This post contains spoilers for the Riverdale season premiere.
Riverdale returned for its second season on Wednesday night, and as promised, the show’s characters are hornier than ever. The season-one finale left Fred Andrews (Luke Perry) bleeding out in a diner, and in the first episode back, we learn that … he’s going to be okay! Permanently traumatized, sure, but well enough that Archie can relax for a second, walk his dog with Veronica, and have some passionate, confusing shower sex. I have a lot of questions about the shower sex. Here are a few of them.
• Why does Archie keep his cast on in the shower? Didn’t a doctor tell him to wrap it in plastic?
• Why does Archie wait until after walking his dog to take a shower and wash off his blood? (Especially since he switches into a new jacket and comes along with Veronica even after she offers to walk the dog herself.)
• Why does Veronica think it’s a good idea to have shower sex with Archie while he is (1) grieving, and (2) washing his father’s blood off of his body?
• Why does Archie just go with it? (I guess the answer is that he likes Veronica, but still, it feels like this is an easy opportunity to say, “My dad almost died, can we just chill and watch American Vandal instead?”)
• If you’ve seen the Community episode “Modern Paintball” where Britta tends to Jeff’s wounds and jokes about how she’s “repaired your overworked torso with my trembling feminine fingers” right before they hookup, isn’t it impossible to think about anything else in moments like these?
• Why does Veronica keep her pearl necklace on?
• Is there a bath mat in this shower, or are these two liable to slip on a tile and crack their heads at any moment?
• Shouldn’t sad showers and sexy showers be separate experiences?
• Why does Veronica keep her pearl bracelet on?
• What does Archie’s dog think about this?
• Did they have sex in the shower or did they eventually take things to the bedroom?
• If they had sex in the shower, did either of them have any protection on hand? (Or, for that matter, lubricant? Water alone is not enough!)
• If they did take things to the bedroom, did they later shower separately to actually clean themselves off, which is, after all, the primary purpose of taking a shower?
• Can we have at least one scene as absurd as this one in every episode?