The Real Housewives of Potomac
Even though this episode had some delicious drama and some emotional highs and lows, it still didn’t compare to all the chaos of the rest of the season. In another franchise and maybe even another season, an episode with a mysterious breakup and a symbolic prenup renewal would be top-notch material. But in season three of Potomac? It’s all a little basic. Let’s get into it.
The set-up shots of everything really lays out their emotional state. Karen is blissfully buying candy and Monique is cooking with her family while Ashley does yoga on a rooftop and thinks about the future of her troubled marriage. I’m not entirely convinced that Ashley’s gesture of re-signing her prenup is … romantic? As much as Ashley and Michael swear their relationship doesn’t center around money and finances, their gestures of commitment are signing financial documents. Can’t they fly to Hawaii and renew their vows? Meanwhile, Robyn is planning her women’s empowerment event, which is very vague. Everything she says about it sounds like it’s the informational meeting for a pyramid scheme with cocktail dresses.
Gizelle is going to get a blood facial done. I want everyone to notice that Gizelle is going to get a facial with FULL EYE MAKEUP ON. She is wearing lashes and getting her own blood slathered on her face. She says it’s her responsibility to stay up to date on all the new beauty trends as the face of Every Hue Beauty. Robyn stops by to visit her during her blood facial and Robyn asks about Gizelle’s upcoming birthday. She also asks if Gizelle has heard from her alleged boyfriend, Sherman.
Gizelle struggling to get in touch with Sherman is both comforting and distressing. Comforting to know that truly any and every man is capable of ghosting on you. It doesn’t matter if he’s in his… 50s? At the same time, it’s distressing to know that truly any and every man is capable of ghosting on you. It doesn’t matter if he’s in his 50s. Gizelle says that she’s “pulling for her relationship.” You shouldn’t have to be pulling for your relationship a year in. Oh, Gizelle. Dear, sweet Gizelle. This is a bad, bad sign. Happy birthday?
The main drama of the relationship is that Gizelle and Robyn are planning events on the same day. Well, to say Gizelle is planning an event is a bit much even if she is taking her award-presenting duty very seriously. Gizelle has been invited to present an award at a gala and Robyn is organizing a potential multi-level marketing scheme. The ladies are going to be asked to declare their intention to attend one event or the other. There is no other choice. There is no rearranging your schedule to make both or refusing to pick a side. EVERYONE MUST CHOOSE. Monique isn’t inviting Robyn, obviously. Robyn tries to come up with an example of a rich woman who is above everyone to describe Monique and she picks Mary Poppins.
Candiace is at home bringing her mom a plate of snacks: Triscuits, pineapple, grapefruit. I finally realized what bothers me the most about Candiace and her mom. It isn’t their weird relationship in which all of their finances are intertwined. No. It’s that both of them are doing impressions of fancy people. They are both trying really hard to come off cultured and fancy. The image of Candiace holding a Triscuit like it’s a watercress sandwich at high tea and covering her mouth when she laughs is PREPOSTEROUS. They both are obviously interesting and educated but MY GOD are they trying hard. Anyway. Candiace is asking her mom to let her run … the storefront for Candiace’s hair business … question mark? Candiace’s mom explains how difficult working at a store will be, and Candiace says that her mom needs to see her as an adult. Candiace is 31 and about to get married. I hope her mother sees her as an adult.
It’s time for Ashley to go see her weird-ass mean husband and sign a prenup on camera to prove her fidelity. He’s on a hoverboard and I hate everything about this. Ashley puts on her big-girl clothes and sits down with him. She tries to negotiate some things in the contract and Michael refuses to do it on camera. Michael also says that every man questions whether his wife is marrying him for the right reasons. I hate to say this, but: Not all men, Michael. If you’re marrying someone who is your equal in multiple ways, you probably don’t question their intentions. Ashley says that she’s in it to win it and signs the prenup.
Later, everyone (except Candiace) heads to a pool party for Gizelle’s birthday. I’ve been trying to decide what I want to do for my birthday and Gizelle’s pool party looked pretty fun. She did buy her own cake and her own boyfriend didn’t show up, but she seemed happy. Right? Ashley keeps bringing Sherman up. Girl. Stop it. Robyn and Monique spend the entire party glaring at each other and making faces. Then the dueling events come up and everyone is forced to balance their friendships with Robyn and Monique as well as when they were invited. Robyn feels like by choosing Monique’s event, Charisse is testing their 14-year friendship. What is Charisse bringing to the table? What can she contribute to a businesswoman’s seminar? Let her go wear a fancy dress with Monique.
Karen has brunch with Candiace and Robyn the next day and Robyn corners Karen to make a decision about which event she’s attending. Karen launches in a sob story about her phone screen being so cracked and damaged that she can’t read her texts and just sends replies out without knowing what they’re saying. She also dictates everything to Siri. They show a clip of Karen talking to Siri as if Siri is a real person living inside her phone who doesn’t get context clues. Siri ain’t real, Karen. Siri doesn’t know what context is. Robyn feels betrayed by Karen and walks away defeated. Her event isn’t the draw she thought it might be.
After a brief bowling interlude with Monique and Ashley and their husbands where they talk about how sad their relationships are, Gizelle shows up to Robyn’s house to talk about how sad her relationship is.
Gizelle and Sherman have broken up.
Juan just CAN’T BELIEVE that Gizelle couldn’t work it out with Sherman, a 51-year-old man who refused to call or text when he was feeling weird. I looked up how old Sherman is. You can’t do that shit at 51, sir. Juan tries to give Gizelle some useless advice like “Well, maybe he was scared.” Scared of what, Juan? Sherman is 51. He should be excited that someone wants to spend her life with him, and if he’s not feeling it, he should have developed a single social skill to communicate that. Then Juan says Gizelle should be more patient. Are you fucking kidding me?!?! They were together for a year and a half. If your boyfriend of a year and half decides he doesn’t want to talk to you anymore, how long are you supposed to wait? Hmm? Juan? Juan also calls Gizelle an asshole, which is rich for someone like Juan. Gizelle says she’s not mad. She’s just tired and “not unbothered.” She just wants to get what she gives. Sorry, Sherman.