Ever since Luke Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi walked into the Mos Eisley Cantina to the dulcet tones of Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes back in A New Hope, the Star Wars franchise has prided itself on the variety of its non-human species. As part of that commitment to diversity, the creatures have ranged from the saccharine-sweet Ewoks to the Lovecraftian Sarlacc. An array of new aliens (but in Star Wars, aren’t humans the real aliens, maaaaan?) pop up in the latest installment, The Last Jedi, and the film’s shepherds would love for you to fall in love with all of them. But our species only has so much capacity for such love, so Vulture has gone down the list of these new races (some of which are barely seen in the actual movie) in ascending order of cuteness. We stuck to the ones that were listed in Wookieepedia, the Star Wars wiki database, and have publicly available still images to review. Prepare yourself, because things start out in seriously gross territory.
What they are: Biped sentients we apparently meet, like many others on this list, in the casino city of Canto Bight. That said, I didn’t catch them in either of my viewings.
How they’re lookin’: Like a nightmare. These fellas have a giant Cyclopean eye surrounded by old-man wrinkles atop their foreheads; dimpled, inwardly turned nostrils with weird dimples on each side; mouth-holes stuck wide open; oversize feet and three-fingered hands; and pink, clothesless, thumb-shaped bodies.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: Unspeakable horror, for sure. Luckily, they’re extremely easy to miss, if they’re there at all.
What they are: Biped sentients, one of whom tends to the horselike Fathiers (more on them later) on Canto Bight. That guy is super abusive of the creatures and the children who watch the stables.
How they’re lookin’: Disgusting. Our Fathier-whipping Cloddogran has matted fur and misshapen little ears and beady, cruel eyes. But the main distinguishing mark is the huge cluster of what look like sores where his nose should be. Not a looker, this one.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: This one’s tricky, because who knows if the one mean Cloddogran we encounter is representative of the whole species? Maybe the cluster on his face is just a disease this one particular individual has. Maybe the rest of them tend to their fur with volumizing conditioner. Most important, maybe they’re all much less inclined to beating the crap out of simple horse folk. I wouldn’t want to be friends with that one guy, but I don’t want to write the whole race off.
What they are: Another sentient humanoid species we encounter on Canto Bight, this one in the actual casino.
How they’re lookin’: Eerily like Crispin Glover. The one we see has jet-black hair in a middle part and eyes that are both friendly and slightly devious. Below the neck, they’re just human-y, but their heads have some odd skin folds in place of a traditional nose, as well as floppy ears and translucent skin.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: I’d say friend. I could see myself chatting with a Heptooinian about all the high-class mischief they get into on the reg.
What they are: Massive, walrus-esque creatures who hang out on the shoals of Ahch-To and produce the green milk that Luke Skywalker has come to enjoy.
How they’re lookin’: Weirdly kind of adorable, in their way? They have heads that look a little too phallic, but other than that, they’re shaped and postured like adorable forest bears after a particularly yummy meal (except for the leathery skin and flippers).
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: Definitely friend. I’d love to cuddle up to one of these suckers and take a little waterside nap on its big belly.
What they are: Another Canto Bight sentient species. The one we see is, apparently, a masseuse with the incredible name of Lexo Sooger.
How they’re lookin’: Noble and majestic. They’re sort of like bipedal camels with the skin of rhinos and the faces of whales. They’re huge. Lexo has killer taste in statement jewelry, but I’m not sure if that’s common throughout the Dor Namethian populace.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: Friend. It seems like the Dor Namethians are super chill and take their time with all things. I feel like I could have a deep conversation with Lexo while he does some serious space-shiatsu on my mid-back knot.
What they are: Abused beasts of burden who are used for racing-based gambling on Canto Bight.
How they’re lookin’: Gorgeous. I’m totally with Rose on the magic of the Fathiers. They’re horse-sized, possessing sleek fur, massive ears, and facial expressions of constant concern at a world gone wrong.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: Pet to the max. When I rack up enough credits from my many games of sabacc, I’m gonna buy all the Fathiers on Canto Bight and let them roam free. I’ll sit on my porch and look at them and think about how the Galaxy ain’t all bad.
What they are: A short-statured race of amphibious folks native to Ahch-To. We see a subset of them known as the Caretakers, who see to the upkeep of the Jedi temple.
How they’re lookin’: Adorable and respectable. As my colleague Jackson McHenry pointed out, they’re easily the best creatures we get to meet in the film, even if they’re not necessarily the cutest. They have faces like turtles, but there’s something about the kindness of their eyes and the stubbiness of their proportions that just makes me wanna give them a big hug and thank them for their service.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: Friend, though I would always make sure to keep my distance when they’re at work, because they take that shit seriously.
What they are: Reptilian biped sentients we meet in Canto Bight.
How they’re lookin’: Freaking joyous. They seem to have their faces locked in perpetual grins with sweet, heavy-lidded eyes. They’re short and ever-so-slightly out of proportion in terms of the largeness of their arms. They just seem like they’re having a good time all the time.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: Friend. Definitely friend. Like, why am I not friends with a Suerton right now? I wanna be drunk with three of them at once, betting everything on red and living life to the fullest while they cheer me on.
What they are: I mean, they’re Porgs. If you care enough about Star Wars to be reading this list, you’re already aware of what Porgs are. Okay, fine: They’re puffinlike creatures that live on the planet Ahch-To.
How they’re lookin’: Sigh, okay, I’ll grudgingly admit that they’re lookin’ really cute. But the key here isn’t so much how they look as how they act. The pure image of a Porg can be off-putting for a bitter cynic like myself, what with the focus-group-ready combination of big eyes, stout bodies, and stubby little wings. But once you see them in action, crowing and mugging for the camera, it’s nigh-impossible not to fall in love.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: Pet. Unless they’re high-maintenance. I’m just looking for a reason to hate these adorable things, so I have a low tolerance for their shit, literal or figurative.
What they are: Also known as crystal foxes, they’re slim, elegant quadrupeds that reside on the mineral-rich planet of Crait. They look like Earth foxes, except their fur is made of lightweight crystals.
How they’re lookin’: Like the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. While the Porgs are more conventionally cute, they lack the dreamlike majesty of the Vulptices. These foxy foxes have cute aspects to spare — little button noses, feline-esque faux-frowns, big old ears, waggy tails, and occasional little whines — but have a leg up on the Porgs by also being goddamn gorgeous. They are perfect and deserve more attention than they’re getting.
Pet, friend, or unspeakable horror?: I should’ve included a category for “spirit familiar,” because I need a Vulptex to guide me on a journey to a better life.