As a millennial, I’m so frustrated when I see my peers complaining about their circumstances. The idea that my generation is entirely helpless victims to a failed economy is simply untrue. Look at my own story: Even though I’m only 25, I was recently able to purchase my first house through a combination of working hard, saving my earnings, and by being the only daughter of William J. Houses, the man who invented all houses.
And you can do it too!
So many young people don’t understand that paying rent is sunken money. When I was renting, I hated spending $1000+ a month on my Chicago apartment when I knew that money could be going to a mortgage. Not that I would have to pay a mortgage, because as William J. Houses’s beloved only child, I technically own every house and answer to no bank. But that’s not the point!
Sure, many people my age rent because they can’t afford a house in their big city, and don’t want to sacrifice city living and a quick commute to live in the suburbs. But as the sole heir to the Houses family fortune, I have eminent domain over any and all houses. So I just picked one right in the heart of the city! It really couldn’t be easier.
I don’t understand why everyone doesn’t do this!
For my house, I selected a beautiful craftsman home in Chicago’s Lakeview neighborhood. Of course, it was a bit tricky trying to get its current residents to move out. These liars tried to tell me the house had been in their family for almost a century, when everyone knows my father didn’t invent houses at all until 1979!
I finally had to be all “Check the ID, friend-os, my name is Jessica Houses, and these are my houses.” That did the trick.
And all the stress turned out to be worth it, because now I had a house of my very own in addition to all the other houses I could own if I wanted to! Whenever I entertain (which is often), my friends tell me I’ve got it all figured out and they are super duper jealous. I respond that they could be living in a house of their own too, if only they would stop renting, build a time machine, go back to being a fetus, and choose to be born to Mr. William Jonathan Houses of East Peoria, Illinois.
My friends love it when I tell them this.
“People” say I have “advantages” but it’s really not true. Sure, I don’t have any student loan debt—but that’s because I worked very hard to get a full scholarship from my dad. Do you think it’s easy to pick out the perfect book on World War II for 25 Christmases in a row?
I worked hard to get a good job—seizing people’s houses, saying I own them now, and charging families rent to stay there. Now, am I technically able to do that because of my family? Yes. But like my dad always says, “I can lift you to the net, but only you can put the ball through it!” And as anyone who’s played basketball knows: that’s the hardest part.
Was saving money hard at times? Yes. Would my friends make fun of me for being a hard-ass about my budget, even if that meant skipping a happy hour or a helicopter auction here and there? Indubitably. But I’d gladly trade a helicopter or two to have the security that comes with going home to same house every night until I get bored with it and decide to buy a different house. That’s actually happened seven times so far.
So get your act together, millennials! Stop renting, start saving, and go back in time and be born someone else! It’s that simple.
Sarah James is a writer in Los Angeles whose work has appeared on Reductress, The Toast, and others. Follow her on Twitter for too many cat pictures @cryingbaseball.