The Real Housewives of New Jersey
I feel like the overnight retreat organized by Siggy and Vikki with Two Ks has lasted nine days so far, and I’m not even physically there to stock up on “KNOW YOUR WORTH!” T-shirts. Margaret’s impression of Siggy proved to be both extremely savage and extremely accurate, but as the theoretically empowering roleplay exercise continues, Siggy has her chance to impersonate Margaret in turn. Basically, she grabs fistfuls of her own hair to signify pigtails and emotes, “Who has a heart?! Who has a soul?! I don’t get you!”
Vikki with Two Ks: “That was really hard to watch.” Yes. Agreed.
I’m a lot more sympathetic to Sig since she’s explained that “Soggy” Flicker brings her back to childhood bullying over her name, and also because I love the way she yells “stop crying!” at herself à la Chris Traeger. Margaret apologizes yet again for hurting her. Honestly and improbably, these two women finally seem to be feeling okay about each other. I look forward to taking back this assessment any minute now.
Before anyone is permitted to go back to their hotel rooms, Melissa reenacts her public shaming at Siggy’s party (snow angel of rage and all), and Danielle calls upon Teresa to apologize to her daughters for calling her a “prostitution whore.” More on that breaking story as it develops.
That evening, Siggy prompts the women to tell the rest of the group something about themselves they don’t know. Margaret tearfully describes how two of her stepkids from her first marriage haven’t spoken to her for six years, since she left their father for Joe. Teresa talks about the difficulties of Joe drinking too much, and how he’s never apologized for, you know, all the crime. At Siggy’s house, she reveals she hasn’t seen Joe in three months, even before her mother got sick. Sig encourages her to feel and accept all her feelings, including the ugly ones, and embrace her inner “Soggy Teresa.” (I’d have gone for Teresa Boohoo-dice myself, but then again, I don’t know Joan Rivers.) Teresa nods and her eyelashes hover suspended in space. Also, post-hormone-pellet Siggy would like you to know that she is super-horny. Congrats!
Meanwhile, Dolores is helping out at a dog-adoption fair, a cause she got involved in after the death of her beloved pup Boo. Her husband, Joe Omega, is allergic to dogs and Teresa is afraid of dogs, yet they’re both there. Hashtag loyalty. Danielle, pushing her dogs Paradise and Fendi in a stroller, casts aspersions on Siggy and Margaret’s mended fences, accusing Siggy of faking a makeup so she’d appear to be a more authoritative relationship expert. I do not buy this! I dare say that Siggy would act a lot differently if she were crafting an image of herself as a wise, level-headed master of human social dynamics. I think Danielle is just compulsively sowing discord, as she should, for that is the gift that God gave her.
But as baffled as Siggy and Dolores are that the others would welcome known nutbag Danielle back into the fold, the BFFs are willingly fraternizing with known nutbag Kim D. They plan on attending this year’s Posche fashion show, if only because it’s a charity to benefit the two friends of Kim’s son who were found dead under mysterious circumstances in her burned-out car. (Yeah, it’s a grim story.) Nevertheless, Teresa is horrified that anyone would go, even the clothes. Shame on you, clothes.
Melissa visits Margaret’s showroom for mentorship or, as she puts it, to “milk her brain.” Envy will need to find a way to differentiate its offerings from every other boutique in New Jersey. Margaret’s advice: Look to Europe. And did she mention she has to go to Milan for her own shoe line? Funny how that works out!
Speaking of every other boutique in New Jersey, Siggy and Dolores stop by Posche to pay tribute to the Lizard Queen. Guess what? They’re not just attending Kim D.’s fashion show — they’re walking in it, and they’re here to try on their outfits. Dolores demands to walk first, because she doesn’t want to have to follow anyone. Exhibit 3,405 of why I love Dolores. Kim D., who has apparently not seen a single one of her personal appearances on this television program, seems a little surprised that Teresa, Melissa, et al. won’t be in attendance. “Teresa’s not coming, and Melissa’s not coming, obviously. Because they don’t like you,” explains Siggy, who is really on fire this episode. Kim D. defends like, 4 percent of her bad behavior on the grounds that everybody was talking about Joe’s infidelity. “Unless you have a picture of the weewee entering the cookie, who gives a shit?” Siggy says. Again, really, A-plus work, Sig.
But Kim D. has more shit to stir, suggesting that temporarily husbandless Teresa has been “rekindling old flames.” Siggy can shout “I don’t want to hear this!” as loud as she wants, but Kim D. isn’t backing down. In fact, Her Royal Slitheriness says Joe treated Teresa so horribly, she’d bet Posche that T actually cheated. That’s a cash value of, like, $37!
At a restaurant for dinner, Melissa invites all the ladies on her trip to Italy with Margaret. But the mood sours considerably when Siggy admits to the group that she and Dolores are officially walking in the Posche fashion show. A full-on screaming match ensues, including an inadvisable Hitler–Kim D. comparison on Margaret’s part. Teresa is “fucking fuming” at the suggestion that she cheated on Joe, smashing a glass and yelling at Dolores for failing to stand up for her, despite the fact that she and Siggy did in fact stand up for Teresa. Dolores nearly lunges across the table in anger. Suddenly, everyone is on their feet pointing and shouting, which I’m sure only enhanced the dining experience of the lucky strangers sitting four feet away from them. Dolores slams their chairs under the table as she and Siggy leave, which, while definitely a dramatic gesture, is also kind of a nice one? It’s like aggressively setting a table.
Teresa, of course, decides she’s going to go confront Kim D. at the fashion show, and guilts Melissa into joining. Because this is an obviously insane idea, Danielle needs no convincing. To be continued!