Dear Marvel Studios,
Over the past few years, your production company has financed many big-budget, high-octane, insect-inspired films such as Ant-Man (2015), Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), Ant-Man and the Wasp (2018), and Spider-Man: Homecoming 2 (2019). And, considering the sheer volume of insect-films your studio has created (in such a short amount of time, no less), I feel that I am somewhat obligated to now ask the following question:
Why have you not yet offered to finance my insect-hero screenplay, The Fantastic Franz Kafka’s Cockroach-Man?
Loosely based off of Franz Kafka’s 1915 novella Die Verwandlung, (or The Metamorphosis), I believe that my thrilling (yet inspirational) insect-film would be a welcome addition to the ever-growing Marvel “Insectverse.” So, with that in mind, I have enclosed several key Cockroach-Man scenes along with this letter to better convince you as to why my film needs (demands) your full financial support.
To start, here’s one of the film’s opening scenes, which hopefully helps to contextualize everyone’s favorite half-human/half-cockroach abomination:
Fun stuff, right?
In this next scene, we get a glimpse at Cockroach-Man’s romantic subplot:
And if you’re wondering if there’s a classic Stan Lee cameo in this movie… well, worry no more!
Marvel, I realize that your selection process is both highly intensive and extremely selective. But I guarantee that my insect-hero film would be a “Marvelous” addition to your ever-growing Cinematic Universe.
Thank you so, so much for the consideration.
P.S. And don’t forget to check out my latest draft of Thus Spake the Iron Man where the Iron Man finally (finally!) destroys a weak and dying God. Really fun stuff!
Dan Caprera is a freelancer from Chicago. As well as being a columnist and contributor at McSweeney’s, his work has been featured by The Daily Mail, Lonely Planet,The A.V. Club, Uproxx, The Chive, Golf Digest, Mic, ShortList, and BroBible. He has a website.