The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
This week on Rich Women Doing Things, the rich women … well, they barely do anything at all. Mostly they fuss with their dogs. They fuss that the dogs are always underfoot in their constantly refurbished mansion and they fuss with stray dogs they feel look like their husbands. They attend a horrible exercise class where they stand on a climbing apparatus for 30 minutes and just flail their limbs in a semblance of reaching as if they’re clawing their way to heaven, but then they go nowhere except the ever-widening pool of sweat at their feet. Then they go to lunch and cry about their sisters, or their lack of sisters. Maybe their sisters died in a tragic fire or something. I don’t know. Who can keep track of their sisters?
Mostly what the rich women do is show up very, very late to things. Specifically Dorit. Before I get into this, I just have to say that I’m a little disappointed that a major story line for this whole episode was fighting about exactly how late someone was to 4 p.m. drinks. An acquaintance’s punctuality is something I can fight about with my real friends. I don’t know how many brunches we’ve sat around, railing about how Torrey just can’t ever get there on time. I mean, he knows he lives in Harlem. He knows that the traffic always takes forever. Why can’t he just order a car and give himself an appropriate amount of time to get there? Huh, Torrey? Why?
My point is that since I am arguing about this with my real friends, I don’t want to have to argue about it with my TV friends. I want my TV friends to argue about much more exciting and glamorous things, like who forced them to bring tabloids on a group vacation or whether or not one of them stole the other’s house. That is what I tune in for. I tune in for arguments so huge that they let me escape my stupid, shitty arguments. If I wanted to tune in to a fight about punctuality, I would tune into my, you know, actual life.
Of course I think Dorit is wrong by standing up Teddi for 54 minutes, but I can hardly even stand the sight of Dorit anymore, with her too short, too blunt haircut that makes her look like a ventriloquist dummy who keeps forgetting to go to the barber. Oh, and what about how she calls everyone “my love” and “lovely” and this and that? God, it’s like a dog whistle that only the terminally affected can hear.
She leaves Teddi sitting at some place for an entire hour and never bothers to call or text or anything. And then, when Teddi finally gets a hold of her, she is still at least 15 minutes away and so Teddi is like, “Peace out, I’m going home.” Now, we need to break down all of Dorit’s excuses about why she was late. First of all, she says that she wasn’t supposed to meet Teddi for drinks at 4 p.m., she was supposed to meet “between 4:30 and 5:30.” That is not a time when people meet for drinks. You do not get a window for meeting someone one-on-one. You get a window for when your spouse will be home from grocery shopping or when your Amazon package is going to arrive. Even Domino’s gives you an exact time on their app for when your pizza is going to show up at your door. Dorit definitely gave an exact time. Don’t you think that by 4:15 p.m. Teddi had gone over their correspondence to make sure she had the time right?
Then Dorit tells Teddi that she couldn’t call her to tell her she was running late because she had a longer meeting than expected, and then she got in the car and immediately had an “international call” (like it’s your grandmother who doesn’t want to talk for more than ten minutes because long distance is expensive) that she couldn’t get out of. We all know that meeting was bullshit, first of all, because we saw it. Dorit just sat around in a room with four girls named Melissa who said things to her like, “Red is so having a moment right now,” while Dorit told them she was making a new swimwear line.
Even if the meeting was important, Dorit knew as soon as it ended that she was going to be late, so she could have picked up the phone to call Teddi and let her know before Hong Kong was on the line. It’s a simple courtesy. It takes two seconds. It’s not that hard.
The worst part about this whole scenario, however — except for the fact that we’re still talking about Dorit — is that she refuses to admit any wrongdoing. This is why I hate Dorit. It’s the same thing with her beef with Lisar: She has this narcissistic need to be completely blameless. Like, who cares, Dorit? We’ve all gotten busy and blown off a friend by accident. Just be like, “I was busier than I anticipated. I’m sorry we got our wires crossed. I’m buying you dinner next Wednesday and I promise to be early.” That’s all it takes. It’s that easy. No one will care. But Dorit has to go around town, talking shit about Teddi and how she’s blowing this all out of proportion.
Oh, Teddi! I totally forgot about her. As of this episode, the Eileen Davidson Accord has been lifted and we can pass judgment on her. I have passed that judgment and it is a resounding, “Sure. Okay. Fine.” I think Teddi’s job is bullshit, that her daughter’s name is stupid, and that she’s getting way more money from her father than she would like to let on. However, I find nothing objectionable about her. She does have that common Housewives problem where she likes to say, “I’m not into all this glitz, glamour, and drama. I don’t know why these women are so involved in it.” Does she not know the show she signed up for? That’s like taking a job giving tours at the top of the Empire State Building and then saying you’re afraid of heights.
There is a strange way that Teddi carries her body, as if she’s being hung by two strings connected to her clavicles. It’s like her head is always the first part to enter the room and her body is somehow apologizing for it. I don’t know that I can accurately describe it, but there is something indelicate about the way she moves, from running up a canyon with a trailer to the way she moves her hands in her sit-down interviews. I don’t mind it, just pointing it out. So, yeah, I don’t think Teddi will be long for this world, but she’s not driving me bonkers while she’s around.
There is one good part of all this Dorit and Teddi drama, though. It has brought season-one Camille Grammer back out to play. She’s still pissed at Dorit for calling her a “fucking cunt” in the last episode and said that Dorit is a “bottomless pit of bullshit.” Hashtag Yass Queen, plus 17 crown emojis and a GIF from The Crown. I don’t think that we, as a people, appreciated St. Camille enough when she would shrug and titter that first season and I’m glad that we can now fully embrace her at her bitchiest. It’s like she’s grown up, a full-fledged, flesh-eating orchid. All welcome Audrey III.
Somewhere, sitting in her own living room, with the lights set up, Eileen Davidson was ready for her sit-down interview too. She had all sorts of things to say about Dorit. What do you want her to say about Dorit? She’ll say it all? She sat there, going over epithets in her head as her pancake makeup started to fleck with little beads of sweat from the lights she set up all around her. But she sat still in her chair. She had hit her mark. The production was late, however. Fifty-four minutes late, to be exact. But Eileen didn’t mind. No, she didn’t mind at all. She had at least another day in her. Maybe two if Vince brings her toast in the morning.