Andy Samberg as Jake and Melissa Fumero as Amy.
The future of Brooklyn Nine-Nine might be uncertain — the Fox sitcom is yet to be renewed for a sixth season — but its return on Sunday night after a mid-season break also marked the return of Detective Jake Peralta’s slick sex-tape puns. Although the will-they, won’t-they romantic intrigue between Amy Santiago (Melissa Fumero) and Jake (Andy Samberg) ended in the season-two finale (they did!), Jake’s sex-tape jokes certainly did not. Jake started poking fun at high-strung fellow cop Amy back in the first season by turning her accidental double entendres into imaginary sex-tape titles, and it has since become one of the show’s silliest running themes. We’re sure to get more before the season is over, so here is a list of every sex tape that Jake has invented on B99 so far.
Amy: I’ll get my stuff, but this better not bite me in the ass.
Jake: This Better Not Bite Me in the Ass, name of your sex tape.
Amy: Why doesn’t your mouth work?
Jake: Why Doesn’t Your Mouth Work? Title of our sex tape.
Jake: Your sex tape!
Gina: Eek, blast of cold air coming out of that box.
Jake: Name of Amy’s sex tape!
Amy: I just got it out of the vent to rub it in your faces.
Jake: I Just Got It Out of the Vent to Rub It in Your Faces, name of your sex tape.
Judge Marinovich: One more “but,” and you will be in contempt.
Jake: One More “Butt” and You’re in Contempt, name of your sex tape.
Amy: Just as long as we’re clear, I’m with someone and nothing is going to happen.
Jake: I’m With Someone, Nothing’s Going to Happen, name of your sex tape.
Jake: So … we broke a rule.
Amy: Yeah … I hope it wasn’t a mistake.
Jake: I Hope It Wasn’t a Mistake, title of your sex tape. Title of our sex tape!
Amy: Can you magically make everyone kind, sober, and fully dressed?
Jake: Kind, Sober, and Fully Dressed. Good news everyone, we found the name of Santiago’s sex tape!
Amy: I’m sorry about tonight.
Jake: I’m Sorry About Tonight! We found the title for Santiago’s follow-up sex tape.
Amy: It’s not your fault, I was terrible.
Jake: It’s Not Your Fault, I Was Terrible is also one of your sex tapes.
Amy [to Jake]: It was slightly less unbearable with you. [Pause.] Don’t!
Amy: I’m horrible at this. When can we stop?
Jake: I’m Horrible at This—
Amy: I know, I know. Title of my sex tape.
Jake: Huh, well done. Title of my sex tape!
Amy: I’ve been looking, but I can’t find anything and I don’t know what to do.
Jake: I Can’t Find Anything and I Don’t Know What to Do, title of your sex tape.
Amy: I’m so confused, I don’t know what’s happening right now
Jake: I’m So Confused, I Don’t Know What’s Happening Right Now, title of your sex tape.
Amy: Not even going to touch that.
Jake: The Amy Santiago Story.
Jake [to Captain Holt]: My mother has a fantastic basement. Title of your sex tape. Too soon?
Amy: Uh-oh. I hope it doesn’t get too sexual.
Jake: Uh-Oh, I Hope It Doesn’t Get Too Sexual, title of your sex tape. But seriously, what is taking so long? Also, the title of your sex tape.
Amy [after Jake proposes]: Oh my God, I’m shaking, I’m definitely gonna cry. Title of your sex tape?
Amy: I could go on and on and on.
Jake: Is something no lover of yours has ever said.
Seamus Murphy: Let’s kill them both, get out of here before the cops come.
Jake: Wait, no, no, no, I was lying about the backup. I came alone. Title of my sex tape!