Below Deck Mediterranean Season Finale Recap: The Mysteries of Hannah

Below Deck Mediterranean

Definitely Not Prague
Season 3 Episode 16
Editor’s Rating 5 stars

Below Deck Mediterranean

Definitely Not Prague
Season 3 Episode 16
Editor’s Rating 5 stars
Photo: Bravo

Below Deck Mediterranean closes another season with its mothership the Talisman Maiton remarkably intact. If you, like me, find yourself with Below Deck Med FOMO in the off season and you, unlike me, have money to flush down a mustard-colored marble toilet, you can rent the Talisman Maiton for $266,000 for a week in the low season or $315,000 in the high season. And if you have even more money to fart into the ocean, you can buy it!

I’d personally feel ripped off knowing the boat wouldn’t include this season’s characters, especially Hannah. I spent the whole season trying to decide if she was played out or if I thought she should come back next season and by the end of this episode I decided she’s a brilliant reality star and I can’t imagine this show without her. She’s as central to it as the Victoria’s Secret-inspired table centerpieces, and possesses the shamelessness and ability not to take herself seriously that you know someone like Kasey never will. Kasey seems like the classic one-season reality star who’s going to be miserable after the show because she’ll be embarrassed she unwittingly played into the “didn’t end up with João” storyline.

The episode begins with Kasey trying to get Joao to admit that he secretly likes her more than Brooke. I believe João when he says he really does like Brooke, because he’s the kind of monster who would cheat on her with Kasey if the mood struck him or, apparently, if the seating arrangement were conducive to it.

While Kasey scurries off to squeezes limes, Hannah announces that she’s finally booked a new flight home to Australia now that she and Conrad are no longer going to Prague. She chastises Conrad for not offering to pay for half the change fee and he says she’s “obviously the farthest thing from happy,” forgetting that he obviously had something to do with that.

After dinner around a blue centerpiece that looked like mall eveningwear brand Caché for Home, more awkwardness between the daughters and the primary’s girlfriend Trish ensues. Perhaps this is why daughter Ashley gets so drunk that the editors caption her with extra consonants so that nobody watching has any doubt about how wasted she is. “I’ll go sit over heredrm,” she says. And, “Isveryhurn.” Hannah finds her passed out and says it’s a safety hazard for her not to go to bed, so she helps the other sister drag the girl through the innards of the boat to her room. Hannah decides that even though this woman is embarrassing herself, she’s “just fucking jealous” because she, too, wants “to be drunk and wasted and falling all over the place.” Which is exactly why she’s perfect for this show.

The next morning the guests depart from Sorrento, and the crew is ecstatic to be rid of them. Not because these people are particularly horrible, but because working on a yacht is just crappy. Per Colin: “I’m just going to faceplant in my bed and do, like, bed angels.”

Hannah offers to give Kasey a reference, which is interesting given how much she hated Kasey at the beginning of the season after she put her bras in the dryer.

Hannah, who, remember, is eager to be wasted, goes over to Brooke and flips her hair in her face before insisting she join her outside for a glass of wine. Instead of trying to be friendly, she starts talking about how much she hates João. “I would quite happily put all my charter season’s tips on the fact that he’ll fuck you over,” she says. I would put all of Hannah’s tips on that too.

Brooke says she’s tired of Hannah not accepting her feelings for João. Hannah may, to a fault, always say what she thinks about everyone, but Brooke’s problem is that she’s way to precious about everything. She’s too precious about her tablescapes and she’s too precious about her reality television relationship with human mildew João.

At the tip meeting, Sandy announces that they made a total of $143,500 this season which is about $16,000 in tips per person, which is a lot for six weeks of work, even if you have to shower in a water bottle and sleep in a match book with João on the other side of the wall.

