Below Deck Mediterranean
Watching Hannah and Adam fight in the stainless-steel prison of a boat kitchen is like watching Deena fall down on Jersey Shore. It’s the mom jeans of reality-TV scenes. You’re so sick of it and yet you can’t resist it.
This week, Adam and Hannah are in a spat because the freaky animal-mask-wearing primary has wandered into the kitchen to announce that select members of his party are “fading.” Adam is mad at Hannah for this, because as the chief stew it’s her responsibility to create placid conditions that won’t make guests feel compelled to enter Adam’s chambers to complain.
Adam helps carry the plates up with Hannah and Brooke, who must endure being called “Brookey” by the guests. Because he doesn’t trust Hannah to pitch the food to them as anything more special than the No. 4 at Long John Silver’s, he announces that this is local sea bass with green beans and cauliflower cous cous. The primary declares that the crispiness of the fish is “Michelen star, for sure.” It’s like he knew Adam was just at one of those restaurants, studying all the reasons he should find Hannah bad at her job.
Meanwhile, Captain Sandy crashes the romantic dinner Conrad is enjoying with Joao in the crew mess. She helps herself to a plate of broccoli and mashed potatoes and sits next to Joao, Conrad gazing on like Colin watching Brooke throw herself at Joao. Sandy tells Joao that she’d hire him as bosun. Conrad admits that Joao is excellent at kissing Sandy’s ass. As much as I hate Joao, I can still admit that it’s possible that he’s better at doing manual labor around the boat than Conrad, who can’t remember to unroll the slide and has to ask eight questions before putting the anchor down.
Meanwhile, Kasey and Jamie discover that the guests have animal masks lined up on their bed. Like, the kind you’d wear if you were a squad of teen-girl serial killers in a horror movie. They put them on and twerk in the guest bedroom and reason that this must be the only thing that will amuse you once you get rich and stupid enough to rent the Below Deck boat.
After dinner, the guests put the masks on and get in the hot tub, and things get weird and sexual, but the editors gloss over it, which surprises me because I have not known this show to ever deprive us of a “the guests might be having an orgy in the hot tub” moment. The primary puts on a mask and pretends to make out with one of the women who isn’t his wife, also wearing a mask. Then they all take the masks off and we get a B-roll shot of what looks like him suckling his wife in front of all the other ladies. Conrad tells Brooke that he “like[s] Hannerr” and that she’s “beautiful and lovely.” Hannerr can be seen flopping around her bunk like a beached fish.
The next morning, Adam does a stretch on the deck before making the guests cinnamon rolls. Colin tells Brooke that if he could arrange the alphabet he’d put “U” and “I” together, which is sweet but also sad because you know he probably spent all night Googling that on the boat’s shared iPad.
Today the crew is taking the guests up the mountain in Capri, so Adam has to pack them a fancy lunch. He makes sandwiches and puts cherry tomatoes in the toothpicks holding them together. So, if you ever wondered about the difference between the sandwiches you eat for lunch and the ones weirdos who rent enormous motorized yachts get to eat, there you go. Adam prepares the food for the time Hannah has requested but then learns that it’s going to be sitting around for a while before it rides the chairlift up the mountain. Hannah doesn’t care and tells Adam to just put everything in the fridge. This annoys Adam — understandably — because you don’t put toasted bread or sandwiches in the fridge! Otherwise you may as well be the Cibo Express at the airport.
At some point between Adam ruining his sandwiches and the guests eating them, Brooke and Hannah are gossiping and Hannah admits that what she uses for her centerpieces is all “tacky shit.” Boy, did my heart sing when I heard her say that, but not enough for me to not feel as annoyed by her as I have all season.
The guests end up being so blown away by the view at the top of the mountain that they don’t seem to notice that their sandwiches have gotten soggy. The primary’s partner wears purple sunglasses and a blue tie-dyed dress and says, “This is the most mind-blowing thing I’ve ever experienced. I can’t stop crying!” Hannerr packed the desiccated starfish to decorate the napkins with. She has enough time before shepherding the guests back to the boat to brag about her selfie-taking skills, take a poorly lit selfie with Conrad, and make out with him.
Back at the boat, Adam is determined to make a fancy dinner since he had to serve the guests damp sandwiches for lunch. The waves pick up around Capri, sending two of the guests and Kasey to the bathroom to barf. Hannah checks in on Kasey, who says she puked but then went to turn down the beds.
At the dinner table, Hannah asks the seasick guest what she would like to eat instead of Adam’s lobster risotto, seeing as she’s been barfing. The guest says she wants chicken soup and Hannah says okay, which pisses off Adam because you can’t just make chicken soup from scratch in five minutes and it doesn’t cure sea sickness anyway. (Side note: Even though I think Adam is not wrong about a lot of his complaints about Hannah, I have not forgotten how creepy and horrid he was regarding Malia last season.)
Sandy decides to move the boat so it doesn’t tip over in the night and everyone can stop barfing. She asks Conrad to bring her dinner while she’s driving, and he stops to complain to Hannerr about his chores. Sandy sees them canoodling, which only pisses her off further. Conrad says he doesn’t want his crew to have to put the slide out at 7 a.m. and then away at 10:30. In reality, he’s just too lazy to take the slide out and put it away when his entire job is taking the slide out and putting it away.
The next morning, Bravo makes it look like the guests spend hours and hours using the slide. Conrad asks Sandy a long-winded question about fenders, and she gets annoyed with him because this is something he should know the answer to. When she docks the boat, she more or less tells Conrad he can’t tell a straight boat from his own asshole.
After the guests depart, Conrad asks her why their vibe is off. Sandy tells him she’s annoyed that he’s always canoodling with Hannerr. Conrad goes and tells Hannerr this and her reaction is that of an infant: If the captain doesn’t want the bosun and chief stew talking then we won’t talk! She can see how she likes that!
Over to Jamie, who I like more and more each episode, for the tea: “Since his relationship with Hannah has started, Conrad’s mind has evacuated the premises.”
That night, they throw a 30th birthday party for Hannah on the dock, consisting of Joao’s friends, Mylar balloons, and grilled meat, because Adam doesn’t know “what Hannah likes other than wine and cigarettes.” They give Hannah pink Crocs as a gift, and instead of jovially putting them on and wearing them for the night like a normal drunk birthday girl, she throws them into the sea, which will probably kill 18 sea turtles but whatever! Hannah has fashion sense to assert! Which is why she’s wearing Barbie hair and a tiara and a tank top she must announce is “Yves Saint Laurent.” Which means she got it at Century 21 or TJ Maxx because “Saint Laurent” hasn’t been “Yves Saint Laurent” for six years. Finally, Joao makes out with Brooke, leaving Colin and the rest of us to go barfing into the night.