We are walking into truly the darkest of days. We are watching our institutions crumble. The people we thought we could rely on are asleep at the wheel. A raccoon was trapped on a building in Saint Paul, Minnesota, for 24 hours. It takes everything to not be fatalistic about the state of the world and politics. But when the best group of contesticles The Bachelorette has to offer contains someone who is not only a sexual offender but a flat-Earther, I’m ready to join that raccoon on the ledge. We have a sexual offender who is lagging Christopher Columbus when it comes to planetary science. What else do we have? This season’s front-runner is a bigot. Fine, we don’t know if Garrett is a bigot. He just finds bigotry interesting enough to like on Instagram. Plus, David fell off his bunk bed in the middle of the night and broke his entire face. I feel like we’re moving past that as a people and we have to remember to fight every battle.
Maybe we’ve failed our romantic lead when we’ve presented her with a suitor who was arrested for groping a woman on a harbor cruise and another who thinks laughing at school-shooting survivors is … cool? Maybe … Just maybe … it is hilarious that a man fell off a bunk bed like an 8-year-old and everyone is treating him like he overcame an obstacle. Because it just feels so icky to see Lincoln and Garrett get roses, to see Becca fawn all over Garrett on their one-on-one date this week when we know she was a Hillary supporter and advocates for equal rights is icky. Because David’s eye is icky. We must stand together to get through whatever this is now.
And we’ve got a rose ceremony to get to! David arrives back at the mansion and they’ve unblurred his face and the floor kicked his ass. Chris calls David “a fighter” and says he wouldn’t wish what David “endured” on anyone. Jordan says that David looks like a Picasso with “the clock over here and the beach over here.” Okay, I see what happened here. Jordan has very confidently mixed up Picasso and Dali. In a strange way, he made the right reference. Becca gives him gold short shorts and these things become Chekhov’s underpants. It’s only a matter of time before Jordan starts prancing around in them.
Becca gives David Clay’s rose so he can go lie down per the doctor’s orders. Everyone else files in for the rose ceremony. This is where they begin Jean Blanc Ralphio’s loser edit and my God is it a powerful edit. This entire episode should be shown in ninth-grade literature classes as an example of dramatic irony. The audience knows something the characters don’t.
Jason, Wills, Nick, Christon, Lincoln, Blake, Garrett, Leo, John, Connor, and Jordan all get roses. Nick is wearing a track suit and it feels like it means a lot to him but this is the most we’ve heard him speak this entire time. Jean Blanc Ralphio gets the last rose and it sends him into a shame spiral.
Mike goes home and they don’t even give him a good-bye video clip. Good-bye man-bun, we hardly knew ye.
It’s time to head to Park City, Utah! The first date of the week is with Garrett. UUUUGGGHHH. Becca does that whole “jump onto him like a howler monkey” thing and she’s smitten. Who cares anymore. I hardly want to give him the page space. What’s so notable is that when the dates on this show are between two people with a lot of chemistry who clearly like each other, they’re kind of boring. It’s just watching two people who like each other giggle and smile. It’s not exactly riveting. He tells the story of his short early marriage and Becca is worried for approximately 15 seconds that he might not be ready to commit again but they make out and all her worries are erased. Is the show trying to erase all our bad feelings about Garrett by really playing up Becca’s talking about how sweet and nice Garrett is? They go bobsledding and he gets the date rose.
There is also a not-so-subtle uplifting theme this episode of winter sport athletes finding love and victory together. I was all-in on those bobsled experts who married each other. I would like some kind of Queer Eye sports spinoff starring these two. Do I know who they’re making over? No. Do I know how they’re making people over? No. Am I going to watch every episode and cry? YES.
While Garrett and Becca are on their date, Lincoln reveals that he thinks the Earth is flat. He says he just needs more proof. WHAT KIND OF PROOF ARE YOU PREPARED TO ACCEPT? Do your want your ass floated out to space to see the world? Does he want Jordan’s God to come down and whisper in his ear “It’s round, bitch”? He keeps saying the word “friction” like it’s going to convince everyone that the Earth is flat. Here’s what happens with all these flat-Earther dum-dums. They think that they’re smarter than everyone else. By being skeptical of something that everyone knows is true from kindergarten on, they’re challenging the status quo, man.
It’s time for the next date card to arrive. Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and the ever-deteriorating Jean Blanc Ralphio are heading to the wilderness to meet a sexy lumberjack couple for lumberjack games. I, much like Becca, can appreciate some objectifying displays of traditional masculinity. That’s just a lot of words to say LEO’S ASS IN THEM JEANS. Mild-mannered John finds his inner Brawny man and dominates the 30-foot pole-climbing competition in the relay race. He gets the golden ax trophy but he doesn’t believe that lizard people are lurking under the surface of the Earth so he doesn’t get any screen time.
Becca is excited to get to the cocktail party and, oh boy, here comes that dramatic irony again. Before Jean Blanc Ralphio can fully self-destruct, Jordan puts on those li’l panties and prances around while Becca laughs. Can he tell if she’s laughing at him or with him because, bitch, I cannot. Colton decides that he’s had ENOUGH of this tomfoolery so he takes Jordan aside to tell him he isn’t respectful and that Jordan is an asshole.
I’m not exactly a Jordan fan but it’s clear he’s harmless. Jordan’s just drunk on sea salt spray. Colton’s strategy won’t work. You don’t tell the crazy guy on the bus that you’re disappointed in him. He’s just going to tell you that the profesionality of his intellectualitude is superior to yours. You can’t argue with that shit.
Now. Now is time for Jean Blanc Ralphio to self-destruct. He steals some time with Becca and presents her with a perfume he created with one of the world’s top fragrance makers and a label he printed in Microsoft Word. He goes in for a kiss from Becca and she isn’t feeling it. He gets interrupted and won’t take no answer for an answer. He sits back down with Becca again and tells her that he’s falling in love with her. Jean. It’s episode four. I even had to remind myself because I feel like we’ve been living this hell forever.
Becca rightfully freaks out because she’s just not feeling it. She says that it might be time for Jean Blanc to leave because their feelings aren’t going to match up. On the way out, Jean asks about the perfume. Becca asks if he wants it back. This just shows again how shitty the guys Becca is used to. He says he doesn’t understand why she didn’t react the way he thought she would and since she didn’t … he didn’t mean it. He thought she just wanted to hear it so he said it. Y’know … like an insincere person. This makes Becca even MORE furious and she starts to get Arie vibes from Jean Blanc and escorts him the fuck outta there. She cancels the rest of the night and sends everyone back to their bunks.
Everyone is scared shitless because Becca’s rage isn’t simmering under the surface anymore. Her eyes are glowing white hot and she demands an emotional sacrifice. Enter Wills. They head to the mountains to ride snowmobiles and Wills supplicates himself in front of Becca. He doesn’t raise his voice above a whisper and they barely talk about anything other than how they shouldn’t talk about what happened the night before. Wills makes enough of an emotional offering to Becca that her rage is quelled for the time being and he gets the date rose.
That night, Becca has cancelled the cocktail party because she is FUCKING OVER IT. It’s time for the rose ceremony.
Leo, Colton, Blake, Jason, Connor, John, Chris, David, and Jordan get roses. And Jordan has never been last place in his life so he’s ready to fight for what he wants: more metallic underpants!