Inky’s Letter, by Barbara Holm

My Dearest Clyde,

I lay pen to pixelated paper on day 487,000 of this desolate bloodshed. Every treacherous battle is the same. My brethren and I continue to tirelessly struggle to avoid Him. He sprints through the maze so fast, it’s almost as if He has someone guiding him with a bird’s eye view of the mystifying labyrinth. Our men, however, bump into walls over again as we encounter identical twists and turns.

Despite His aptitude with tactical maneuvers in this winding network, the monster appears to have no eyes, which only makes Him all the more terrifying. His mouth remains constantly agape so that He may gobble the pills as quickly as possible. His jaundiced face haunts our nightmares. We’re certain He is addicted to painkillers.

We mostly wander, aimlessly fleeing, however once Blinky followed Him, compassionately reaching out in an attempt to rehabilitate the monster’s manic pill consuming ways. Upon his approach, the monster turned and viciously devoured sweet Blinky.

Sometimes the monster will eat a piece of fruit, and then the entire fabric of space and time will mystically alter drastically. It’s quite jarring. What kind of twisted alternate dimension are we trapped in? Everything we know about our very existence is constantly thrown into turmoil. We all just want to go home. Pinky has a wife and kids.

Occasionally we will gather strength when He is at his height of mania, and we will chase Him down in an attempt to capture Him. Whenever we reach out to touch His yellow, slimy flesh, He disappears for a brief moment, and then returns immediately, stronger than ever. War is hell.

Keep your head up,


Portland comedian Barbara Holm has performed at the San Francisco Sketchfest, the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, the All Jane Comedy Festival, and Bumbershoot Arts festival. She has written for IGN, Live Wire, the Portland Mercury, and the Huffington Post. She has been awarded Time Out New York’s Joke of the Week and was named “one of the best things about comedy in 2012” by the Comedy Bureau. For more information check out

Inky’s Letter, by Barbara Holm