Time devoted to Becca’s fantasy-suite date and the morning after: 0ne hour.
Time devoted to Lauren’s fantasy-suite date and the morning after: 45 minutes.
Time devoted to Kendall’s fantasy-suite date and the morning after: 26 minutes.
It was no surprise at all that Kendall was going home. Even if we all didn’t see her dismissal coming from a mile away, when her fantasy-suite date was over before I had the chance to finish my customary Bachelor viewing box of Gushers, I knew that girl was toast. Also, why wasn’t there any hand-wringing over Arie straight up saying “I love you” to two women? Usually the Bachelor loves to tease us about who he’s going to say “I love you” to, but I guess “THE BIGGEST CONTROVERSY EVER” that we’re getting previews for every commercial break is overshadowing all other drama. Just tell us what the hell Arie did and free us from this prison. Let’s head to Peru and try to chip away at the six-plus hours of Bachelor we have left.
Arie is getting ready for his date by doing a topographic survey of the lands of Peru and he can only seem to understand the desert as a big beach. Kendall is getting ready for her date and she’s wearing her best grunge as interpreted by Forever 21. She’s feeling a lot of pressure to be ready for marriage when she should really be feeling a lot of pressure to pack her bags.
I know I could never be a contestant on The Bachelor for a lot of reasons — my limited gown wardrobe, my realistic expectations of marriage, my inability to refer to sex as “staying up all night talking” — but the real reason I could never be on The Bachelor is because I’ve never run into a man’s arms, jumped, and wrapped my legs around him. That is something my fat ass simply has never and will never do.
They head out in a dune buggy and put on bandannas over their mouths to keep the sand out. Kendall makes a little joke and says she feels like Mad Max. Arie then goes, “Yeah! Totally!” and does the hang-loose hand gesture. Arie has no idea who or what a Mad Max is. He thinks he’s some wacky guy named Max. Literally no one in the Mad Max cinematic universe has ever hung loose. If anyone in that arid wasteland was hanging loose, they’d be strung up by their earlobes on the front of a war rig. WITNESS ME, ARIE!
After giggling to avoid any meaningful conversation, it’s time for Arie and Kendall to sit down and start talking about some of their issues. Kendall may not be ready to settle down and Arie might be a Pekingese dog made human. We all have our flaws. Kendall says that she’s been in a lot of relationships where she’s been treated like a novelty. I love Kendall and I think she’s probably the most mature and emotionally intelligent ladytestant left but maybe she shouldn’t lead with “I stuff and arrange dead animals.” Kendall tells Arie that she’s falling in love with him, Arie tells her the same thing, and they head into the fantasy suite. The next morning Arie asks how she’s feeling, not just physically but emotionally. The way he says “physically” is disgusting. I’ve now devoted more time to Kendall’s date than ABC did.
It’s time for Lauren’s date and I swear to God, I’m sick of this woman. There is just no warmth or energy coming off her. I’m not saying she has to be smiley and perky all the time, but it would be great to see what Arie sees in her just once. They take a plane ride to look at the Nazca lines and Arie admits he’s falling for this amazing woman, but he only gets to see glimpses of her true self. Well, Arie, we’ve never seen her. Lauren also says that she’s constantly in her head because her feelings get stronger and stronger and so do her fears. WHAT FEELINGS? I don’t think I’ve seen her express a feeling beyond being kinda annoyed that one time in Paris. Again, I’m not asking for her to be a commedia dell’arte jester, but a little glimpse into who she is and what’s she’s feeling would help.
They head to the evening portion of their date. Arie tries to comfort Lauren by telling her that this process will actually make their relationship stronger because he will have “exhausted these other relationships,” so he will feel more confident about being with her.
You want someone to feel like you picked them after you’ve exhausted every other choice? “I gave everyone else a test drive, wore them out, and picked you.” Can you imagine telling your mom or your friends: “I know he really likes me because he exhausted all his other options and ended up with me!” That’s what’s supposed to pass for romance? FUCKING YIKES.
