There was a voice floating from across the plains. A plaintive wail drifted from across the lands. A cry in the night. A whimper in the distance. It was the voice of a charming and witty freelance writer. It was just two words …
….. freeeeee meeeeee ……
FREE ME FROM THIS HELL. OH GOD. I looked down in the sand and there was just one set of roller bag tracks. WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME? What have I done to deserve this punishment? To sit through three hours of Bachelor in Paradise. I wish this world was better. There are so many things that we need to fix about this world, about ourselves. So many things that I need to fix about myself. I seriously feel like the easiest one to fix is make Bachelor in Paradise half as long. We can’t solve global warming or government corruption in a day but we can do this.
I mean … WOW. Where even to begin? It’s all bad. Wait, I take that back. There is literally one shining moment.
Jenna is freaking out because Eric and Angela’s relationship is crumbling (we’ll get to that) and she’s hiding underneath a pillow weeping. Jordan comes up to her and asks her what’s wrong, listens to her concerns, literally tells her “There’s a lot going on. I’m not minimizing your feelings. It’s okay to be emotional. I’m sticking by my hot baby (ew).” Jordan demonstrated a mature and respectful way to handle your partner’s emotions. These desperate times make for strange bedfellows.
There’s a whole bunch of weirdness in this episode so I hope you’re ready. Let’s get to it.
The first bomb to go off in Paradise is Eric going on a date with Cassandra. Everyone is sitting around trying to console Angela while she just stands around in the middle of different rooms weeping. Eric and Cassandra’s romantic date starts with Popsicles and Eric making a completely uncalled-for toast. They’re not in glasses. There’s nothing to toast. Eric tells Cassandra that he wants a woman who can give him consistency, honesty, and reciprocate everything he’s giving. I think we have to invent a new type of irony for Bachelor in Paradise. Angela? Still full-on weeping.
The show cuts between Angela’s incredibly tragic monologue while we see Eric and Cassandra riding in a cowboy parade, getting crowned king and queen of the cowboy parade, making out in the middle of the rodeo. Angela has never felt more like a fool and she thought that Eric was the last person to do that to her. Y’KNOW WHAT? SO DID I! The fact that Paradise has debased someone like Eric means that we have truly reached the rockiest of bottoms. Eric’s reasoning for why he had a sudden change of heart is that Angela is moving the relationship too slowly and he doesn’t feel that spark. This feels like we got two people with two completely different Love Languages here.
Eric and Cassandra are still enjoying their sensual cowboy parade when Colton gets the call it’s time for him to be the next Bachelor.
I mean … he realized that he just can’t fake his relationship with Tia anymore.
Oh wow, however you say it, it sounds very bad.
Colton. Colton. Colton. Just when I thought we were done with these two sentient buttermilk biscuits. Colton sits down with Kevin to tell him that his heart just isn’t in the relationship with Tia anymore. He wants to be the one who makes her happy but he’s putting pressure on himself to keep up the relationship. All he wants to do is please others and it comes at the detriment of his own satisfaction.
Yo. I’m sorry. This is all awfully mature for a 26-year-old who spent the first half of the season saying he just needed to be confused for a while. Most importantly, this is just not a reason a guy breaks up with you. Guys break up with you because you they’re getting back together with their ex-girlfriend whose dad has a boat. Guys break up with you because they’re weirded out by your need for “commitment” and “intimacy.” Guys break up with you because this is the year the Hawkeyes are going to the Rose Bowl and they just can’t be tied down right now. Basically, ultimately selfish reasons. A 26-year-old breaking up with his girlfriend while at a Mexican resort because she deserves someone who can give her a happy life is OUTRAGEOUS.
Tia, of course, breaks down and her only reaction is to leave right then and there. She says that Colton needs to take time to work on himself. Tia, that is not going to happen. He’s going to take time to force 30 women to deal with all his neuroses Monday nights on ABC.
Everyone cannot comprehend that such a strong couple is out of the game. YOU ALL THOUGHT TIA AND COLTON HAD A STRONG RELATIONSHIP? You sweet little dummies. After comforting Jenna, Jordan is doing an interview on the beach and John wakes up and wants to know where Tia and Colton are. He napped through the whole thing. John must be way more charming in person.
Everyone is crying and shaken except for Angela and Cassandra who come back from their date. The concept of time and space on this show is upside down. Eric takes Angela aside and he asks how she’s doing. NOT GREAT, ERIC. She can’t comprehend how he completely changed his mind in eight hours. Angela says she was all in. Eric says “What does ‘in’ really mean?” Angela just says “Okay.” Uh-oh. She’s walking away from this conversation a little too calmly. She takes Cassandra aside and breaks down her conversation with Eric. She says that she doesn’t want to change how Cassandra feels but just to let her know. Girl. If you’re gonna be about it, be about it. You knew exactly what you were doing and it wasn’t “just wanting Cassandra to have all the information.” Eric sits down with Cassandra and she’s not feeling him anymore. Well, at least until the rose ceremony.
