KRAMER (on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly Situated) vs. KRINGLE, by Lauren Krueger & Matthew David Brozik

’Tis the last day of trial, and to all in the court,

I now offer this argument sounding in tort:

My client, Miss Kramer, and others aggrieved

Have sued to recover for gifts unreceived

From defendant Kris Kringle—a/k/a “Claus,”

Whose actions should give you, the jury, some pause.

But before we indict him for being quite mean,

Let’s recall what we heard from the plaintiff, who’s keen

To shed light on injustice, to benefit others,

To level the field for her sisters and brothers.

And lest you think greed is this sweet cherub’s spur,

Know that personal gains aren’t a motive for her.

She’s a fortunate soul, getting toys in a drove,

(Tho’ not one is delivered by chimney or stove.)

As a matter of course, Mr. Kringle neglects

To visit some children, the record reflects.

Come winter each year every child who’s been good,

Behaved with decorum, just as they should,

Gets presents from that man—the pale man so jolly,

But only those children named Malcolm or Molly.

Or John-John, or Jasper, or Walter, or Thurston,

Or Gwyneth, or Chlöe, or Parker, or Gretchen!

The obvious pattern, which can’t be disguised,

Results in so many kids marginalized.

Like Ronen, and Ahmed, and Vijay, and Moishe,

And Malak, and Fatma, and Huifang, and Hannah.

And while systems that bias by some category

In fact aren’t always discriminatory,

A scheme that distinguishes based upon creed

We can’t let continue; it must not succeed.

But when He-Known-as-Santa was called to the stand,

Did you hear his rehearsed testimony firsthand?

His justification defies common sense:

“I have never been real” is the whole elf’s defense!

And yet all of the evidence shows that he is,

Are the reindeer hitched outside the building not his?

And the bright rosy cheeks and the red cherry nose—

Can it be that we’re all just imagining those?

And the milk and the cookies—who eats them? Not him?

(It’s unlikely the Tooth Fairy; she’s much too slim!)

So just like Virginia, now you can be told:

Ipso facto, he’s real, and his case is ice cold.

For the evil unseen is the evil endemic;

And here we have proof that the evil’s systemic;

See now, favoritism, for some, is a goal,

And maybe it’s like that up at the North Pole,

But down here in America, laws guarantee,

That equality isn’t just under a tree;

So whether the tortfeasor beggars belief,

Still his actions are basis for legal relief.

Therefore now I implore you, on this Christmastide:

Do return with a verdict for kids nationwide,

But give also a judgment for sackfuls of money—

As a punishment Nick’las won’t find very funny;

(And if Kringle’s insolvent, unable to pay…

Why, we’ll slap a fat creditor’s lien on his sleigh!)

Finally, please heed these words of preëmption:

Your “saint” does not merit religious exemption;

And remember while judging this man from the mall—

May the eve before Christmas be a good night for all!

Matthew David Brozik is a lawyer-turned-copywriter. Lauren Krueger is a video editor and writer. Together they have collaborated on a humorous cookbook, two children, one business, and this piece.

KRAMER (on Behalf of Herself and All Others Similarly […]