Have you ever come home from a night of partying and not drinking water and opened your fridge to see what you had to eat? You are standing there while your concealer is creasing and your eyeliner smudges on your face with your entire head inside the refrigerator. You see your two snacks: fruit salad and a coconut water and an entire cheesecake. You think to yourself: “I’m already fucked-up. I’ve already made a series of bad decisions and fully acknowledge how much of a trash person I am. I might as well eat this entire cheesecake and go to bed in my makeup because nothing matters. Everything is garbage.” Have you ever done that?
That’s what watching Bachelor in Paradise felt like tonight. Eating an entire cheesecake while standing up in the kitchen at 2 a.m.
After the disappointment of Becca picking Garrett (Uggggggggh), I hoped that Bachelor in Paradise would be a bit of silliness, but NO! It’s the Tia and Colton Show. It’s all just a rehash of the least interesting and most convoluted drama from Becca’s season.
Why are we focusing on Tia and Colton when Kenny and Eric are right there? There’re a lot of people to meet so let’s get into it.
Host Chris introduces us to a montage of all the Bachelor in Paradise success stories. There are officially more Bachelor in Paradise success stories than The Bachelor success stories. That’s like the guy who was nicknamed “Dirty Dick” in college getting married before you to the heir to the TiVo fortune. It’s time for the opening credits.
There’s a real missed opportunity when David doesn’t fall off anything but Nysha is listening to her own heartbeat.
(… Who is Nysha?)
Other intros that are equally delightful and confusing: Astrid holding melons over her boobs and Wills fishing while on a colorful pool float. Venmo John is there and he’s counting cash for some reason. Host Chris is raking the sand waiting for all the contesticles and ladytestants to arrive. It’s the most dramatic season ever! Chris. Do we remember last season? Do we remember we had to take some time off? That we all had to go home and think about what we did? Do we really want to promise a season more dramatic than that?
So who is going to be in Paradise?
First up is Kendall. She wants to show everyone there’s more to her than just taxidermy and ukulele. She was heartbroken by Arie and she’s ready for love again. Then there’s Kenny King! He’s with his daughter and he’s ready to bring the right woman into his life. Why isn’t Kenny the Bachelor yet? I’m ready. You’re ready. Put the Bachelor belt on him. Kevin is there and he’s insinuating that Ashley hooked up with Jared while they were still together. They keep teasing Ashley and Jared’s proposal. I wonder how Kevin is going to feel about that. Krystal is back and she’s speaking in her natural register! Both Krystal and Chris have learned from the post-show criticism and they’re there to rewrite their narratives.
David does his intro package and he’s living at home with his mom who waits on him hand and foot. He says “Unfortunately, I can’t marry my mom.” He doesn’t say it like a 6-year-old who gives that answer at dinner parties when asked by relatives because his mom is the only girl he knows. He says it like someone who looked up if he could marry his mother … recently. He says it like someone who thinks it’s an annoying technicality that he can’t marry his mom. Beware of David.
Jordan wears a series of ridiculous outfits in his intro package and says that he’s looking for a girl to drink white wine with and watch a chick flick. Is this the male version of “I’m not like regular girls. I drink beer and eat chicken wings”?
Anneliese lists everything she’s afraid of and Bibiana says she wants them to blur her butt out. Wills has the most delightful video package, in which he models some short-sleeve shirts with intense patterns.
Tia gets her intro package where she just repeats Colton’s name 60 times as if to invoke him in a summoning ceremony. Tia is the first to arrive in Paradise and Eric follows behind. Eric is deep into miracle season and he can’t stop doing shoulder shimmies. Bibiana arrives and she’s feeling way too sexually frustrated. She says the bumpy road to the resort is the most attention her uterus has received in months. Does she knows where … where … the sex happens?
Jordan says that where he’s from is famous for kayaking, manatees, and Jordan.
Then Grocery Store Joe shows up. I’m mostly tickled by Grocery Store Joe because he might be a Portillo’s Italian Beef come to life, but are we supposed to think he’s cute and interesting? Damn, the bar is so low for white men. You just have to have all your teeth and a fun accent. The ladies immediately fall over themselves to impress him. He immediately bonds with Kendall over the best place to have a picnic. Kendall says the best place is a cemetery. Good luck getting rid of your “quirky girl” persona with statements like that.
Tia is sitting there biting her nails waiting for Colton to arrive and he never does. She might be forced to start a new relationship instead of rehashing what we’ve seen all last season.
The ladies get to hand out the roses this week and Tia gets the first date card to make her want to walk into the ocean with rocks in her cutoffs. She has to pick someone to go on a date with and none of the boys are Colton! So she says “fuck it” and picks Chris. They go to dinner and watch some fireworks and talk about Colton and make out.
While Tia is on her date, Joe and Kendall share a kiss and Nick cannot get Chelsea to kiss him. The first time he opened his mouth I was startled because I realized I don’t remember hearing him speak on Becca’s season.
The next morning, Tia and Chris are smooching by the pool. All is well in Parad— OH SHIT. IT’S COLTON. WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
And he’s got a date card. He starts pulling the ladytestants aside to hear what’s going on in the house and Tia stands poised looking out over the water while a single tear rolls down her face. Oh! Her fair Colton comes to fetch her and tells her that he wishes to take her out on a date. Tia immediately abandons any moral stand she was willing to take and heads out on a yacht with Colton.
On their date, they basically agree to exist around each other and remind each other why they have crushes on each other. Colton says that he’s there to figure his shit out and that includes Tia. How…romantic? They smooch on a Jet Ski. Tia says she’s been waiting for this moment for six months. This is going to end terribly.
What else is going to end terribly? Whatever plan “The Goose Gang” is coming up with. The Goose Gang appears to be Jordan, Chris, and David and they are going to confront Colton for his manipulative ways for not approaching Tia the second he arrived in Paradise. Tia and Colton come back from their date and The Goose Gang are ready to fly.
TO BE CONTINUED …