The next morning, Kevin and Astrid are lounging around. They are reassuring each other that even though Colton and Tia and Eric and Angela have imploded, they’re still all in in the traditional definition of the term. Kevin tells her that even though the walls are crumbling around them, they still get to watch amazing sunsets and he’s falling in love with her. She’s falling in love with him. At least there’s one pure relationship on this show.
In the morning, Jordan shaves Chris’s baby hairs off. Chris, I tried to do this once when I was about 8 years old. They grew back straight up and took years to grow in right. Have fun with that.
There’s two new arrivals in the morning: Shushanna and Christen. They have a double-date card. Wells decides to tell Yuki about the whole “scallop fingers” thing. Without everyone “laughing” about the nickname, it’s really … mean? It’s somehow meaner than before. Just one man reminding everyone about a mean nickname like it’s a irrefutable fact. No, thanks. Just because she has a mean nickname also doesn’t change the fact that she’s a thirsty bitch. Shushanna and Christen choose Kamil and John for their dates. Kamil tells Shu that he’s in sort of a friend situation with Anneliese and they both have agreed to explore other relationships. Anneliese pretends to be okay with Kamil going on the date until he’s out of earshot and proceeds to weep ALL DAY.
After the foursome head out for their double date, Chris Harrison shows up. He says that he’s bringing in special guests to decide who is going on the next date card. It’s Ashley I and Jared. Oh Christ. Here we go. Chris says that he considers Ashley and Jared a Paradise success story even though no part of their relationship flourished on any iteration of Paradise. Jared says that they were both “dating someone else.” Yeah, he’s standing in the back, dog. He also says that “timing is everything.” Fuck you, dude. You don’t get to say that when we all know the timeline between you “coming to your senses” and Kevin and Ashley’s relationship is very squishy.
Chris sends Ashley and Jared down to the beach and tells everyone to hang back because there’s no date card. THERE IS A NEIL LANE ENGAGEMENT RING.
My absolute favorite part of their engagement is Ashley didn’t take off her stilettos before she walked onto the beach so the heels of her shoes sink into the sand and she’s walking like her feet are on backwards.
Kevin is forced to watch his ex-girlfriend get engaged to the man she maybe cheated on him with. Here’s to love! Do we have confirmation that Kevin and Ashley had sex during their relationship so let’s add that weird fucking medieval layer to what’s happening. Kevin has a bit of a meltdown and Astrid sits with him. There’s a real date card and it’s for Kevin. IT BETTER BE.
He goes to dinner with Astrid and they tell each other they love each other.
Are we done yet? Set me free.
After the double date, Kamil tells Anneliese that he’s only interested in her and John manages to kiss Olivia and Christen. Seriously? Is this dude making up for when he was not John-of-Venmo-fame?
All right: it’s time for the rose ceremony. Four girls are going home and the only people with roses even remotely up for grabs are John, Eric, and maybe Kamil. Shushanna is not giving up on Kamil and Cassandra decides that yeah, maybe Eric is still kinda cute. But before Chris Harrison can start the cocktail party, he’s got one new guy to jump in — Jordan from New Zealand! He’s just … here, I guess?
Shushanna is so nervous to go talk to Kamil. She doesn’t understand why Kamil isn’t fawning over her. She felt that connection. She works up the courage to go talk to him. Can someone tell me what the big deal with this guy is? I’ve never seen anyone with less charisma in my entire life. He says he tried to open up to her on their date. Bitch, where? It doesn’t matter because he didn’t feel that spark so she’s looking elsewhere. The other woman who has decided to set her sights on Kamil is Chelsea. She takes him aside and encourages him to explore his feelings. They hold hands and Anneliese stares them down. Anneliese is the type of girl who would read your text messages. Did Chelsea think she was getting away with this?
Anneliese tells Chelsea not to poke the bear and stand down. Chelsea feigns ignorance and says that maybe Anneliese is hearing what she wants to hear. I mean … true.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. All the standard relationships get roses. Jordan and Jenna, Kevin and Astrid, Kendall and Joe, Chris and Krystal. Eric gives rose to Cassandra. Jordan 2 gives his rose to Shushanna ensuring one more week of drama with Kamil. John gives his to Olivia and Kamil gives his rose to Anneliese.
Before the rose ceremony is over, Christen has a fainting spell that requires paramedics and Chelsea hyperventilates in her final interview. If they can’t find love, they’ll perish here, much like my own spirit. Paradise claims more souls tonight.