They get dressed to go out to dinner with Sandy and you know it’s a special night because Conrad wears a jacket, Sandy dusts off her fitted leather, and Adam buttons his flannel. Brooke, who can’t go out in her non-boat clothes without a piece of fringe or ruffle somewhere on her person, opts for a printed dress with tassels hanging off the hemline. I spent all season trying to figure out how to sum up her style and I finally realized what it is: boho Ann Taylor.

At dinner, Sandy asks Conrad “what’s next” for him, and Brooke wins with one of the season’s best dinner zingers: “Definitely not Prague, that’s what we know.”

Hannah sleuths off with Jamie to complain about this. “She wants to bring up Prague while she’s banging the most sexist pig on the boat?” she says within earshot of everyone left at the table, including Brooke and João. In the van on the way back to the boat, the producers make Hannah sit next to João and Brooke. When they arrive, Hannah tells João to get out, which would require him to climb over her. He says he’s not doing that, joking, “I’m sexist!” which he is but made me laugh because this was probably the first time all season he exhibited a sense of humor about himself.

Hannah and Brooke hang back in the van to fight while Conrad runs back to the boat to move his duvet into a guest cabin, where he plans to sleep to escape Hannah. Brooke tells Hannah that everyone likes João and he’s kind and has had a hard life. Hannah counters that Jamie also hates him, adding, “I’m sick of hearing this shit about someone who told me to eat a back of dicks.” Brooke says he was just hammered! If she believes that’s a real excuse then she also has to forgive Hannah for saying, “If you want to defend him for calling me a slut? Fuck off.”

Then they go back to the boat where Adam makes fancy pasta for the drunk people who aren’t hiding from Hannah. Hannah changes into her sweats and starts searching for Conrad like he’s one of Kenny’s onions. She invades his guest cabin and says, “Baby, are you not going to give me a hug?” He tells her to “Go away” and then she blathers incoherently about fucking a guy on another yacht. After this fails to entice Conrad to have sex with her, she says, “Have you really gone six weeks without sex or a blowjob and you’re turning it down right now?” Then there’s some uncomfortable panting and Hannah goes, “Take my pants off.”

The next day, it’s time for the crew to peel off and return to their non-boat, non-TV lives, but not without a parting pearl of insight about how this embarrassing experience has forever changed them.

Colin hasn’t learned how to pronounce “gnocchi” and still doesn’t think the pizza in Naples is a big deal. He may have gotten his heart trampled on by someone who likes João, but says there might be something to this yachting business after all.

Kasey says she still likes João, who cries when he says goodbye to Captain Sandy. Sandy tells him she wants him to come back as her bosun. Brooke, wearing a button down office shirt with black floral appliqué, says goodbye to Hannah. They agree they don’t want to leave hating each other, and Hannah actually tells her she hopes it works out with João. I assume Hannah is just thrilled to get off the boat and therefore is able to be happy about anything.

Adam says he’s 33, and after ten years of yachting, it’s easy to want to quit, but this season made him love it again. Despite not having fights with people all the time like Hannah and João, Adam ended up being a great character because he’s hilarious and gives zero fucks. Bravo should definitely have him back next season and probably explore the possibility of an Adam Ever After spinoff about him driving around in his van to make dinner for rich people he disdains.

Hannah and Conrad are the last to go, and say a cordial goodbye. Hannah is rather emotionless about it and says she should never be with someone she’s dating 24/7 because it’s too much Hannah. Conrad says he’s not sure if he wants to continue with yachting because people (presumably like Hannah) who do it for a while get stuck in it with no family or a family they never see.

Sandy has let all the drama between her and Hannah go and even apologizes to her for yelling at her. Hannah, naturally, doesn’t apologize to Sandy for making her life a living hell. Her parting words: “I’m now going to take all my tips and go spend them on therapy.”

And I’m going to take my hard-earned money and spend it on the $30 “chief stew bitch” shirt from Hannah’s athliesure line. The next time I get drunk and board a water taxi, I want to be sure I have the perfect thing to change into.

Below Deck Mediterranean: The Mysteries of Hannah