Then Arie tells Lauren that he loves her. Not I’m falling for you or “I can see myself falling in love with you.” I. Love. You. And her reply starts with the word “well.” I can’t with this bitch. She says “I love you” back. They head to the fantasy suite with the actual shittiest cover of “How Do I Live.” Why not just fly in some weird country singer or band with some name like Elle Parker Posey or Landflower to serenade them instead of subjecting my ears to that pitchy LeAnn Rimes wannabe?
The next morning, they had a nice looooooong chat and they’re very happy with where their relationship is going. Lauren feels that every one of her worries has subsided. Maybe now we can see a little bit of that carefree, girlish personality.
It’s time for Becca’s date. Really, the only interesting part is when HER EX-BOYFRIEND shows up IN PERU to PROPOSE TO HER. The reason the actual date portion isn’t that interesting is because Becca seems like one of those women who would be having a great time no matter who she’s with. She would crack the same basic-ass jokes (“Ugh, oh my God! When do I move in!” when she walks up to tent set up for their evening date in the desert). She’d do the same “I’m the king of the world!” routine on the front of the boat. She doesn’t have any doubts or hesitations and she’s just so happy without any questioning anything that’s happening or about to happen to her. Poor thing, because for a brief moment, ABC is willing to tear all her shit down. After exchanging “I love yous” with Arie, they share a night in a tent in the desert WHEN EVERYONE ELSE GOT TO BE IN A REGULAR-ASS HOTEL. Where were the amenities beside a bed? What kind of animals live in the Peruvian deserts? Where was the bathroom?
The next morning, they head back to their resort to get ready for the rose ceremony when a man in a tan suit who looks like if Friday Night Lights was a person shows up to ask for Becca’s hand. I would also describe him as “pro wrestler heading to Easter service” or “guy who gets beat up by Black Panther during a fight sequence set in a London pub.” What I’m trying to say is he’s a dumb, thicc snack. I’m not saying Becca should have taken him back, but I get it.
He talks about how he just happened to find out Becca was on the show and he didn’t know it ended with a proposal. He started asking around and just happened to find out Becca was in Peru and managed to find her. Yeah, sure. He just ASKED someone and they knew she was in Peru. There’s NO WAY Becca’s family or friends would tell her ex-boyfriend, whom she broke up with over a year ago, “Yeah, she’s in Peru and I’m sure she’d love to see you.” He says he was willing to walk across the desert to find her. Oh, but you couldn’t call her like six months ago, bro?
He sits down with Arie and tells him that he still loves Becca, and Arie tries to assert that his relationship of about eight weeks deserves a little more respect. Instead of like standing up for Becca in what would probably be a traumatic interaction, Arie just lets Ross go propose.
There are a NUMBER of things wrong here. First, Ross thinks he’s entitled to Becca’s time, affection, or love. Then the fact that Arie never stands up for Becca and just goes along with the assumption that if a man has “done a lot,” a woman has to entertain him. Just because a dude bought a plane ticket doesn’t mean you have to see him. He can take a carriage ride on the beach and eat some Peruvian delicacies and head home. Arie keeps saying he’s pissed, but he keeps saying it with the same enthusiasm as a dune-buggy ride.
Ross knocks on Becca’s door and her first reaction is “No. Ross. No. Oh my God. Fuck. No.” She says she knew he was going to do this because he thinks his life is a movie and he starts doing his best Hallmark movie impression. “My head and my heart always come back to you. My intention is to win you back.” He thought if he did something big, he could win her back. Okay, so he DOES think his life is a movie. Becca just keeps screaming “NO. OH GOD.” And then he just marches off saying, “I have no business here.” Only after she screams, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE?” over and over does he realize maybe he shouldn’t have come.
Arie sits with Becca after Ross leaves and Arie says he doesn’t know if Becca still has feelings for Ross in her heart, even though Becca just sent Ross home and came to Arie immediately. How could Arie possibly know what Becca’s feelings are, even though she’s telling him and demonstrating her feelings?
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Instead of forcing Kendall to go through the whole ceremony, Arie takes her aside again and tells her that he’s just not feeling it and sends her home. At least she gets to leave with a little dignity as Arie, Becca, and Lauren stare out into the sunset.
Bonus points if you also laughed out loud when they cut to the horse behind Arie.