The Real Housewives of Potomac
Here’s what I absolutely love about the ladies from Potomac. They insist on having a good time. It is mandatory. Even if they’re at each other’s throats, there’s nothing a glass of wine and a scenic vista can’t fix. The number of fights that start this episode and how quickly they are quashed is astounding. I think the only beef still outstanding at the end of the episode belongs to Karen and Ashley. Considering Karen and Ray’s financial shadiness, I think that invoice is going to remain unpaid. Let’s get to it.
The episode starts with Gizelle and Monique finishing up their fight from last week and Monique is so concerned with appearing like a goodly Christian woman that she throws any and all blame for inviting Kyndall onto Charisse. Gizelle also says that she wakes up every morning and knows that she is the baddest bitch to ever walk the Earth, so she isn’t concerned with Kyndall. Y’know, I believe Gizelle. Well, half of her statement. I believe that she wakes up every morning and thinks that she’s the baddest chick on this planet but I don’t believe that she doesn’t care about Kyndall. If she didn’t care, WHY ARE YOU STILL FIGHTING ABOUT THIS?
Monique and Gizelle agree to peacefully coexist and Monique says, “Mission accomplished.” Gizelle says that’s the title of a Tom Cruise movie. That’s a mom move if I ever heard one.
The big adventure for the day is heading to a winery and then heading to Eze. The trip is mandatory. The fun is compulsory. While Monique is getting ready, she calls Chris and asks him if he’s been putting the essential oils on her kids. She’s still anxious about her big fight with Chris but some lavender essential oils come first! All the ladies pile into a van to head out for the winery.
No one is talking in the van. The only way to avoid drama is to avoid talking. They pull up to the chateau and the most delightful li’l Frenchman shows up and the only downside of this Real Housewives franchise is that none of the women are aggressively single. I would have loved a few scenes of one of the women trying to get that delightful li’l Frenchman to come back to the Martinez. The actual wine-tasting looks fun but there are several fights brewing underneath the surface. Gizelle just wants to get to the bottom of the drama with Charisse. Karen and Ashley hate each other. Candaice just wants to express herself. Pop open that barrel because we’re about to dig in.
They all head out into the garden for meat and French cheese and Karen decides to serve the li’l Frenchman because the key to her 21-year marriage is that she serves her man. That is bleak. Gizelle mentions that for such a strong marriage, Karen isn’t wearing her ring. Karen says not wearing her ring is a preference. No one has that preference, Karen. The rest of the ladies split off to have their designated fights.
Monique, someone who will do anything to avoid having a bad reputation on television, takes Charisse to harvest a fig and let her know that she threw her under the bus with Gizelle. That’s not a fig and that’s a shitty plan, Gizelle. Charisse will have no part of this narrative. Charisse says that she may have presented Monique with the idea of being a completely petty bitch but Monique ran with it. Monique thinks this is all because Charisse and Gizelle are back on good terms but maybe, Monique, just maybe — you just wanted to be petty and now you’re paying for it.
Up on a balcony, Candaice decides that this is the best time to bring up how her emotional needs aren’t being met by the group. Robyn and Ashley are ready to have this conversation but after a few seconds, they pause the conversation to take a photo. I’m with Ashley and Robyn, you can’t beat that golden-hour lighting. Karen steps in to be a guiding light for the conversation. Gizelle walks up and calls Candaice a princess and everything goes to hell.
Much like Candaice, I’m a person who struggles to have difficult conversations without crying, but when you’re complaining that everyone thinks you’re a princess when you’re really just a regular person who has worked in the Obama campaign and who has won several pageant titles. In her effort to ask everyone for kindness, Candaice says that maybe Gizelle could better see who she is if she took her head out of her ass. There are more sides to Candaice.
On the van ride home, the girls are laughing about Monique opening a winery when Ashley drops one too many subtle digs at Karen’s life and Karen unleashes on Ashley. The flaw in Karen’s plan is that her insults always involve taking whatever insult someone used against her and just replacing their name or her insult opens her up to a whole new line of insults. She doesn’t have enough insult foresight.
Oh, Ashley uses her husband’s money? So do you, Karen. Ashley’s husband is old? So is yours, Karen. Ashley’s husband doesn’t want to spend time with her? You live in a literal fake empty house, Karen. Candaice, another woman who completely lacks self-awareness, decides to take this time to defend Karen for some reason. She complains that everyone is so mean to her and so mean to Karen. She tells Ashley to suck a dick. Candaice calls Chris when they get back to the hotel and he tells her that she might be right but telling everyone to suck a dick isn’t the way to go about it.
The next day, they head out on a yacht. Everyone has their bathing suit and fanciest caftan. Karen tells some bizarre story about shoving her wedding ring in her hoo-ha (she thinks that means breasts) when she was being mugged as the reason she didn’t wear her ring on the trip. Meanwhile, Candaice, Ashley, and Monique try to get to the bottom of the whole Candaice-in-her-feelings thing. They don’t get to the bottom of it.
They dock the boat in Eze to explore a tiny herb stand. Does Monique think the only worthwhile contribution to the world France has made is … essential oils and herbs? After Monique buys an irresponsible amount of herbs, they all take a trek up the hillside to overlook Eze. No one fights because they are so tired.
Once they’re back at the hotel, it’s time for Monique’s birthday party! Karen has arranged the whole thing. It’s burlesque-themed but everyone is dressed like a flapper except Ashley. She’s dressed as a background dancer from Moulin Rouge. At the party, everyone takes some time to apologize for their fights earlier and resolves to treat each other better.
Is this a Housewives franchise?
The night ends with Ashley and Robyn doing a burlesque routine mocking Robyn and Monique’s umbrella fight and everyone laughs, and no one is offended. Candaice sings “Joyeux Anniversaire” to Monique and everyone just lets it happen. They are maturing.