The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Just last week, I went on and on about Bravo giving Kim her peach back and now I have an even more pressing question: Where is Marlo’s peach? What’s holding this show back from giving that ridiculous woman her peach? Because if there is a moment of television this year that rivals Marlo silently and thanklessly fixing NeNe’s bun during an argument, I’d like to see it. That was a Renaissance painting. I know that meme is overused, but that was a damn Renaissance painting. But we can’t get to that brilliant moment of television without slogging through some other nonsense.
Because time is irrelevant, we’re still at NeNe’s White Seafood Gays & Never Forget Soiree and we’re still in the middle of Kenya and Kim’s fight. Kim decides that her daughter is the line that Kenya shouldn’t cross after Kenya mentions that Kim offered to turn her daughter out for some John Legend tickets. In Kim’s defense, she didn’t offer her daughter to John Legend, but just to anyone who could get her tickets. I’m not sure if it helps her case, but it’s definitely a piece of information I want us to get correct.
Kim storms Kenya and somehow knocks over every drink and possibly cracks the coffee table itself. Something about the editing during this fight had me missing pieces. I need a few more over-the-shoulder angles. Maybe everyone should give in and have camera tracks installed in their homes. Shereé and Kroy shuffle Kim out and Kenya is left talking about how crazy Kim is with Cynthia and NeNe. The emerging story line is that Cynthia always has Kenya’s back. Let Cynthia have Kenya’s back. Who cares? Shereé and Kim head over to Porsha’s house to maximize screen time. Porsha has her assistant pour her an Olivia Pope–sized wine glass of Hennessy. Then everyone starts making fun of Cynthia. Why? I like Cynthia!
Up next is Kandi, she visits the studio with Ace and talks about how hard it is to be away from him, then immediately accepts an invitation from Shereé to go on a trip to San Francisco. Kandi, you are certainly allowed to do what you want, but complaining about something and then doing it again is a bad look. Shereé stops by to fill her in on the guest list. She’s inviting Kenya and Kim because everything is meaningless and chaos rules us all.
Cynthia goes with her daughter to a cupcake-making … event? Someone on the production crew had a Groupon and it was about to expire. Noelle was planning to move to Charlotte to be with some punk-ass boyfriend, but she’s deciding to take some time for herself. Of all the Atlanta children, I think Noelle is my favorite. Cynthia tells her about Will and seems pretty excited about him. Cynthia’s in that “three great dates” glow. I hope dating is different in your 50, but I definitely know that it could fall apart at any moment. Will, at least, wants another date and offers to take her on a sizable boat. All I’ve ever wanted is to go on a date on a boat. Cynthia is living the life.
NeNe is at home with Gregg and she pulls a Kandi. She explains how worried she is about him and how she can’t tear herself away and then tells him she’s going on a trip. Gregg is able to give NeNe permission. Meanwhile, Kenya is dealing with the death of her grandmother, the woman who raised her. I sympathize with Kenya, but sitting on her bed staring at photographs while she gazes wistfully in the distance seems … strange to me. Cynthia comes over and brings her flowers. Kenya needs an ally for sure. Kenya’s husband is also in New York and from what Kenya says, it doesn’t sound like he wants to go to the funeral? Or doesn’t want Kenya to go? There are a lot of bombshells dropped and just walked away from.
Best part of the “packing for San Francisco trip” montage? Porsha going to a health food store and saying she doesn’t eat “ugly food.” What food was she referring to? Beets.
Marlo goes over to NeNe’s house while NeNe is packing. NeNe has a walk-in closet and that whole thing is a California Closet. I have one in my house and I recognized those rhinestone handles from the showroom. NeNe and Marlo come up with a plan to get Marlo onto the trip. Marlo has to go to California to buy a car? Who does this? Is there some California car tax break? What does Marlo do for a living? I need answers.
Everyone is late to the airport and when they do show up, they bring 400 suitcases. Porsha says the truest thing she’s ever said on this show: “When you go on a trip with a bunch of bitches who don’t like you, you better slay every occasion.” That is a life philosophy I can get behind. Kim ends up not coming and everyone is weird around Cynthia. Once they get to San Francisco, everyone complains about how cold it is. Oh, those delicate little Southerners.
During the bus ride to the airport, everyone reveals how long it’s been since they’ve had sex and Shereé reveals she’s reconnected with Tyrone, that she’s in love, and he’s in jail. That is a list that takes you on a wild ride with each new bit of information. Everyone takes a disco nap and shows up to the rooftop dinner that Shereé set up. She’s hoping everyone can put their differences aside and have a fun time. Oh, Shereé.
Marlo is wearing a nightie with a push-up bra and one of those lacy bunny-ear headbands. Shereé is wearing the same sweatsuit she flew in. It takes approximately 15 seconds until NeNe and Porsha are in a screaming fight.
I can hardly track every piece of information in this fight because both of them are talking at the same time. But my favorite moment is when they both scream, “YOU TALK ABOUT ME” in unison. NeNe is angry at Porsha because she was the only one who had Porsha’s back when she first came on the show and Porsha is just … upset? The fight ends with them just shouting, “Fuck you!” over and over to each other.
To be continued …