The Real Housewives of Potomac
We are STILL at the Fat Bird Resort. There’re still a few secrets to be revealed under the warm and hospitable gaze of the all-knowing Fat Bird. Once the ladies of Potomac break free from the resort and head back to the various suburbs of D.C., all hell breaks loose.
This episode started with some typical Karen spin about the question that was posed as the cliff-hanger last week. Karen says that Ray asked her for a divorce a long time ago and that they worked through a difficult time. She also says that his stress level is high and he’s not feeling well. You know what is a great stress reliever? Paying your god damn taxes, Ray. Robyn chimes in again about Karen calling her a dizzy bitch. She says that at least she has a college degree and Karen says she walked away from her parents’ offer to pay for college because she was an entrepreneur. Wait … what? Then Karen reveals that she’s going to make a fragrance and she’s in the discovery phase. Y’know that business-planning phase? Discovery phase?
Everyone heads off to change for the hot tub and Karen pulls Gizelle into her room to clarify some of that “Ray asked for a divorce” thing. She says that Ray may have asked her for another divorce to “protect her” from the IRS investigation. Is it even worth it to try to parse out the truth about anything that Karen says at this point? Is she just a Tennessee Williams character just waiting for the truth to be revealed in the second act? Will she fall apart or finally get that lobotomy by the end of this play when her secrets are finally revealed? Oooh, that got dark.
To bring us right back up to a hilarious place, Ashley pops in one of Karen’s wigs and prances around as Kuren Hoogur. That bogus thick-ass honey-colored wig is a delight. I need someone to give me an estimate on how much Karen’s wig costs because once it’s on Ashley’s head, it doesn’t look … expensive. A few of the ladies head out to the hot tubs to smoke cigars and put shower caps over their hair to keep the smoke out.
The next day, everyone is back to their everyday life but they’re all talking about Monique drinking four martinis and driving home. ALLEGEDLY. Part of Monique’s defense is that Ashley is just a lightweight. Ummm … if you’re getting mad at people for insinuating that you have a drinking problem and your response is “YEAH WELL, YOU can’t hold YOUR liquor,” you most DEFINITELY have a drinking problem.
Monique feels betrayed that Ashley would go behind her back and gossip about her. Why can’t Ashley just let the fact that Monique had four martinis at lunch and then crashed her car lie? Monique also says that she doesn’t want to mess around with people who have nothing to lose. Monique tries to pretend that she’s all apple cider vinegar and ginger health tonics but that bitch is shady.
Gizelle is at home prancing around with a Bible and a church-lady hat to get herself back into the frame of mind of being the First Lady of a megachurch. This is a sort of reverse exposure therapy cooked up by her ghostwriter. She takes some time to FaceTime Robyn to vent about her relationship troubles. Gizelle sent Sherman an article about their relationship from People magazine and he hasn’t talked her to in 29 hours. Maybe he’s in a Marvel movie marathon, Gizelle.
Karen goes to see that li’l dude she claims is her assistant. Their relationship freaks me out and it’s way too casual. Matt carries himself with the informal attitude of someone who has seen Karen nude. Think about it. We all know he has. I’m not saying they did anything but he’s seen her body. She’s planning a scent event and she would like eveyrone’s feedback about her upcoming fragrance. Some of Karen’s possible names for her perfume: “FIERCE,” “FIRE,” “EVASION.”
Then comes the portion of the episode where we get to see two dysfunctional mother-daughter relationships. Candaice meets with her mom and her wedding planner to look at a possible venue. Her wedding planner comes in, gives a few estimates, and leaves within four minutes of sitting down. Unfortunately, Candaice’s mother sticks around to dish out some “advice” that’s just her talking shit about Candaice’s father. Candaice can’t even bring up her father without her mother going, “Well, he walked out on you when you were a baby.” That might be true, but there’s gotta be a better way to introduce that into conversation. Candaice walks off in tears and you can’t blame her.
Meanwhile, Ashley goes to see her mom and make sure she’s getting out of her house. This goes about as well as expected.
We also see a completely different side of Ashley and her mom’s relationship. Before this point, her mom had been a generally sad character and was pretty understated when it came to her frustration with Ashley but now? Holy shit. Just call her mom “The Vixen” because she’s there to fight. This whole story line is becoming more and more uncomfortable. Ashley is trying to hold onto a modicum of dignity and is trying to convince herself as hard as she can that Michael forcing her to do this is a good idea. Bravo, can we just not? Please? Also, Ashley’s mom tries to say that what she’s going through isn’t that bad because she’s not on drugs. Again, if you have to say it, your argument isn’t that strong.
Finally, it’s time for Karen’s perfume party. She’s invited a scent expert and does not want any of these ladies to embarrass her. Everyone arrives and Monique has decided that she no longer fucks with Ashley for “ruining her reputation.” Bitch. You were the one who fell asleep at the wheel in the middle of the day. You weren’t driving across the country at 4 a.m. You had a boozy lunch and got behind the wheel of your car. So Monique is “detoxing” from Ashley’s bad energy.
Of course, the ice gets broken and Ashley and Monique start going after each other. Monique says that she’s an actual businesswoman who isn’t concerned with losing her allowance. YIKES.
Karen says that everyone will conduct themselves professionally and she will not have everyone acting a fool on her dime. THIS IS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES, KAREN. Does Karen still believe she’s on the fictional special on etiquette she was pitched to trick her onto the show? She gets security to escort everyone out. Once outside, Robyn and Gizelle start rolling their eyes about Monique and her businesses. Monique turns her attention to Robyn when Robyn suggests that Monique might have a problem. I believe that Ashley is somewhat concerned for Monique. Robyn doesn’t even care if Monique lives or dies.
Monique and Robyn get into a shouting match and they end up shouting “Shut up” at each other like 8-year-olds. Karen tries to get security involved once Monique and Robyn get in each other’s faces. I would pay GOOD MONEY to see these two physically fight. I’m ready, Bravo. Give me what I want!