What a treat to pick up this week with Hannah and Conrad’s blowout fight, which has left Conrad clutching his blonde Disney-prince pouf and sucking down a cigarette in the corner of the nightclub by himself in a moment of peak 23-year-old angst. João, who can’t go five minutes without being a dick, invades Conrad’s personal space to take off his shoe, which, I’ll hand it to João, is a pretty innovative way to be a complete asshole. Conrad freaks out like a cat under a hose and says he just needs time to himself! João mocks him: “He’s 23 and he needs time on his own.” This leads to another of their Real Housewives fights, in which Conrad threatens to hit him. João — who was seeking this very reaction — acts victimized. Then, the others rush over to make sure no one gets slapped. João, who started this whole thing, puts his hands up and says he’s just going to walk away.
He runs to his future ex Brooke, whose take is, “You did the right thing taking the high road.” João’s high road is about as high as the Holland Tunnel but okay.
Back on the boat, Hannah has changed into snakeskin leggings with sheer paneling and has gone into the kitchen to have Adam feed her tostadas while she talks at him about how poor Conrad is. Adam, the prevailing voice of reason once again, tells her she knew he was 23 and had “no bank account.” Well, 23 also means he has the taut skin of a beluga whale, looks fine with his shirt sleeves rolled up, and basically exhales pheromones, which can easily if temporarily overpower even Hannah’s deep-seated materialism.
The next day Hannah passes Conrad on the stairs and refuses to acknowledge him. The editors carve another notch in the “Hannah is lazy” storyline by cutting Sandy and Brooke’s conversation about how great service means the water glasses are always full, with shots of Hannah walking around wearing headphones.
In the crew mess, João is blathering about how he’s still drunk, and accuses Kasey of talking shit about him to Brooke. Kasey tells him he offended her by flirting with her during Hannah’s weird birthday party and then turning right around and making out with Brooke. João’s take on this isn’t that maybe, just maybe he behaved like a horrible person, but, “I didn’t realize how much she liked me.” I hope for Kasey’s sake that her feelings for João are born out of the desperation of being on a boat, like how everyone has weird hookups on their Birthright trips or as camp counselors. If he were lined up next to other fluent English speakers at Gold Bar, I refuse to believe that she would really choose him.
And now, a moment for the next primary, who is friends with Captain Sandy and named Lizzz with three Z’s. I wonder if Captain Sandy has so many friends rent the boat because no one else wants to risk getting stuck at sea with the bozos who run these Bravo yachts, even if 99 percent of the guests are drunker than Snooki the entire time. Well, Bravo producers, let it be known that my husband and I are brave enough to do it so long as it doesn’t cost us more than a Snickers bar at Duane Reade.
Meanwhile, Brooke and Kasey make beds and complain about Hannah not doing any work. The editors cut in shots of Hannah asking where the crab forks are and walking around drinking a Sprite.
Then Conrad and Hannah meet on the boat to decide to get back together. Conrad says he can’t help but still like her, even if she accused him of being poor on national television. Hannah’s take on the situation is, “You can’t be mad at me because of how I’m programmed.” Which, for all her (albeit justified) hatred of João, is exactly the kind of thing João would say.
Even though all she does is walk around the boat listening to Tiësto albums and drinking soda, Hannah says she wants to impress Captain Sandy this charter. Adam is once again determined to impress the guests because they’re Sandy’s friends. Despite Hannah claiming she’s bringing her A-game this time, Adam feels compelled to pop up to the lunch table — set with a centerpiece consisting of driftwood, a bird’s nest, and someone’s pearl thong — to explain he’s serving swordfish over salad, presumably because Hannah can’t even be trusted to explain that.
Hannah takes a nap while the guests ride Jet Skis and Brooke sets the table. Brooke says Hannah is a “fur coat, no knickers” which is British for, “Hannah wants to take credit for all the toilet scrubbing without scrubbing any toilets herself.” Kasey and Brooke also complain that she takes five or six cigarette breaks a day. No wonder Conrad doesn’t want to get in the habit of buying her cigarettes!
After João has a mini spat with Adam for not feeding him when he got hungry, he ends up having pillow talk with Brooke in bed about Kasey. Brook asks if he made up with her and João says he did, adding, “I have to break her eight-year dry spell.” For some reason Brooke stays in bed with him instead of running in the other direction. This is a man who is going to say to her, “You’re being a bitch,” and then when she says, “Don’t call me a bitch,” say, “I didn’t call you a bitch, I said you’re being a bitch.” I hate him.
The next day, the crew has to scale a mountain on the Italian isle of Ischia, which is like Capri only bigger and seemingly subjected to fewer Instagram influencers. They have to carry about half the gear on the boat up along with Adam’s turkey sandwiches and cornucopia for the table décor. Everyone but Hannah, Conrad, and Jamie help with setup. Hannah and Conrad take this time to not do work, and decide they’re going to go to Prague after the charter season ends, where I’m sure Hannah will find Conrad even more poor than she does now and dump him. Conrad passes putting the water toys out onto Jamie, who does it well and with glee. Sandy is so impressed by her that she lets her drive the boat out when they leave, which makes Jamie adorably excited and is one of the only heartwarming moments in this show’s history.
After lunch, Brooke notices João and Kasey flirtatiously holding the same crab while they wait for the tender to take them back to the yacht. Back at the boat, Adam buys an octopus from a fisherman on another boat and congratulates himself on keeping things local and serving something slightly exotic like octopus. While he’s slicing it, Conrad wanders into the kitchen demanding ham. Adam says he’ll feed them soon but admits that even though it’s his job to feed the crew, he hates doing it. Then he tells João, who’s hangry, resulting in an even worse personality than usual, that his fly’s down.
João and Brooke steal away to the observation deck, where Brooke asks if she’s going to find out anything about João that’s going to upset her. If she hasn’t found out anything about João that’s upset her thus far she probably won’t ever.
After the guests leave the crew with a mediocre tip, Sandy tells the kids to go out to a nice dinner but not clubbing. Which is sound advice for not only this bunch but just about anyone prone to clubbing. While Brooke borrows Hannah’s “Ralph Laurens,” João and Kasey flirt in the crew mess. Hannah spots João taking sexy selfies with Kasey and sticking her phone down his pants to, to quote wordsmith Colin, “snap a dickie.” She runs back to Brooke to tell her what she witnessed and even though the editors leave us with Brooke looking surprised, we know that she’ll overlook João’s ongoing lizard-like behavior next week, and the week after that, and probably the week after that. And then the season will end, so hopefully we’ll learn at the reunion that Brooke has moved on. Someone even slightly less disgusting would be a monumental improvement.