Beware of very sexy spoilers below.
There are nine Star Wars films, but not many of them fuck. Outside of a few scattered moments here and there in the original trilogy, there hasn’t been much sexual heat in outer space, and when George Lucas tried to tackle straight-up romance in Attack of the Clones, it came off like Steve Carell describing breasts in The 40-Year-Old Virgin. It’s said that the Jedi are supposed to remain chaste, and frequently, their movies follow suit.
But not the new one. Not Star Wars: The Last Jedi. This is, by far, the year’s horniest space opera.
Star Wars: The Last Jedi definitely fucks.
Search your heart, you know it to be true! Somehow, this PG-13 movie with only one kiss is still a kinky thrill ride that implies all sorts of sex stuff is going on in between the space battles. Here are ten of the lustiest moments.
1. Kylo Ren takes his shirt off
Like I wasn’t going to start with this? Adam Driver as Kylo Ren gamely serves up the most Star Wars beefcake since Luke went sleeveless on Dagobah, and even Rey is rattled. She forgot to force-knock before barging in on the dude, and here’s Kylo Ren alone in his room, stripped to the waist, boasting sweaty pecs that look like he sliced Alderaan in half and glued the remainders to his chest. It’s a lot! Finally, even people who don’t subscribe to HBO can wonder, “Shit, am I attracted to Adam Driver?”
2. Kylo and Rey’s whole thing
Many weirdos shipped these two characters after The Force Awakens, and now I kinda get it. Kylo and Rey never make out, but they still share The Last Jedi’s sexiest scenes as well as a telepathic connection fostered by sinister voyeur Snoke, the galaxy’s mightiest cuck. And how about that moment where Kylo kills his mentor — it’s always hot when a space goth murders a lazy magician — and then flips sides with Rey to kill off a straggling crew of ruby-red stormtroopers? If watching seven seasons of Buffy has taught me anything, it’s that there is no sex sign more unequivocal than teaming up with your sworn enemy to throw stage punches.
3. All the sexual height differences
We all know that flirting in the workplace is a fraught endeavor, so I respect Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron and Laura Dern’s Admiral Holdo for keeping it classy. However, their height difference, where Holdo towers over Poe while belittling him as a “trigger-happy flyboy,” is among the most sexually charged things in this movie. Come to think of it, there are several of these sexual height differences in The Last Jedi, including the Finn-Phasma face-off where, like Poe with Holdo, the shorter male protagonist tries just about everything to get the advantage over his morally questionable, much taller female superior. I’m not sure what the space version of a Freudian would be — maybe a Droidian? — but there sure seems to be a lot to unpack there.
4. When Rose kisses Finn
Get it, girl! Who among us has not dreamt of space-ramming our space-sidepiece in an attempt to keep him from space-suiciding, then going in for the smooch just before a dramatic collapse? I am signing up for Rose Tico’s Master Class videos as soon as those things go online, because I am ready to be taught.
5. Maz Kanata fucks?
Lupita Nyong’o’s CGI character, a frog version of Edna Mode, appears in The Last Jedi just long enough to make sure they all learn she fucks. Yes, taking the time to relay this information may get her killed during a dramatic space battle, but Maz banged a hot human hacker and she is not going to go to her grave without making you wonder how that’s anatomically possible. When the goggles are on the door, you don’t want to know more!
5. Kylo Ren convincing Rey to jump into an evil water vagina on Ach-To
This was a really nasty metaphor that truly could have used Tiffany Haddish’s sideline commentary.
6. Kylo Ren’s daddy issues
This emo goof has only been in two Star Wars movies, yet improbably, he has already found the time to get mad at three separate space daddies. Han, Luke, Snoke … the boy is greedy and not at all good at breakups.
7. “Finn, naked, leaking?”
If you ship Poe and Finn, director Rian Johnson sees you. He’s not giving you much, but what you get is worth parsing: Poe running to Finn’s aid when BB-8 tells him his buddy is naked and leaking (!), and Poe running to Finn’s aid after an explosion, which necessitates Oscar Isaac placing one hand on John Boyega’s stomach to, uh, comfort him. This is Poe’s signature move, as we’ll see in our next bit of business …
8. Poe rubbing BB-8’s “tummy”
I’m not sure where BB-8’s stomach would be, technically, but I’m sure that if the little droid has his way, he would let it be wherever Oscar Isaac decides to scratch. When the two are reunite after BB-8’s sojourn with Dark Oscar Isaac (played by Benicio del Toro), our favorite flyboy can hardly contain himself, rushing through the crowd to caress BB-8 on the big ball and coo, “Buddy, I’m so glad to see you.” Did the person sitting next to you reply, “I’m glad to see you, too?” I’m sorry for doing that, I never talk during movies.
9. Poe and Leia
Truly, this entire list could be comprised of things Oscar Isaac has chemistry with, because he’s got some sort of vibe happening with just about every costar in The Last Jedi. (It’s better off for both him and the Porgs that they are kept separate.) When Leia demotes Poe and tells him to “get your head out of your cockpit,” it’s wonderful because that sounds like a line Carrie Fisher would have improvised and also sad because I really, really want to read the book she would have written about Oscar Isaac.
10. Poe and Rey
The biggest “hold up” moment in The Last Jedi comes near the end, when Rey returns to the resistance and Poe … introduces himself to her? That’s right: Somehow, two of our main three good guys had not even met each other until this trilogy was already two-thirds of the way through. Now that they’ve made each other’s acquaintance, though, Poe will finally have another character to aim his chemistry beams at, since both he and Rey have spent most of their Star Wars time alongside people who are now either deceased or otherwise occupied. Hey, girl. Got any plans for Episode IX?