UNZIPits: The Pants That Were Designed to Be Left Unzipped, by Sarah Hutto

UNZIPits were born out of the all-too-common struggle to capture the effortless charm of the unzipped pant while avoiding having the cops called on you for indecent exposure.

We’ve all been there: you’re in a casual business meeting at a coffee shop, pants unzipped like every other coffee shop patron, and when you return to the office, Brenda in sales gets all weird about your junk being visible in the office and reports you to HR. Now, with UNZIPits, you can bring that disheveled charm to the office, without having to tell Brenda to take a pill and HR to suck it.

UNZIPits allow you the freedom to combine boardroom confidence and bedroom swagger, all in one two-legged package. That’s because our patented design lets you leave your fly open without compromising your reputation of not sexually offending entire roomfuls of people at a time. When you are wearing UNZIPits, air is able to flow freely around your reproductive organs without getting you put on one of those lists you have to warn your neighbors about. Everybody wins!

More and more, people are getting tired of trying to maintain productivity while their family jewels are squashed behind an oppressive zipper. A recent medical study has shown that it is actually detrimental to your health not to allow your privates to breathe out in the open all day, every day. In fact, 4 out of 5 privates specialists now agree that for the human race to continue to thrive, the abandonment of zipped flies is a must.

That’s where UNZIPits come in.

We did years of research to make the perfect unzipped pant to fit you and your active, professional lifestyle. During this research period, we had a few crucial questions to answer. Should the pants be all the way unzipped? How were we going to cover the junk hole in a way that was both classy and comfortable? Should we install a battery-powered crotch fan to increase air flow? Our research led us to the perfect formula for a pant that is easy, attractive, and that can be worn completely unzipped all day long, from the office to the club to that video store with the black windows.

So go ahead, release yourself from the oppressive constraint of a zipper without breaking social convention. You can’t do that with regular pants. We should know — we’ve tried and it did not turn out well.

Sarah Hutto is a writer whose work is in The New Yorker, The New York Times, and McSweeney’s. Follow her on Twitter: @huttopian.

UNZIPits: The Pants That Were Designed to Be Left […]