Bachelor in Paradise
“We don’t have any other footage!”
“There has to be SOMETHING ELSE we can air! Did you look through all the back-up cameras?”
“All they caught were crabs crawling around the hot tub! What are we gonna do? This is bad. This is really bad.”
“No, no, we can make this worse. What if we … lean into the skid?”
“What are you saying? You want to add more footage? Are you crazy?”
“Listen, this is bad enough. We have over ten hours of footage of every woman in Paradise gushing about how much of a big, strong, sexy man Leo is. We’ve got him kissing multiple women and snarking about how many people he’s kissing. What if we just add more and say it’s ironic?!”
“That’s not what irony is!”
“Whatever. Do you have any ideas? Our edit is due and we don’t have any other options.”
That’s the only way to explain why there was SO MUCH LEO in the episode after very shady and gross allegations have been made against him. There’s only so much ABC could do, I GUESS. So here we are. Watching a guy who was being investigated by Universal Studios for sexual-harassment allegations kiss his way through Paradise. Can we rewind the clock and it’s Monday again and we’re watching Pretty Boy Kenny King kiss his way through Paradise? He’s at least a Champion. Let’s get into it.
The episode starts, and the girls are upstairs smudging sage on each other. This feels like a completely necessary step. Everyone here should be smudging their pussies every night. This week the girls have the power and they are going to use it. There are going to be new men entering Paradise. Jenna is ready to take a step back from a man who was dressed like a business-casual genie and explore her options. Jordan is ready to not take no for an answer.
Everyone keeps saying that they “understand” why Jordan freaked out even if they don’t like how he reacted.
No. Don’t understand someone having a bizarre jealous freak-out. He threw a dog into the ocean because the girl he liked was talking to someone else. We shouldn’t understand this behavior past the third grade. AND EVEN THEN! It’s unhealthy. Teach your boys some emotional coping skills.
The first guy of the week walks in and it’s Leo. He might be a creepy weirdo but … that hair, tho. He’s got a date card. You can see every woman’s vagina awaken. It also goes to show how a few people have been sitting around with guys who do not turn them on that the mere sight of someone over 6’ 1” makes them lose their goddamn minds. Chelsea literally fans herself with her hand while she talks about Leo. Everyone suddenly turns into a Southern lady on a front porch.
Leo makes his rounds and he ends up choosing Kendall for a date. Grocery Store was getting ready to tell Kendall that he was falling in love with her but fuck his feelings, I guess. This season everyone is asking each other out on a date in front of the person they have gone out with before. Nobody on this season gives a single damn about each other’s feelings. They’re just asking themselves — “Is my vagina dancing?”
Joe tells Kendall that he hopes it rains and that she has a horrible date with Leo. Based on what we know about Leo’s “courtship” style, we’re all hoping for that. Joe tries to kiss her before she leaves on her date and she goes in for a hug. That’s not a good sign, Joe.
Leo and Kendall head out for their date and it’s a cover shoot for a romance novel. Jorge, the former bartender in Paradise, has “written” a romance novel. Later, Kendall says “some guy wrote a romance novel.” She has no idea who Jorge is and I’m sure for her this is even more confusing and off-putting than it was for me, the viewing audience. While Jorge is describing this alleged novel, Arie, Lauren, Amanda, and Ben Higgins act out the story. Arie plays Raul, an honest hard-working ranchero and Ben “Warsaw, Indiana” Higgins plays Bradfordo, a mariachi. Let this montage of past Bachelors and women they are vaguely associated with be an indictment of how white The Bachelor franchise is. Just listening to Arie and Ben struggle their way through one or two basic Spanish words made me write “I HATE THIS. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS” in my notes.
Leo ends up just picking up Kendall in different outfits and they stare deep into each other’s eyes. This is the romance novel cover version of that quiz where you stare into someone’s eyes for three hours and end up falling in love. They come back to Paradise in matching robes and slicked back hair. That is rom-com code for “We just banged and shared blueberry waffles on the veranda.” The second they get back from their date, Kendall sits down with Joe and Leo goes to talk to every other woman in Paradise.
Kendall feels safe about Leo (ruh-roh) and breaks down in her in-the-moment interview because she didn’t realize she could have feelings for two guys. Kendall, lemme make this easy for you — you don’t have two feelings for two guys. You like Joe and you wanna bang Leo. That’s all.
Meanwhile, Leo has scurried off with Chelsea in the rain to dip their feet in the hot tub. He asks her if she’s naked under her matching set. Y’all. I can’t with this dude. They end up making out while Kendall is freaking out about her feelings.
The next morning, Kenny shows up with a date card from the producers and it’s for Colton! He chooses Tia and she thinks today will be the day Colton asks her to be his girlfriend. I really don’t think boyfriend/girlfriend labels apply in Paradise. It’s a Bermuda Triangle of labels.
Colton and Tia go on their date and look who shows up while they’re in a dance contest in the town square! It’s Raven and Adam! A Paradise success story! Raven is there to provide some folksy reality to Tia. Adam is there to hang out with some dude he doesn’t know in Mexico. After Colton and Tia win their dance contest, Tia sits down with Raven. Raven warns her that Colton goes after the “It” girl and he might be just saying the right things to stay in Paradise. Tia says that she can tell Colton is a good guy. How? How can any woman know if literally any man is a good guy? Him telling you that he’s a good guy is not evidence. Good behavior. We’re looking for GOOD BEHAVIOR. Raven says if Colton doesn’t act right, she’s going to rip his dick off.
Tia sits down with Colton for the 15th serious conversation of their three-date long relationship and tells him that Raven, yes Raven, is worried about their relationship. Colton tells her that she’s his girlfriend and Tia says in her confessional that she can see them getting engaged. Tia. Sweet Tia.
Back in Paradise, there’s a new gentleman coming down the steps. It’s tiny French-Canadian delight, Benoit! No one knows who he is. Damn, I guess I’m the only one who watched and enjoyed Winter Games. His fellow Winter Games resident, Kevin, gives him the lay of the land. Benoit takes Krystal and Jenna aside and he’s just as charmed by Jenna sticking her tongue out when she giggles. He takes Jenna on his date card.
Jordan is melting down. His grand plan to win Jenna back is to write “I’m Sorry” in the sand. He’s busy making fun of Benoit’s shorts and Converse and calling Benoit the Diet Coke of French and rationalizing his connection with Jenna.
Cut to Benoit and Jenna MAKING OUT. Benoit was lipstick all over his face. Jenna carries Benoit on her back out into the streets. Then they eat a churro Lady and the Tramp style. White people think that’s way more hilarious than it is. It’s OFF-PUTTING.
Back in Paradise, Jordan shows Jenna his handiwork and says that he doesn’t apologize. That’s … horrifying. He asks her to compare his connection to Benoit’s and you don’t want her to do that Jordan. He says if it takes losing a battle to win the war, he’s fine with that.
The episode ends with Jenna and her blurry lipstick breaking down in the confessional. How can she choose?