American Horror Story
Stop whatever you’re doing because the Coven is back and they are taking names!!!!!!!!
But before we get there, let’s start at the beginning with Michael Langdon, who is still reviewing people for his supposed Sanctuary. During Mallory’s cooperative interrogation cooperations, Langdon reveals that he’s not looking for candidates who are willing to eat the forbidden fruit, but tear down the tree and burn it for firewood. This seems less like a moral position and more like an environmental statement to me, but Mallory takes this opportunity to reveal that there’s something deep down inside her trying to claw out. Could it be a witch?!
It’s probably a witch because as soon as Langdon threatens her, the room is consumed by darkness and a flame dances as she throws Langdon backwards WITH HER MIND. It appears the innocent assistant we had grown to forget as a meek little gray is hiding something awfully … wicked. If you don’t see what I’m getting at here, I am calling this woman a witch. This, of course, frightens Langdon, who asks his Dad/Satan to help destroy Mallory and those like her. Normally when people say their parents are the devil, they’re being hyperbolic but in this case, Langdon, was very clearly been raised by Lucifer Vandross.
Meanwhile, Sarah Paulson is furious that Michael refuses to take her to the Sanctuary so she plots to kill everyone. As an aside, it’s worth noting that if everyone in Langdon’s Sanctuary is evil, it is not actually a sanctuary, it’s Hell. This tracks logically if you remember that his dad is the devil, and a cool place for the devil and his spawn to hang out would be the hellfire of eternal damnation. Thus, the Sanctuary is actually the Bad Place and anyone who actively wants to go there is missing the point. But anyway, Venable is jealous and lacks impulse control. Girl, we all feel jealous sometimes, but the solution is never a mass grave. That reads as a little dramatic, especially if you’re donning an updo and an impeccably sharp velvet suit. Which, may I add, Venable has fantastic suits — I can’t find a good tailor in Williamsburg, how does she find one in Armaggedon?! But I digress …
Sarah Paulson and Miriam resolve to kill everyone, including Langdon, and use his computer to triangulate the Sanctuary. This is a big bad dumb plan, and if Venable had any sense, she’d notice the Google Maps–shaped hole in her decision-making. Miriam takes this opportunity to reminisce on her past Halloweens — her first murder, her first date, the faceless boy, the Halloween she dressed as Rosie the Robot, which is hardly a performative stretch considering she’s a literal android. The weird thing is that all these memories are incredibly vivid for her, even though as a robot she shouldn’t have memories. She even remembers receiving apples as a treat from some lame suburbanite. (I have a moral obligation to note that with Halloween approaching, anyone that gives children fruit during trick or treating is the Antichrist. Beware!)
On the outside of the outpost, Brock (Billy Eichner) searches desperately for his rich girlfriend, Coco. This involves killing a bunch of cannibals and then stowing away on a horse-drawn carriage. For the record, it is far too easy to break into the Outpost. You mean to tell me all you need to do is hide under some boxcar and you’re in there? Clearly, these people have never heard of the Trojan horse tale, because they would know to trust no offering. I’m starting to believe the people of the Outpost are too trusting and that is their fatal flaw.
Of course, this brings me to the masquerade ball. Everyone is wearing masks, but even the dimmest wit should be able to weed out who each and every person is through the process of elimination. However, this is not the most observant group, as no one has substantively brought up the fact that Evie was stabbed to death in her bed. I hope if I’m murdered in a fury of sex rage people notice, that’s the least the could do. Coco interacts with a masked man who she believes to be Langdon. Lacking subtlety or shame, Coco offers him butt stuff in exchange for a ticket to the Sanctuary. But it’s not Langdon, it’s Brock, the man she left to die in the nuclear holocaust. And he’s not the same Brock … because he’s missing several fingers and he’s managing infections that never heal. He returns the favor by stabbing her square in the head.
Honestly, I’m impressed with his arm strength. The human skull is thick to protect the brain, and he pierced it with one swift movement. Say what you will about the apocalypse, but you can’t get that muscular density at Barry’s Bootcamp.
At the masquerade ball, the rest of the Outpost bobs for what they will soon discover are poisonous apples. Maybe I’m a prude, but bobbing for apples sounds lame as hell. I don’t care if it’s the last game on Earth — what’s entertaining about simulating waterboarding and swapping bacteria? No, thank you! It’s certainly a creative way to poison people, but if the purples watched local news they would be more suspicious of treats from strangers. Disney villainesses like Venable are why my Nigerian parents never let me trick or treat, and honestly, I’m better for it. Especially since I’m not currently dry heaving in a windowless bunker. Kudos to Ryan Murphy because this vomit scene gave the Stand by Me pie-eating contest a run for its money.
There’s more upchuck at this party than an SAE tailgate, and I have never been so disgusted and so entertained in my life. But I still believe eating a poisonous Red Delicious (which, hot take: already taste like trash) is better than dying in a nuclear winter. I mean, just look what happened to Brock’s hairline! I’d take my chances with a stomach bug.
Venable and Miriam are delighted that their mass murders have gone according to plan. They visit Langdon’s room to gloat, but he reveals that the poison-apple plot they plagiarized from the Wicked Queen was actually his plot all along. When Venable orders Miriam to kill him, Miriam instead shoots Venable because the robot abides by a higher code, and that higher code is the binary code. This, my friends, is why you trust no one, especially not androids you didn’t personally program. Turns out, Miriam was actually programmed after the only woman Langdon ever trusted, Grandma Constance Langdon (Jessica Lange), thus her memories were not her own but Constance’s. Everything is connected. Everything has a point. And best of all, our favorite coven — Madison Montgomery, Cordelia Goode, and Myrtle Snow — roll through an empty Outpost and resurrect Mallory, Coco, and Dinah. It’s gonna be a fight between the Antichrist and the witches!