Riverdale, with its high-school-meets-noir plotting and retro-plus-iPhones setting, seems to exist within a blip in space and time. The characters use slant rhyme versions of brand names — “American Excess” and “Vanity Flair” — name-check both Truman Capote and Mad Men with ease, and seem to occupy a universe where they are always in school and yet never do their homework or move closer to graduating. In short, Riverdale takes place in the eternal now. Things are always happening, but never progressing.
As a consequence, it’s pretty much impossible to tell what temperature it is in Riverdale. The characters dress for spring, summer, fall, and winter all within the space of a single episode, sometimes during the exact same scene. Like many CW shows, the series shoots in Vancouver, so the obvious answer is that the British Columbia weather is just totally inconsistent. But since we are intrepid Riverdale viewers, we’re going to thoroughly investigate the question using this week’s episode, “House of the Devil,” as an example. Oh, and if this all doesn’t break your mind, please remember that it’ll suddenly be December in next week’s Christmas episode.
It is warm enough to play a guitar shirtless in a garage. (At least 80 degrees Fahrenheit.)
And warm enough to wear miniskirts inside. (At least 70 degrees. Ignore Veronica and Archie making out in the foreground.)
Next to the fireplace at the Pembroke, it’s warm enough for sex on a bearskin rug. (At least 75 degrees.)
Inside Pop’s diner, it is cold enough to wear a beanie and a jacket … (At most 60 degrees.)
… and yet warm enough that a light sweater will also suffice. (At least 70 degrees.)
It is warm enough for Hermione Lodge to go sleeveless, but cold enough that Hiram Lodge has opted for long sleeves. (70 degrees? Maybe?)
It is warm enough inside Archie’s bathroom for him to walk around shirtless. (At least 80 degrees? Though mysteriously not warm enough that the mirror steams up?)
It is warm enough at breakfast for Veronica to go sleeveless, like her mother. (At least 70 degrees.)
It is cold enough for F.P. Jones to wear flannel on top of a henley while getting out of jail. (At most 60 degrees.)
And cold enough for Jughead and Betty to bundle up. (At most 55 degrees.)
And so cold that Alice Cooper put on a fuzzy pantsuit top while picking F.P. up. (Let’s bring it down to 50 degrees.)
And cold enough for Betty to keep her jacket on at Pop’s. (65 degrees? But warm enough to Alice to take hers off! Somehow more than 70 degrees?)
It’s also warm enough inside Pop’s that F.P. can walk around in short sleeves. (Yeah, 70 degrees.)
So warm, in fact, that Cheryl Blossom doesn’t mind wearing a shoulderless dress. (More than 70 degrees?)
But it’s also cold! Josie is wearing a big coat. (Less than 60 degrees?)
Back outside, it’s cold enough for Jughead to zip up his leather jacket during his motorcycle ride. (Let’s say a brisk 50 degrees.)
At school, it’s cold enough that both Veronica and Archie have made the rare decision to hide their arms with sleeves. (60 degrees sounds about right.)
But inside Betty’s house, it’s warm enough that she considers wearing this sleeveless top. (Betty’s house is probably well-heated. 75 degrees.)
And inside the Pembroke, it’s cold enough for sleeves, but warm enough for a pencil skirt. (65 degrees?)
At the Whyte Wyrm bar, it’s warm enough for Betty to commit to sleeveless denim. But cold enough for Alice to insist on keeping her coat on? (Breaking laws of physics, both 60 degrees and 75 degrees at once.)
Over at the bar, it’s warm enough for Toni Topaz to wear a tank top. (Another point for team 75 degrees.)
Onstage, it’s warm enough for Veronica’s plunging neckline, but cold enough that Archie isn’t sweating in his long sleeves. (Both 55 degrees and 75 degrees at once.)
Onstage, it’s also warm enough for Betty to do this. (Whatever temperature it is in the heat of passion.)
While outside, it’s warm enough for her to wear her denim outfit again. (She does look a little cold, so 55 degrees.)
Back home, it’s warm enough for Betty to switch to a tank top. (Back up to at least 65 degrees.)
While over at Archie’s, it’s warm enough to stare through the window shirtless! Without looking cold! And there’s no condensation on the window! (I give up.)
