The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Sometimes you gotta give it up to an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta for being just plain fun. Not every episode has to be a drama-filled chaos sphere. Sometimes we can just have a fashion show and a trip to Jamón Experience. Sure, there’s a little bit of shade and a mandatory praise session, but these women are so damn fun that I’m fine just watching them eat ham and seafood.
When the title card popped up that it was only their second day in Barcelona, I had to lie down. I swore they’ve been there for about a week and a half. They’re leaving the villa and saying, “Bye mildew!” While they’re on the bus, NeNe fills everyone one in on why Porsha is no longer with them. Marlo says it’s because Porsha was hurt by what she did to Kandi. I mean … that’s part of it. NeNe says that for the group to welcome Porsha back into their arms, she’s got to fully atone. Can this woman just ask for forgiveness in a sincere way or move on? It feels like we’re about to hemorrhage Housewives, especially with Marlo getting an interview look and all. Porsha better hurry her apology up before someone snatches that peach.
They all pile into their suites and order a little room service. Shereé heads to her room to call Tyrone. Kandi comes up with the idea that they should dress Shereé up and do a sexy photoshoot to send to Tyrone. This is the wholesome content I signed up for. They all divvy up their roles, but then Kandi asks NeNe if she has talked to Shereé since the Elephant in the Room ceremony. Nene goes into a monologue about how Tyrone is not her man, and how she doesn’t need Tyrone because she is what? Sickening. Oh sorry, I combined my reality-TV divas. But if you think about it, Shangela is kinda the NeNe of Drag Race. Kandi is shocked that her question got a full-on monologue out of NeNe and just wanted to know what was going on. Then NeNe drops that, “No, I never went out with Tyrone despite what you may have heard,” and Kandi is like, “Bitch, we never heard nothing.” NeNe is trying hard not to spill everything, but she really wants people to keep asking her about it. She’s doing that thing.
Shereé comes in and everyone jumps into action to make the photoshoot a reality. Marlo is in charge of the outfit and that’s how Shereé ends up with leopard tights with leopard shoes which is, honestly, a look. I also related to Shereé saying she didn’t want to do the photoshoot because she’s on her period. I admire her honesty and bravery. Marlo duct tapes Shereé’s titties into place and the photoshoot is on. After the photoshoot, they have another twerk session until four in the morning.
The next day, they all wake up at about 11 a.m. and Shereé, Kandi, Eva, and Shamea are the first ones to make it to the room-service breakfast spread. Shamea reads her lines off the cue card and brings up NeNe and Kandi’s interaction the night before and Shereé wants to know exactly what NeNe said. She retells the story of how she met Tyrone and how NeNe was trying to get Shereé paid less for an event appearance. The moral of the story is: NeNe never dated Tyrone, but she seemed like she wanted to.
The tensions in the city are high because there’s the protests for Catalan independence and to hear these ladies attempt to explain what’s going on with global politics is a thrill. I want that podcast. Do you think that’s what Porsha’s podcast is?
On the bus ride to the flea markets, Cynthia says that she would love to be with Kandi because she wouldn’t have to work. Bitch, you ain’t working now. Everyone is fascinated with Kandi’s sexuality in a way that makes me think that everyone 100 percent wants to have sex with her. This no longer feels like a joke. It feels like everyone has thought about it seriously and is willing to risk it all for a piece of Kandi.
Then they go to Jamón Experience, which I am fully ready to franchise to the States for a ham tasting. NeNe acts like she doesn’t know what cured ham is. After a little sampling, half of the girls head upstairs for lunch and the other half head out for more shopping. NeNe says it’s inappropriate for anyone to ask her about someone else’s man, but you can tell she’s dying to talk about it.
The next day, everyone gets up and gets ready for Cynthia’s “Love & Light Spiritual Cleansing Day Trip.” But first, NeNe lays down a baseline of shade for Shereé. She knows that Shereé doesn’t look out for anyone but herself and she’s not willing to go out on a limb for anybody, especially Kim. All that said, Shereé knew about the video. Before Barcelona. What did Shereé know? When did she know it? What exactly is a water bug?
Cynthia decides to drive the ladies to the coast for a little cleansing. Everything is going to be love, light, and spiritual (not vaginal) rejuvenation. On the bus ride, she says that everyone has to be positive and share something positive. So Kandi shares her new song “Fake People,” a.k.a. “(I Can’t Fuck With) Fake People.” To me, it sounds like a song celebrating healthy boundaries, but Cynthia doesn’t think it’s that positive. They make it to the beach and Cynthia has prepared candles for everyone to light. That’s not all: Under each person’s candle is a name and they have to say something nice about that person.
Oh! Before we get to the water’s edge and the candle-lighting ceremony, Marlo says about the sand, “It feels like whole-grain rice.” I don’t know why, but that made me laugh out loud so incredibly loudly.
Everybody takes turns complimenting each other during the candle ceremony, and Marlo’s entire titty is out while she’s toasting Kandi. The toasts are all sweet, but the best one is when Eva has to say something nice about Shamea. She starts with, “We got off on the wrong foot. I did not appreciate the shade. It’s whack and tired and sad and childish.” She does apologize for the tension at the start of their relationship and they hug it out. Cynthia made sure to include a candle for Porsha and NeNe hopes she finds peace. Cynthia thanks everyone, takes three steps into the water and puts some water on her titties. She is cleansed.