I’ve bemoaned to you all that I don’t really know what Becca’s personality is. As far as we know, she’s a Westworld-style host created by the Minnesota Board of Tourism to embody all the traits of Minnesota and recite fun facts about cities around the country and the world. Has anyone ever asked to her to name the sister cities of Minneapolis? Her eyes would glaze over and she would repeat “Najaf, Iran” until the user input a different command. But there is one personality trait of Becca’s that we got to see this episode and I believe it is her chief personality trait: horny.
This bitch is HORNY. She spends the entire week with her legs wrapped around the contesticles with her entire tongue in their entire mouth. She begins every single date by describing all the guy’s bodies. She literally calls Colton “a hunk.” That is some Horny Party Aunt language. At one point, Blake just breathes directly into her mouth and Becca gets a sexy chill down her spine. Is it possible that she’s been wearing all these sequin dresses to mix a little pain with the pleasure when theses dudes push her up against a wall to make out? Horny Becca is the most relatable Becca. This is the Becca I’ve wanted all season. I even thought we might get a repeat of Kaitlyn taking Nick back to her room because if I know one thing, it’s that the Bahamas is as sensual and romantic as Dublin in February. But there are a few things we have to talk about before Becca and Garrett make out in a tire swing until their legs are numb. Let’s get to it!
It’s week seven and there are only six guys left. Two are going home at the end of this week so the stakes are high. There won’t be a rose ceremony. There won’t be a cocktail party. There will only be dates. As much as I struggle with about half of the dudes this season, I was sitting here like “Who is she going to send home?” This wasn’t Rachel taking Eric, Adam, and Matt (WHO?) on a three-on-one. Every guy left has been on a one-on-one.
The first date of the week goes to Colton. Becca shows up to the guys’ hotel room to drain them of their sexual energy and pick Colton up. It drives all the men into an insecure frenzy. Especially dear, sweet, big-eared Blake. He’s on his way to a fucking meltdown. Becca and Colton have a pretty typical “tropical” date. They ride around on a boat and unironically do the “I’m the King of the World” thing. They eat an unfamiliar mollusk from the sea. The Bachelorette crew hires a local to make weird sexual innuendos. The biggest revelation is that Colton is a virgin.
When Colton reveals that he’s a virgin, the camera cuts to Becca making the most serious listening face she can manage. But … but … she’s horny. She wants to use Colton’s chin as a shelter in the rain. And I’m going to say something VERY controversial.
Colton being a virgin is fine. Virginity is a meaningless concept that we should pretty much abolish. BUT his story that he was too busy being an athlete that he just forgot to bang is … odd? Am I the only one? IF I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO THINKS THAT, THAT’S FINE. If his virginity was religious, I would more easily wrap my head around that and Becca is clearly a religious person so I’m sure she would be fine with it. But “I was so busy I just never made time to bang?” What is that? One time I went to see Tyler Perry give a talk (don’t ask) and someone in the audience asked why he didn’t have a family and he said that he would be too guilty to have children because he would be away from them for too long with his work and I was like, Who says that? That’s not a real answer that a man gives. Again, be a virgin. Do whatever. Then he says that he made up stories of banging to fit in the locker room. I do not understand men or male culture. Colton says that he’s not waiting for marriage but he’s waiting for the right person and Becca’s eyes light up. She gives him the rose.
Up next is Garrett. Ugh. They have another typical tropical locale date. They head out on a sea plane and make out on a beach. They are really trying to make us “like” Garrett. Also, did we know he was married? He mentioned it this week and it felt like a total surprise to me. Have I just tuned him out when he speaks? Becca says that she hasn’t seen him down and discouraged and she would be horny for it. He talks about his ex-wife would scream at him constantly and Garrett just learned to put on a brave face. Garrett knows that he’s falling for Becca and that he’s thinking of her as his potential wife. He gets the rose.
The last one-on-one date of the week is Blake. He’s still freaking out and is the only one-on-one date that they show packing a bag and he puts a slice of a log into his bag. The first part of their date is to go see the Bahamas’ premier entertainers, the Baha Men. Becca says that the Baha Men are going to perform their new song. What year is it? I also had to do some math to figure out how old Blake was when “Who Let the Dogs Out” came out. He was 7. Becca and Blake dance on the beach and he spins her way too many times. That’s like the one thing white guys have on the dance floor. Lots of spins and dips. They sit on the beach and Blake takes about how anxious he is and Becca says she relates to Arie. Then I threw up in my mouth a little bit. On the evening portion of their date, Becca asks Blake to talk about his family life.
Apparently, several characters on the show Rise are based on Blake. Blake spills that his mom fell in love with another man … who was also his football coach/English teacher. This is some Friday Night Lights shit. Blake grew up in a small town and the whole town knew his mother’s business before he did. He was told by an acquaintance that his mom was moving into an apartment. Blake looks like he’s going to curl up on himself out of embarrassment. He manages to unfurl his body long enough to tell Becca that he’s not just falling in love with her. He’s in love with her.
WHO HAD BLAKE IN THE “I LOVE YOU” POOL?
He gets the rose and Becca says in her interview that she’s in love with him too.
It’s finally time for the three-on-one date. Leo, Wills, and Jason head off in a boat to a private beach to meet Becca. Wills is wearing the most amazing floral tank and Leo had an amazing man-bun earlier and Jason’s hair is slicked back so intensely he’s got a duck butt on the back of his head. How can Becca choose? They play a little beach volleyball and they sit down with Becca one by one to plead their case. When it’s time for Becca to sit down with Leo, he says in his in-the-moment interview that a lot of these other guys can offer Becca an easy life and a big house. He can only offer her love. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Becca sends him home.
She heads to the evening portion of the date and Becca arrives with a cape coat even though they’re literally in the Bahamas. Becca says that she shares such a strong foundation with Wills and they were raised in similar households. First of all, sure you were, Becca. Secondly, Wills says his parents have been married for 50 years. How old is Wills? How old are his parents? When it comes to Jason, Becca tells him that she hasn’t seen him open up as much about his feelings. He says that he was hurt in his last relationship so his walls are up but he feels really strongly about her. I guess that’s enough.
Wills sits down with Becca and he tells her that she makes him believe in love again and in a future and happiness and kindness. He says that he’s falling in love with her more and more every day. Wills gets sent home.
MY HEART HAS SHATTERED INTO THE THOUSAND TINY PETALS ON WILLS’S SHIRT.
On his drive out of the resort, he asks the driver to pull over so he can get out and cry. Wills is too pure for this world.
Jason gets the rose and he tells Becca he can’t wait to take her to Freakin’ Buffalo!
Hometowns next week!