Why didn’t we get the taglines last episode? Well, it doesn’t matter because we finally get them this week and I’m officially declaring “I may be 50, but these cheekbones are timeless” as the winner and “Call me a bad server because I always spill the tea” as the most baffling. It is truly baffling. What does that even mean, Shereé? Did someone write that for her or did she come up with that on her own? I need some answers.
The other question I’ve got is why haven’t they given Shamea that peach yet? Because she seems to be an integral part of so much drama and there isn’t any NeNe in this episode. What is it going to take for them to just grace Shamea with a peach? I mean this bitch is having elaborate wedding and dowry celebrations and I’m trying to see these amazing bush celebrations. Bravo needs to spill the cash to get everyone to Kenya for Shamea’s wedding. I don’t care what fake justification Porsha would do, I need to see that wedding. If we’re pretending that Porsha has a real podcast, I can pretend she got a Hotwire deal.
First up this week is Cynthia. She has a positively decadent bath while she coats her amazing body in oils and tinctures. Her story line so far is “I’m so fucking fine.” She’s also worried about finding another man. Ma’am, have you looked at yourself? Are you watching the raw footage of your seductive baths, because you’re being backlit while you lower a sheer robe. You’ll be fine. She’s going on a date with a positively adorable 29-year-old who leads her around his warehouse in a blindfold. He takes pictures of her in his studio and makes her dinner in a candlelit, rose-petal-filled room. I’M INTO THIS. Unfortunately, Cynthia is not into the fact that he’s 29. Cynthia, if you’re not looking to get married again, why not have a 29-year-old follow you around with his tongue on the floor? You could do a lot worse. Also, you didn’t have to call the brother “Norbit With Swag.” That’s just rude.
Porsha’s sister and other assorted family members are moving into her mansion. They set some ground rules and most of them are about not walking in on each other while they’re masturbating. Porsha’s family wants to know how her relationship with Kandi is healing. Porsha says that she’s in an okay place with Kandi, but she’s still pissed at NeNe. Porsha is not interested in the pain and in the drama. Let’s take bets on how long that’s gonna last.
Shereé goes to meet with her life coach to talk about Bob’s abuse being made public. She needs a way to talk about it without crying and she didn’t realize she was carrying around so much baggage. This all sounds like a lot for a life coach. I’m sure he’s capable and ready to help Shereé, but WOW this is a lot. Also, Shereé’s goal is to be able to talk about it without crying because she doesn’t want it to affect her. Again, WOW this is a lot. Her life coach wants her to practice talking to her kids about the abuse so she’s prepared and ready to talk about it. He also thinks finally having that conversation with her kids is gonna free her.
Oh, girl. Then there’s Kenya. KENYA. She starts her week by having a picnic with Cynthia in the park. Cynthia was excited to enter her hoe phase with Kenya by her side, but Kenya had to go and have a secret wedding. She hasn’t changed her name yet but is planning on it. Wait, what? Don’t you change your name like right after the wedding? Or even before to get the ball rolling? Kenya tells the story of how they met and Chef Roblé introduced them. I need to get the chef on camera explaining that Baby is real. Kenya is worried that her husband can’t handle all the internet gossip and she has to be his protector. OOOH BOY.
Kandi meets up with non-regular cast member Shamea in an African dress shop to get some items for the various wedding events. If I don’t see some part of this wedding, I’m gonna be furious. Kandi asks Shamea if Porsha is coming to the wedding and Porsha apparently can’t afford the tickets. Yes, there are other excuses we’re going to get later. Meanwhile, Porsha is throwing out all her meat because she’s a vegan now. Her family showed her a documentary about being healthy. She also asks her sister if she should still freeze her eggs and her sister says, “Be vegan for six months and then freeze your eggs. Those are Hennessey eggs.” Forget what I said — give Lauren a peach, too.
Kenya is in her closet showing her wedding dress to her dogs when she calls her friend and complains about all the pressure and attention for her wedding. Her friend tells her to just preserve that feeling of their wedding day. Kenya says people don’t want to see her be happy and she calls over the producer to have a meltdown about all the pressure. She says she doesn’t want to get divorced.
You got married like three days ago! You shouldn’t be this worried about your marriage falling apart after three days. This is … not great.
Later, Kandi opens up her guest house to Shereé and her friends for the activity her life coach told her to practice. Kandi first pretends to be Shereé and Shereé’s friends pretend to be her kids and ask difficult follow-up questions. Okay, this seems a little more like a helpful exercise and Shereé tries her hand at explaining the situation. But she says it’s draining. If it it’s this difficult in front of her friends, she can’t even imagine doing it for real. Oh, Shereé.
Some of the gals head to Shamea’s bridal shower and there are hot shirtless waiters. Yes. YES. It is icy cold between Kandi and Porsha, and then Kandi just decides to get up to leave. After a few really weird and dirty games — like lowering a hot dog on a string into a hole? — Shamea comments that it was a little odd for Porsha to come to her dowry ceremony. Shamea says they haven’t really spent time together as friends, so it is weird that Porsha came to the ceremony. Then Porsha reveals that she’s probably not going to the wedding. This time, she tells Shamea and Shereé that she has a condition where she can’t be sitting with her legs down for too long. Shamea knows that Porsha gave her a booklet about it, but she was mad so she didn’t read it.
Porsha thinks she’s being confronted in front of Kandi and Shereé because she mentioned to Shamea that she might not make it. Everyone decides to leave, but ten minutes later, Shamea and Porsha are sitting in Porsha’s car continuing to snap at each other.
Porsha is pissed because Shamea is making her look like a terrible friend and Shamea basically says, “Well, ever since the fuckery with Phaedra.” We see Shereé in the background look at the pair of them fighting and turn RIGHT back around. They each keep asking each other to understand their position, but Porsha finally says, “I’m not trying to understand it anymore.” Porsha wants all these little things to add up to one great friend, while Shamea just says she’s not gonna be there for the big moment. Shamea also says it’s useless to have a conversation with someone who doesn’t wanna understand you so she’s done. Porsha decides she’s gonna support and love Shamea from afar. Bitch, that sounds like what you’ve already been doing.