On Wednesday, House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that he’s retiring from Congress. Though he plans to stay through the end of the year, late-night hosts wasted no time bidding farewell to one of their favorite punching bags. In honor of the occasion, The Late Show with Stephen Colbert released a clip package of Ryan’s “most courageous stances” — a video full of Ryan avoiding commenting on Trump’s scandals with statements like, “I don’t even know what all of these accusations are.”
Over on The Daily Show, Trevor Noah ripped apart Ryan’s history of “fiscal conservatism.” He noted that though Ryan had demanded the U.S. government rein in the debt under Obama, when Trump came to office the Republican championed a tax bill that will reportedly contribute to a massive federal budget deficit. Still, the comedian paid his respects to the politician by pouring out a 40 (grams of a protein). Noah joked, “Don’t worry, just like Paul Ryan’s deficits, someone else is going to have to clean this up.”
Jordan Klepper’s Alex Jones-type conservative character had his own theory for why Ryan would want to leave. Taking out an X-ray, The Opposition host explained with faux concern, “Paul Ryan is retiring because of a serious medical condition. You see, Paul Ryan has no spine. It’s tragic.”
Instead of writing a traditional monologue joke, Late Night with Seth Meyers sang a song about Ryan’s retirement. Writer Amber Ruffin spoofed Roy Orbison’s “Crying” with her parody version, Roy Amberson’s “Ryan.” She crooned, “Retirement is what you choose / ‘Cause if you run, you’re gonna lose / People stopped listening to you / Oh I don’t wish you well / You’re douchey I can tell.”
