What kind of filler episode is this? Did everyone forget they were supposed to be feuding with each other and just scrambled at the last minute to make some plans? Even the little spat Porsha has with her sister feels pretty perfunctory and doesn’t amount to much. What was this episode? Who was in charge of stirring up the drama? How am I gonna drag this recap out to at least 800 words?! Seriously, I feel like I could recount this episode to someone at a party and be done before they started looking for someone else at the party to go talk to instead of me. You know that look? I could be done before that look.
Let’s get to it. Porsha starts off by dragging her mother and her sister to a medical spa for a body wrap. They get wrapped in some sort of dripping gauze and forced to work out while wearing ponchos in front of stone-faced white medical assistants. At some point, some under-ass meat pops out from the gauze. That is the most exciting part.
Meanwhile, Shereé’s story line is all about how she’s planning her mom’s 70th birthday party. But her mom isn’t some crazy demanding mother and she isn’t demanding some unreasonable party in a ridiculous amount of time. It’s just ’70s themed. C’mon, where is the meat? Where is the DER-AAAH-MAH!!!?
Cynthia meets a new beau, a hot vague businessman named Will. They make cutesy eyes at each other and he brings her roses. He’s 41 and a Capricorn. As a fellow Capricorn, I can only support falling in love with a Capricorn. We plan amazing trips and schedule meetings to talk about our feelings. He’s never been married and has a daughter. Cynthia likes him. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Why is this happening so smoothly? I don’t wish dating nightmares on my fellow women, but it would make more entertaining television. No one wants to watch a fun first or second date. It’s just watching people flirt and then you don’t get to make out with anyone at the end.
NeNe is at home with her husband and they putter around, marveling at how big her son has gotten and how he plans to get into the entertainment industry and do comedy. This child has a complete lack of a personality and NeNe just got in trouble for telling one of her audience members to go off and get assaulted, so I really look forward to this. NeNe wants her son to text her when he’s on his way home and manages to say the word “text” no less than 15 times and in every use of the word. It’s a noun, a verb, and by God, it’s an adjective.
Also, Gregg is suffering from chest pains so he drives himself to the hospital and has to undergo a minor surgery. That’s all we know so far.
Kandi sits around with her little Kandi Koated gang to catch up on all the gossip of the first two episodes. I would appreciate some crossover with Xscape to fill out Kandi’s story line if there’s an increasing number of other Housewives she doesn’t want to deal with (ahem, Porsha). Also the hiring and firing in a restaurant isn’t the most thrilling of television. The most shocking thing she reveals is that she’s paid $60,000 in attorney’s fees dealing with the whole Johnny lost wages issue.
Then there’s weird-ass delusional Kenya. What is going on here? Do we have proof that her husband is a real person? Because after several attempts to leave a phone message, I’m not sure that mailbox exists. Her dog pees on her wedding dress and she leaves sad message after sad message on Baby’s voice-mail. She says she never saw this day coming and she still has some lingerie left over after the honeymoon. Left over? What? It just becomes lingerie then. It doesn’t spoil or anything.
Anyway, Porsha attempted to be interesting this episode and kept me from turning to the WWE pay-per-view by meeting with her business consultant. What I wouldn’t give to see any of these women’s business documents. Give me a tax return or something. I gotta know what’s coming in and going out. How much is that poorly produced podcast bringing in? Porsha wants to open a hair salon in the next three months because she’s clearly never done any real business. Her sister flips out that she isn’t being appreciated enough and starts crying in a café. Your first mistake was relying on Porsha’s business acumen to prevent your financial downfall.
The girls all drive over to Shereé’s mother’s party. The party is setting up to be a disaster because the disco ball isn’t set up centered on the dance floor. Oh, the humanity! And every party planner knows not to mess with Shereé! After all, who is gonna check her boo? Cynthia and Kenya talk about if Cynthia is going to be able to date without feelings. Maybe it’s a good idea if she doesn’t ask her suitors literally anything about their lives and doesn’t sleep with them. So, if she just remains acquaintances with them.
It’s an hour and a half before the party and the party planner is still nowhere to be found … and then she quits via text message. It’s pretty hilarious, but Shereé can’t seem to get her on the phone to flip out properly, so all the energy and anger is just spat out on a voice-mail message. Shereé also seems to think the party planner will care that it’s her mother’s birthday. Sure, Shereé. I guess? If someone is willing to quit via text message, I don’t think appealing to her sentimental values is gonna work out.
Nevertheless, the party seems to go off without a hitch and everyone has a great time in their outfits. Shereé’s mother shows up in a full-on silver-glitter jumpsuit with a matching wig. I can’t be mad at that. We get a final shot of NeNe missing her husband’s appointment and then … that’s it?