Did anyone else think this would end with the Housewives getting kicked off that train to Napa? That it would be a repeat of what Very Smart Brothas called “the Blackest thing to ever happen this week”? If the Housewives got kicked off the wine train for being too rowdy, it would be proof of intelligent design; that our universe is being guided by a hand and that hand is well-manicured and lives for drama. Unfortunately, the train ride to Napa is uneventful but this episode is still full of fun.
The episode kicks off with the finale of the NeNe-Porsha-Bun fight. NeNe is pulled away by the rest of the gals and Porsha is left with Shereé. NeNe says that she started this shit (read: The Real Housewives of Atlanta) and Porsha wouldn’t be there if it weren’t for NeNe. This is a very generous reading of the history of the Real Housewives. NeNe is repeating, “The door is CAH-LOWSED” as the elevator door closes and Shereé is holding Porsha as she weeps. Shereé can feel the fun of the trip slipping away and Kandi is mostly concerned that they had to leave the table even before the food arrived. Marlo suggests getting a pizza.
We keep cutting back and forth between NeNe and the rest of the gang in NeNe’s hotel room and Porsha and Shereé sitting at the table. Porsha wants NeNe to own up to everything she’s done and is furious that she has to atone for SPREADING A LIE THAT KANDI TRIED TO DRUG AND RAPE HER. How unreasonable that everyone is still weirded out by that. NeNe says that Porsha is just acting like a victim. This is one of those situations where everyone is wrong and everyone just needs to lie down and take a nap. Instead of a trip, everyone should have gone into sensory-deprivation tanks for a couple hours to think about what they’ve done.
The next morning, Cynthia goes to pick up Marlo and Shereé. Marlo has laid out all of her accessories and jewelry in the hotel room. Can you imagine that nightmare for the staff? Trying to clean around a department-store display of Louis Vuitton bags? Porsha takes a call from her mom and says she’s just going to soak up all the “cool California vibes.” Yeah, Porsha. You do that. They’re all piling into a trolley to zip around the city and they’ve decided to split up to avoid fights. Half of the gang will be heading to Fisherman’s Wharf and the other half will go to Chinatown.
But Kenya has to leave the trip a day early because she’s going to her grandmother’s funeral. I don’t know how to say this without sounding really insensitive. Because Kenya has … faked emotion so many times … it’s hard to take … genuine emotion … seriously. Does that make sense? She’s the woman who cried wolf. Especially when it’s possibly she’s faking an entire marriage. It’s just a lot to try to reconcile.
While Shereé, Porsha, and Marlo are in Chinatown (or as Porsha says, “Just like Tokyo”), they decide to throw Kenya a fake wedding ceremony. They weren’t invited to the real one, so they’re going to have one in a hotel conference room. They buy a bunch of $3 junk and have a store make a banner that says “Congratulations Kenya!” Meanwhile, the rest of the gang is posing in front of Alcatraz and NeNe just happens to bring up that Shereé’s new boyfriend stole over four million dollars from his company. Y’know, just brings it up in a suuuuper casual way.
When they all get back to the hotel, they have purchased a cardboard cutout of a man to stand in for the wedding. Then they bring in a few guests. It’s just a series of men in crop tops who I’m sure are vibrating with excitement to witness Kenya marrying a cardboard cutout. Say what you will about these Housewives, but they are more than willing to put on some kind of skit or prank or elaborate theme party. It keeps it interesting.
Kenya is a good sport about the whole thing. Cynthia, who has appointed herself Chief Kenya Officer, has a good laugh about it too. NeNe officiates the wedding and Kandi sings “Here Comes the Bride.” The whole thing is a delight until Porsha takes Kandi aside and apologizes for “the role she played” in the whole Phaedra situation. I hate when people apologize for the “role they played.” It wasn’t a play. You weren’t in Rent, Porsha. Phaedra didn’t have you prepare two contrasting monologues. Is it so hard to say, “I screwed up and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done it.”
They all set off to Napa Valley. After a bus ride, it’s time to get on the wine train! Don’t worry, they brought Flat Marc along. Porsha spends the entire time describing exactly how her husband likes her body. It’s creepy and I’m not a fan.
They go to a vineyard and have a weird flirtation with the vineyard owner. By the end of the evening, Kenya heads off to catch her flight and the gals sit down for a nice fancy dinner — that Marlo immediately ruins by asking if Kenya’s marriage is real. Cynthia walks out because she doesn’t want to hear anyone bad-mouth Kenya. This is the wrong group for that.
Cynthia gets coaxed back to the table and confesses that she’s mostly just upset that Kenya didn’t invite her to her wedding and hasn’t introduced her to real, non-flat Marc.
I mean … if he is real, which we have no evidence of.
