When you woke up this morning, did you think you’d be cheering on either Chris and Krystal or Jordan and Jenna? The first thing I did this morning was — well, the first thing I did was stare at the ceiling for 45 minutes like I always do. Then I had to reckon with the fact that the finale for this impossibly weird season of Bachelor in Paradise was finally upon us. I certainly didn’t imagine that I’d be fighting back tears watching Jordan propose to Jenna. Even after reading all the conspiracy theories on the internet today about Jenna and Jordan, I still found myself hoping that these two Forever 21 mannequins would make it work. The final rose ceremonies were rushed, and we barely got to see any of Neil Lane, the Bachelor Cinematic Universe’s real star. Let’s get into it.
It’s the morning after the fantasy suites and all the women have woken up, done their makeup, and crawled back into bed because that’s how you should wake up with the person you love. The first couple to wake up is Anneliese and Kamil. Oh, Anneliese. Just because you desperately want someone to propose to you and that’s baked into the premise of the show but you’re dating an emotionless social-media participant does not mean this is going to work out the way you want it to. She’s looking forward to her storybook ending and we all know that’s not happening. I don’t know if Kamil has ever smiled at her.
It’s time for them to casually saunter into the hallowed proposal ground. Anneliese delivers a passionate speech about how safe she feels and how much she trusts him. Oh, sweetheart. He’s empty. Kamil delivers a speech about how he always knew she was a special woman but he’s not ready for an engagement. You can spot the exact moment Anneliese starts biting her tongue to keep the tears from flowing. Have you ever watched a woman rationalize some fuckboy bullshit in real time? That “I totally agree” was loaded. She says the timeline for getting engaged should be in a couple weeks or a couple months. Put a pin in that.
Up next is Jordan and Jenna. Jordan has really grown into a real boy this season, hasn’t he? He’s ready to get engaged and married just once.
CAN I JUST SAY — I hate this weird talking point: “I only want to get married once.” Yeah. So does everybody. You didn’t figure it out. There also aren’t sinful people who are super-pumped to get divorced and remarried. It’s like when my college roommate yelled at me for being so irresponsible when I got drunk and threw up for the first time. She said “Maybe you think that’s fun, but not me,” and I shouted back, “THAT WASN’T FUN FOR ME, RACHEL. I THOUGHT I WAS DYING. I THREW UP IN THE WOODS BEHIND TZE HOUSE.”
Anyway, Jenna is typically frazzled and pretty terrified of Jordan changing his mind. She’s so freaked out she can barely speak when they finally walk on the proposal altar. There’s one reading of this moment where she’s so moved by their love that she can’t find the words. There’s another reading where she has to steady herself before following through with the last part of her 15-part plan to scam the Bachelor system for all its worth. But for now, the jig isn’t up and Jordan gets down on one knee and proposes to Jenna. He picks her up and carries her into future embarrassment … I mean the sunset.
Finally, it’s time for Krystal and Chris. Of course, this bitch isn’t wearing shoes. After breakfast in bed and matching green juices, Krystal has a mini-breakdown. She’s just so terrified and that’s NOT MADE ANY BETTER by Chris’s fake-out proposal. Whose fucking idea was this? What producer was hyping Chris up to propose to the woman he wants to spend his life with and calm her fears of relationships crumbling by telling him to play a hilarious prank? I hated every second of this. They’re engaged and we all should be happy for them.
It’s time for the reunion portion of the episode and what a waste. Kenny King barely said anything and NO ONE commented on Will’s shorts. Plus, Leo was there. We didn’t even have to see him and his dumb-ass new beard. The reunion is just a short series of sit-down interviews with all the couples to see if they’re still together. Keep in mind, this wasn’t live so … some things might be different now.
After a brief check-in with all of the minor characters this season and the tiniest hint of drama with Benoit and Jordan, it’s time to check in with all the heavy-hitter relationships from the season. First up is Astrid and Kevin. Astrid says that the thing that will give her closure would be if Kevin takes responsibility for his actions. Thankfully, Kevin is back in therapy and prepared with some EMOTIONAL ACCOUNTABILITY! Imagine lasers and sparkles flying out of the words EMOTIONAL ACCOUNTABILITY! That’s what women want — EMOTIONAL ACCOUNTABILITY! Kevin says that everything that went down was because of his own baggage and what happened with Ashley I in the fantasy suite on Winter Games and he had to get outta there. He says that he’s madly in love with her and they hold hands. These two crazy kids might make it.
It’s time for Kendall and Grocery Store Joe. Guys, I forgot Kendall was 26 years old. It’s very easy to forget because she tries really hard to talk like a Smart Girl, but man. She is TOO-WINTY-SICKS. Apparently, she flew to Chicago to tell this 32-year-old man that she made a mistake. And he’s … over it. He says that he might not be able to trust her, but all that has changed since they’ve been spending more time together. They’re still in love but it’s tough to be in a long-distance relationship so Chris Harrison has pulled some strings (read: ABC is out of stars) and Joe will be on the next season of Dancing With the Stars. There is no way Joe is good at dancing and I’m very excited for this.
Up next, it’s time to watch the emotional rug get pulled out from under Anneliese. How dare Bachelor in Paradise do this. This is really low and cheap. Clearly, Kamil wasn’t feeling the relationship for a while and they could have broken up in private but Kamil wanted one more time in the spotlight or he didn’t fully understand how bad he would come across. Either way, Bachelor in Paradise is happy to have Anneliese’s heartbreak as part of their second hour. After Kamil tells her, Anneliese just has to leave, and the charisma black hole that is Kamil tries to defend himself to Chris Harrison. Anneliese steels herself and comes back on set to tell Kamil that she tried to break up with him two weeks ago but he told her he was going to fight for the relationship.
Tia just looks at Anneliese and says, “Yes, bitch. Yes,” without blinking and with an intensity usually reserved for Jack Nicholson in … anything. Kamil doesn’t understand why he’s the bad guy here! Anneliese bought flowers for his mom and all his plane tickets. Why is he the bad guy??!?!?! Let’s move on. What is there to move on to? Jordan and Jenna are still together (at the time of filming) and Chris and Krystal are still together. Two very insignificant interviews with each couple. Chris did cry and reveal that Krystal told him to get his act together and be a regular-ass person or he would alienate everyone around him. I wish a grown man would know to act but there’s only so much we can hope for! And with that —
See you in January for Colton as the Bachelor!