Bachelor in Paradise
If you asked me the age of anyone on this season of Bachelor in Paradise and I’d answer: 26.
I don’t care how old anyone actually is. These people are 26 years old. And I know you’re sitting there saying “Ali, you aren’t that old yourself. How can you look down on these contestants on the beach? Weren’t you just 26 a few years ago?” That’s how I know that they’re all acting tuh-win-tee-seex.
Twenty-six is the year you realize that you should be doing better, that you should start making smarter and healthier choices but completely lack the skills and emotional fortitude to actually do anything about it. You probably pay for a gym membership you can’t afford, and you keep forgetting to cancel. You buy some really expensive résumé paper for literally no reason and you keep telling your parents that this year you’re going to take the LSAT, but you called in sick at your job because you’re hungover. Your dating profile says that you’re looking for “a relationship” but you’re breaking up with dudes for being “too predictable” and getting back together with your ex who insists he can make a living yarn-bombing stop signs. How, Trent?! Who will pay you for that?!
All these bitches are 26.
Before we can get into all the scandal from this episode, we have to wrap up Tia and Chris’s drama from last week. In case you’re like me and your brain deletes the previous week’s episode as a self-preservation technique, Chris kissed Krystal on a daybed and bragged about it to anyone that would listen. Tia confronts him after Colton fills her in and Chris acts like an unbelievable asshole.
Fuck this guy. Holy Christ. He’s a monster.
The next time some idiot troll on Twitter insists that gaslighting isn’t real (which is basically gaslighting), just show them this clip. Chris insists that he’s been upfront with Tia and his kissing Krystal doesn’t negate anything that he said last night. Just a reminder: He said things like “I’ll choose you” and “I won’t go on a date with anyone else.” Tia can barely form words. Her mistake is trying to convince Chris that he did something wrong. Someone who walks around unironically calling themselves “the Goose” and wearing a Karate Kid headband cannot be shamed. Then Krystal comes over and has a crisis for approximately one hour when Chris doesn’t immediately jump on her after gaslighting Tia.
Krystal says that she was feeling giddy and excited about Chris but now it’s tarnished. I swear to God, if this season ends with Chris getting down on one knee with Krystal and says he’s looking for the goose to his gander, I’m going to LOSE MY SHIT.
The next morning, Chris still can’t fathom that a human woman would attempt to correct his shitty behavior and asks Jordan, “How am I in the wrong here?” I want to put him in a cannon and fire him into the ocean. Before Tia can gather her very scattered thoughts, Jacqueline comes in and she’s got a date card! She’s only got eyes for Colton. Bibiana knows she’s screwed and this is all going to end with a mess. Jacqueline takes Colton aside at the exact moment that Tia wants to talk to Colton. This causes Tia to enter an emotional spiral that’s untenable for what appears to be 10:30 in the morning. Colton turns Jacqueline down for a date.
Jacqueline takes Kenny on the date and they are adorable together. They talk about their heritages and Kenny talks about traveling to Guyana to see where his family comes from. There have been more thoughtful and interesting conversations on Bachelor in Paradise dates this season. One thing that’s mildly annoying is people keep saying Kenny is “actually interesting” or “actually very intelligent.” Why wouldn’t he be? Kenny and Jacqueline make out and Kenny carries her back to the resort. Literally.
While Kenny and Jacqueline were on their date, Colton and Tia sit down to talk about why he didn’t go on a date with Jacqueline but he’s still not ready to commit to Tia. Is anyone else EXHAUSTED? I already lived through my mid-20s. I’m in my late-20s now! I don’t have time for this bullshit. I also can’t stand Colton’s excuse that he doesn’t want to hurt Tia. That’s not a real excuse for why a man won’t date her.
“I don’t want to hurt you” seems like code for “you seem way more into this relationship than I am.”
When Kenny gets back, Anneliese has a surprise for him. Two tiny bowls of melted ice cream. Romantic. Anneliese tells him that it takes a while for her to present a sexual energy but she doesn’t want to close a door. Kenny kisses her. His second kiss of the episode.
The next morning, the ladies are all scoping out their options. The guys still have the roses because WE HAVEN’T GOTTEN TO THE ROSE CEREMONY YET. Krystal and Chris have mended their relationship because Krystal loves her Roth IRA (she actually says IRA Roth) and Tia is trying to get Bibiana to talk to Colton for her. This is unbearable.
Colton takes Tia aside again to talk about their “relationship.” This is a whole lot of drama for two dates six months ago. Colton lets her know that he doesn’t want to hurt her and says he can’t date anyone else. Tia can’t believe what she’s hearing and asks him if he’s choosing her. Whoa whoa whoa slow down Tia …
Tia lets out a blood-curdling scream that triggered a reaction somewhere in Colton’s primordial brain that let him know he was making a mistake.
And I’m gonna call it now — Tia thinks that this is Colton confessing his love for her when he’s just tired of dating around.
It’s FINALLY time for the rose ceremony.
Kenny is kissing EVERYONE. He’s smooching SO MANY BITCHES. SO MANY KISSES. He needs to choose between Jacqueline, Caroline, and Anneliese. (That’s my list in order of preference. He jokes about Edgar Allan Poe with Jacqueline. That’s cute as hell.)
Jordan is so into Jenna that the idea that David is giving her a belated birthday present when David is with Chelsea drives him into a floral-printed rage. He steals the giant stuffed puppy that David gave Jenna and throws it in the ocean without saying anything. He then tells Chelsea and Jubilee to shut the fuck up and everyone takes it as a crime against women. Okay. Everyone relax. He told some other adults to shut the fuck up. Eric is the healing spirit and brings Jordan to a place of reconciliation with the ladies.
Also, Venmo John is ripped.
Time for the rose ceremony.
David gives his rose to Chelsea (so why even mess with Jenna?), Kevin gives his rose to Astrid, Chris gives his rose to Krystal. They’re gonna end up together, aren’t they? Venmo John gives his rose to Jubilee, Joe gives his to Kendall. Colton gives his rose to Tia and they free our souls from this nightmare. Eric gives his rose to Angela. Kenny has the final rose and he gives it to Anneliese.
Jacqueline and Bibiana both get good-bye packages and Nysha and Caroline leave silently into that sweet Mexican night.