For some reason, last week I totally blanked on the new taglines for this season and, well, there are two of them that we need to talk about. First is Kelly Dodd’s. “Someone call animal control, because there’s a cougar loose in the OC.” That’s actually kind of cute, but there is something totally weird about how she says “in the OC” at the end. First of all the phrase seems totally tacked on and extraneous to what she is trying to say. There is just a cougar loose in general; we don’t need to be told exactly where.
But the tone of that phrase is strange and garbled, like Kelly was trying to stifle a sneeze when she said it. It almost sounds like she started talking when her mouth was full of water, which is physically impossible but also something that Kelly Dodd has totally experienced before. Maybe it was recorded later? I don’t know. Anyway, I don’t like it.
Even worse is Shannon Beador’s tagline: “Some people say I’m too much to handle. I say I’m just getting started.” Syntactically this makes no sense at all. The construction she is using is about reinterpreting someone’s opinion. For example, “Some people say I’m lazy. I just say I’m comfortable.” The second adjective reframes and subverts the first one. Shannon is not doing that because “too much to handle” is by no means related to “just getting started.” Does she mean that people think she’s too much to handle and she admits that she is because she’s just getting started and hasn’t figured it out yet? No, that can’t be true. Is it supposed to be a warning? “If you thought I was too much to handle before, just wait because I’m just getting started.” This is complete nonsense and it is just more evidence that these women write their own damn taglines.
This week we were also introduced to another new Housewife. This one is Gina and she looks like Anna Faris’s wax figure at Madame Tussaud’s. Now, I can’t pass judgment on Gina yet because of our beloved and ironclad EDA, but I would like to point out a few things. First of all her children are insane and I would like to babysit them because I bet they are a hell of a lot of fun and one of them would definitely leave bodily fluids on the floor and I hope that is the point where Gina comes home so I wouldn’t have to clean them up.
The second thing I would like to point out is that there is something weird going on with her husband Matt. I don’t think it’s too odd that he lives in L.A. during the week and is only home on the weekend with her. What concerns me is that we have yet to catch a glimpse of him. When he calls her he is on the regular phone, not the normal Housewives speakerphone or a FaceTime. Also, in the two wedding photos they showed of his and Gina’s wedding, his face is conspicuously missing from both of them. It’s like Gina was like, “Oh, you can barely see me in these but you definitely cannot see Matt so these are the ones to use.” Is he a money launderer for the mob? Is he an undercover cop? Is he in witness protection? Is he just a very, very private person? None of these things are going to mesh well with his wife being on a reality television program.
Now that we have discussed the new Housewife, we have to discuss the original Housewife, the Crypt Keeper of all Housewives, Victoria Denise Gunvalson Jr. This episode, she really wants to make up with Eddie after spending the better part of two seasons spreading a rumor that he is gay. (Cue a recording of LeeAnne Locken saying, “Her husband gets his dicks sucked at the Round Up. I know the boys that did it.”) Her first charm offensive is to send food to Tamra’s house after Eddie’s surgery.
Who was the delivery guy at the door who says, “Vicki sent you food.” Like is this a friend of theirs? Is this a PA? Was it an employee of Coto Insurance that didn’t make his quota that month? Why is the guy referring to Vicki by name? Why does he know so much about this delivery? It also pains me that Vicki has so little self-awareness and sense of humor about herself that she didn’t send a casserole. That’s like Steve Urkel showing up to your birthday party and not giving you even one, “Did I do that?”
Later she decides that she’s going to barge in on lunch between Tamra and Eddie, which does not seem like a good idea. I mean this medically. Eddie has a heart condition; should Vicki really be around anyone whose blood pressure should not be brought to a boil? The answer is no.
Vicki shows up wearing a garment that defies description. It’s like a half caftan made out of peacock feathers or something. It looks like fur but it also has an iridescence like one of those fiber optic flowers that you would buy at a mall kiosk. Not only is the material mysterious but so are the fit and proportions. It’s like a fur vest, but it also somehow has sleeves? Maybe it’s a costume for the world’s tiniest mariachi but it’s somehow also big enough to fit a real live human woman. This thing needs at least a Jane Goodall study, or maybe David Attenborough narrating Vicki wearing it into a restaurant.
She takes this hyena pelt off long enough to apologize to Eddie and it is the most like a straightforward apology that Vicki has ever given. There is no, “But you hurt me too.” There is no equivocating. She just says that she is wrong and she begs for his forgiveness. This being Vicki, she has to do something to make it awkward. She takes out a piece of paper with Bible verses on it and reads them to Tamra and Eddie, and it’s about how what she did was wrong. It is the most smarmy, pandering, disgusting thing that I have ever seen and it made me want to get in the crash position and then chew on my taint for the better part of an hour. Vicki should have known that all of this was wrong without the Bible telling her it was wrong. If she was a good person and a real human being she would know how to treat other people without offending them all.
But this is Vicki we are talking about and she is not a good person who knows how to act. Take what happens when she goes to visit Kelly at her new house. Kelly welcomes her and then asks Vicki if Vicki set Kelly’s ex-husband Michael up with a woman. Vicki has a defense at the ready, like she knew this was coming. “Michael was at a barbecue at my house and met a friend of mine and they got together separately.” Yes, Vicki is correct, she did not set Michael up on a date with someone else. For Vicki, who thinks she should be excused on a technicality, that should be enough.
Vicki says that she shouldn’t have to pick sides in Kelly and Michael’s divorce, but we all know that is not true. She should at least distance herself from Michael for a little bit. If Kelly is her friend (and co-worker) then Michael shouldn’t be popping by for barbecues. Then we find out that Vicki and Steve have been out for dinner more than once with Michael and this other woman, and Vicki didn’t tell Kelly.
Kelly doesn’t seem upset that Michael is dating someone; she is upset with Vicki that Vicki never told her. Kelly Dodd is extremely right about this. Vicki even had a window into telling her last episode when Kelly said, “I wish Michael would find a girlfriend.” Vicki very easily could have said, “Actually he met someone at my house and they’re dating.” But she didn’t because she’s Vicki and she can’t do even the most basic of decent things.
Kelly seems upset because she had to find out from someone else and then confront Vicki about it. Vicki thinks that Kelly’s mad because she set Michael up and that Michael is now dating someone. No. That is not it at all. You would think that your friend would be like, “Hey, here’s a heads up because I don’t want to hear it from someone else. Michael met some girl at my house.” Vicki is so busy trying to make sure that her nose stays clean that she can’t even do a friend a solid.
To make it even worse, Vicki then tells Kelly that she “is making problems where there doesn’t have to be any problems.” Oh, bullshit. Vicki is the one who could have kept this from being a problem but didn’t. Then she totally is telling her friend that her anger is invalid right there in her own house. Thank God Kelly kicked her out. I think I would kick her out of the entire show. But then what would we talk about? Probably someone’s money-laundering husband.