In 100 years, when our great-great grandchildren look back at our time and wonder when our empire fell, when we lost everything that made us who we are, when our pride became our ignominy, I won’t point to Donald Trump becoming the president. I will point at this episode of The Bachelor, because they have finally gone too far. They stripped away every bit of dignity and grace from the show. These ladytestants have been so debased that they deserve their own 20/20 special describing their plight. This is the day Arie Luyendyk Jr. became The Bachelor.
I mean, can we even talk about this episode without just talking about the fact that Arie tried to convince these girls to drink their own piss. THEIR OWN PISS. What?! WHAT!?!? Whatever timeline we’re living in is the darkest one. This is the darkest timeline. There could be a timeline where Gary Busey is the president and defeated Hillary Clinton and this would still be the darkest timeline. And the craziest thing is the women peed in travel mugs. Not a single one of them was like, “Nah. I’m not pissing in a travel mug.” They all happily wandered into the woods, hid behind a tree, and pissed in a travel mug. PEED IN A TRAVEL MUG. What happened to those travel mugs? Did they put them in a bin? Was there a basket for when the joke was over? Did they all get to wash their hands because unless they gave them a funnel, they all got pee on their hands. BECAUSE THEY ALL WENT TO PEE IN A TRAVEL MUG. Arie was happily holding hands with them and putting his arm around them. They all got in a hot tub. That hot tub was just a rolling boil of lightly piss-scented water.
And for what?
If Chris Evans himself came sauntering out of the woods and said I could do whatever I wanted to his body and he would make all my fantasies come true and all I had to do was pee in a travel mug, I’d be like, “Nah.”
“But Ali, I’ll put on the suit.”
And THEN he made them eat bugs.
Everyone, I’m all worked up.
Let’s go back to the beginning and deal with some of this like rational people since the show has decided to abandon all reason.
The show is headed to (South) Lake Tahoe! Arie says he’s excited to hike and be outdoors because he loves to be outdoors. The ladytestants head to a cabin and there’s a lot of taxidermy so Kendall is pleased. Everyone has already changed into their chunky sweaters. How did they all have this many chunky sweaters ready? Sienne gets the first one-on-one date. Sienne, I love you, but you’re too pure for this world. She seems like cannon fodder. Arie clearly likes a healthy dose of instability with his women, and Sienne is a Yale grad who is honest about the lack of representation of black women in romance. Girl, you are clearly not his type. He just sincerely decided that he should continue to date a 22-year-old. I know you got the one-on-one date rose, Sienne, but bullet preemptively dodged. On the bright side, Sienne does get a private concert with Lanco. I can’t tell if Lanco is the name of the band or the name of the man. Is Lanco a collective noun for James Van Der Beek impressionists?
Between the first one-on-one date and the group date, Maquel gets a phone call that her grandfather passed away and she decides to go home. Arie tries to make a sympathetic speech about Maquel leaving but he just restates the facts twice as if it’s real emotion.
Then it’s time for the group date. It’s a survivalist-themed date. The ladytestants meet with a pair of survivalist trail guides who are husband and wife. One is a former Green Beret who has survived in, his words, “gnarly terrains.” His wife reminds them that it might be romantic, but there are lots of black bears. Then they hand out travel mugs and ask the women to pee in them.
Couldn’t they hire some cute park ranger to walk them around? I’m sure some Eagle Scout wouldn’t be trying to make them drink their own pee. Is any of this serious? I don’t trust anyone whose first instinct in the wilderness is to drink their own piss.
The worst part of the whole urine thing is one of the unnamed brunettes is totally ready to down a thermos of her own urine to impress Arie.
Next, they dig up some worms and maggots and ask who wants to chow down, and Arie expects these women to kiss him after he slurps down a worm. My black ass would be heading back to the van.
At the cocktail portion of the group date, Krystal’s whole thing comes to a head. She says she’s being challenged on these group dates because all the other ladytestants are obnoxiously overbearing and none of them have personalities. Oh, she says that in front of the other ladytestants. This bitch is BOLD. Some of the other ladytestants push back, but Caroline and Tia sit around and laugh about how unreasonable Krystal is. Krystal is convinced that Caroline and Tia were trying to sabotage her when she was in the hot tub with Arie after their hike so she sits down with Arie. You can actively see her trying to make herself cry. She’s trying so hard. She wants to make herself cry so bad but she can’t.
Someone asks Caroline and Tia who is with Arie, and they both do a spot-on impression of Krystal and answer “Krystal” in unison. Krystal finally pulls them aside to talk about how they hurt her feelings. Tia and Caroline are OVER. IT. But I’m not. Krystal is an amazingly compelling Bachelor villain. She’s absolutely convinced of her own importance, infallible ethics, and stunning beauty. Her li’l feelings are so hurt. Someone sat across from her in a hot tub and made a face for a second. Je suis Krystal. Tia takes Arie aside to remind him that she’s not the crazy one, and she gets the rose.
It’s finally time for Bekah and Arie’s one-on-one date.
Let’s just talk about the big reveal. Bekah is 22. Twenty and two. She approaches everything about this moment with the wild abandon and absurd confidence of someone who is 22 years young. She finally tells Arie how old she is and he freaks out for about 2.5 seconds. He literally goes, “Oh my God. Twenty-two.” He keeps saying that he knew she was young, but not that young. Which is a really gross thing for a man to keep repeating. Also, Arie? You could have said you didn’t want any 22-year-olds on your season. Someone could have set up whatever you wanted. There were entire seasons with no black people. This is also a pretty high-and-mighty position from someone (if you believe rumors) that was dating college students just a year ago.
He keeps asking her if she’ll be ready to get married at the end of this or if she’ll decide she’s not ready and break his heart.
Bekah’s response? “Stop looking for me to give you the reassurance I’m not going to give you.”
Bitch. That is the twenty-two-iest thing ever said. She keeps asking, “Maybe it’ll be worth it.” That’s something you say to Trent outside of his house while his four roommates wait in the Lyft before Spring Formal. That’s something that makes some other 22-year-old get all emotional and horny. Not something you tell a 36-year-old man. Because what’s the correct answer. Everyone, let’s say it together. “I wasn’t ready, but someone like you makes me want to be ready and I’m willing to go on this journey with you. I never thought I was ready to settle down, but then I met someone like you.” That’s how you get a 36-year-old’s dick hard.
After all his hand-wringing, Arie gives her the rose. DUDE. You don’t get points for talking about how dating a 22-year-old in your MID-30S is a bad idea if you give her the one-on-one date rose. You erase all the good-guy cred.
At one point on the group date, Kendall says Arie is a good guy. Is he? Or is he just a white man who hasn’t murdered anyone? What has he done that’s “good”? Because he’s really excited to date a 22-year-old.
It’s almost worse that he goes through the big routine of feeling conflicted because he knows what he’s doing is a stupid decision and borderline creepy. It would be more honest if he just said he’s really excited to bang a 22-year-old. Because Bekah is probably going to go pretty far but not win. So that’s great.
Arie cancels the cocktail party because he knows what he wants to do. And it’s eliminate the last woman in her 30s from the group.
Krystal can’t handle that Arie is having a rose ceremony without talking to him so she takes him aside DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY. The best part is Arie just goes “Oh, yeah” when she asks if she can have a moment with him. He answers with the same tone as someone asking him, “Do you wanna split this soft pretzel?”
When they return, Arie gives roses to Lauren B., Kendall, Ashley, Becca K., Chelsea, Jenna, Jacqueline, Marikh, Krystal. There are no more women older than 29 in the group. This is what we deserve.