I wish I had a pithy little intro paragraph that deftly connected the themes of this episode to something else. Like a parody of a podcast or a story from my life, but I can’t do that this week because all I have to say about this episode is: GET CANDIACE OFF MY DAMN TV. I cannot with this woman. We’ve had a few episodes with her and I just don’t get it. What is going on there? What am I supposed to be latching onto with this one? What is she giving us that we don’t already get from Monique or Ashley? Because I swear to God if the only story line we’re gonna get from her is “My susband is white!” I’m already bored. AND I HAVE A WHITE BOYFRIEND.
Also, has it never occurred to her that “susband” sounds less like “soon-to-be husband” and more like “suspect husband?”
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, is more ridiculous than Ashley, Gizelle, and Candiace at Ashley’s yoga class and Candiace insisting that her white-ass fiancé turns into a “brown man” when he gets drunk. Can we just peel back the layers on this one?
First, let’s start with the ridiculous premise that white people have secret brown people just lurking inside of them. No, bitch. No. Deep down inside white people? It’s just khaki. Pleated khakis.
Then, in Candiace’s fiancé’s case, his behavior when he drinks is not so unlike a brown person. WHAT?!?! He’s so wild and crazy, he’s just like a person of color? Why are we doing this? Who is this performance for? Just be with your white fiancé and stop trying to imagine a world where he’s just like a man of color.
Then finally, Candiace decides to tell Ashley and Gizelle the color of her fiancé’s penis.
Lemme guess? It’s white? White-person colored?
Nope, according to Candiace, it’s light brown with a pink tip. SO?!?! I wish I could make my “SO?!?!” five sizes bigger because I do not understand why Candiace would tell someone that or why she thinks it’s shocking or funny. Does she think if his penis isn’t the same color as the underbelly of a pig that means he’s less white?
Because all it sounds like is that Candiace doth protest too much and she wants to make everyone comfortable with her non-homeowner white fiancé. If you wanted to fuck a brown dick, you could have made that a reality for yourself, Candiace, so you better own his pink-ass dick.
The other development for Candiace this episode is she tries to say the word “prenuptial” and it comes out “prenumptial.” She sits down with Chris to ask him if he wants to sign a prenumptial agreement and since his ass isn’t on the lease, he doesn’t care. Candiace decides to throw a bubble soccer party because Chris played soccer his whole life and bubble soccer is, and I quote, “a more nuanced version of soccer.” I truly cannot with this bitch.
Monique is at home with her kids when Charisse comes over. What is the deal with Charisse? Why is she hanging out so much? She’s not even doing anything particularly interesting. Then Monique and Charisse make fun of Gizelle’s public-reading skills.
Robyn has the girls over to paint a spare room in her house and Charisse makes sure to tell everyone that Monique thinks Gizelle needs a ghost reader for her book. Ma’am. How are you going to sit there and giggle with Monique and then turn around and tell Gizelle? This isn’t even good or fun gossip. Charisse, get out of my television program and don’t come back until you have some better gossip! Gizelle does just describe Monique as “sad and simple and dumb” and I can’t say I disagree.
Ashley sits with Michael and he tells her again that she has to cut her mother off. At this point, I can’t say that Michael shouldn’t be able to set this boundary, but the whole ultimatum thing and the way he talks to her just bums me out. He’s lecturing her and doesn’t even begin to hear her side of the story. He talks to her like he’s her father. Bummer. I don’t know how long this has been an issue, but it definitely sounds like he’s ready to walk away. That also bums me out, even if he is an old man.
It’s time for bubble soccer! Everyone keeps asking Candiace WHY do you keep bringing up your fiancé’s penis and Candiace says that the first question all of her black girlfriends asked her is what color his penis is. Umm … no? My first question would be, “Why is he okay with banging one floor below your mother?” and I wouldn’t even get to the penis color.
It takes a minute for Chris’s restaurant to the deliver the food and once it arrives, it’s time for Karen to flip out about the lack of any napkins. Then Gizelle and Charisse ask Candiace about exactly what her mom pays for. Of course, that answer is a moving target. Then Candiace says that Chris pays her car note and most of the mortgage. Which bills is Candiace actually paying?
Then the best moment in reality-TV history happens: Karen is tired and trying to explain something to the rest of the ladies and her wig just starts to slip off and she just can’t fix it. Plus, she’s hot and tired from being in the sun and she just starts screaming, “HOLD ON. DAMN IT. IT’S HOT-OH! WAIT! HOLD ON! IT’S HOT!” She starts pulling and tugging and, in a weird move, tries to use her sunglasses to force the wig back into place.
I swear, time stopped as I watched Karen scream at everyone and try to get this wig back into place. You could see it start to slip and I don’t even know what caused it to fall, but the reactions of everyone combined with Candiace trying to help were just too much.
Candiace even offers hair from her hair line. Girl. Nobody wants that hair.
Someone says, “Just take it off!” and KAREN SHOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN THE WIG OFF. Let us see you, Karen. We’ll like you more.