Everything Leaving Netflix in January 2018, by Keaton Patti

Fight Club (1999)

Wings (Seasons 1-3)

Deborah Sanchez (Got a way better job at Hulu)

Matchstick Men (2003)

Sam Patterson (Refuses to work for a streaming service that doesn’t have Fight Club)

All Civil War Documentaries (Don’t want to give Americans any ideas)

The Ability To Share Passwords (You’ve moved on from your ex, now move on from their account)

Death to Smoochy (2002)

Linda Carlton (Sick of men texting her, “Your place of work and chill?”)

$20 Billion (debt)

Erin Brockovich (2000)

Erin Brockovich (Leaving to once again focus on law work)

Goodfellas (1990)

Bernie Grant (Fired for going against the company by watching a show on conventional television)

All World War Documentaries (Don’t want to give North Koreans any ideas)

The Employee Health Plan (To be replaced with extra streaming seasons of House, M.D.)

Tron (1984)

Complimentary LaCroix in the Company Break Room (Responsible for a large chunk of the $20 billion debt)

500 Shareholders (Just not digging the way Narcos is heading)

Netflix’s Mascot, Flixxy, the Fox That Loves Netflix (Terminated after several studies proved all foxes, in fact, hate Netflix)

The Entire Marketing Department (For coming up with Flixxy)

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

Mary the Intern (Mary knows what she did)

Keaton Patti is a writer and comedian living in New York City. He’s written for The New Yorker, Comedy Central, The Onion, and other things that people can write for. You may remember him from the previous sentences.

Everything Leaving Netflix in January 2018, by Keaton […]