90 Day Fiancé
Ahh yes, it’s time for the world to gather ‘round the television/laptop/iPad and watch the greatest show known to man: 90 Day Fiancé. We start this week with our real-life Buster and Lucille Bluth: Colt and Debra, who are somehow having a conversation about privacy in the home they share. Colt is worried that he won’t be able to share private moments with his Brazilian girlfriend, Larissa. This would be an understandable problem if he was … 15. As a grown man, Colt needs to move out of his momma’s house and get his own space. That’s the only way he can ensure privacy. Being upset with his mom for not respecting his privacy in her house is like going to Home Depot and being enraged that you’re surrounded by tools. That’s kind of the deal, and he either has to accept it, or literally move on. Debra comes off a little strange when she cries about being left out of Colt’s life. But, mothers are strange. It’s hard for them to let go of their babies. I would be clingy too with the human I let rip my vagina sideways.
In Lumberton, North Carolina, Fernanda is still rightfully upset with Jonathan for the thong she found in his dresser drawer. She explicitly states that she’s not asking for a lot from him, just that he cleans his house of the past, as well the alarming amount of dust. For a teenager, Fernanda definitely has a good head on her shoulders. She is setting expectations and when Jonathan doesn’t meet them she shows her disappointment. Good for her! Now, she will ultimately be unfilled in her relationship with him, but at least she is communicating well. Plus these communication skills come in handy when Fernanda is forced to converse with Jonathan’s closest bigots. These guys grill her about her intentions with Jonathan and the Mexican crime rate because racism. I’m starting to think Fernanda is too good for Jonathan, not the other way around. She handled the interrogation with grace and managed to do a decent impression of a southern accent. If things don’t work out with her fiancé, Fernanda should take that act on the road.
In Bowie, Maryland, we meet a new American longing to bring his girlfriend stateside, Steven. He has been arrested multiple times and kicked out of his mother’s house. Honestly, I’m delighted to see him. Is it an episode of 90 Day Fiancé if we don’t have at least one male with a criminal record? (The answer is no, folks!) We learn that he was a player while living on Beach City, but that all changed when he met his manic pixie Russian, Olga. Since they were 20 and “just having fun,” they had sex without using protection. It surprised the both of them when she got pregnant. I don’t know what’s surprising about sex leading to pregnancy because that’s literally how babies are made. This makes me worry about our country’s sexual education program, because it’s clear Steven is missing several lessons. But, I digress. Now, Steven is leaving the country for the first time, headed to Russia for the birth of his son. He’s afraid Olga will have trouble getting a visa, because, as he *just* learned, Russian and American relations are fraught. Again, this feels like a failure of “No Child Left Behind” …
In Orange County, it’s Kalani’s 30th birthday and Asuelu is visiting the United States the next day. My fear for Kalani is that she’s searching for something in Asuelu he hasn’t offered. If things don’t work out with him, she thinks she’ll be losing everything, but she has a beautiful child and a supportive family. Asuelu is only 23 years old: Expecting him to step up to fatherhood is like expecting a puppy to drive a stick shift. It’s not impossible, but it’s highly unlikely. When Kalani gets to the airport, Asuelu performs a traditional Samoan dance shirtless and barefoot in the middle of LAX. He screams and rolls around for her, and I’m honestly surprised the TSA didn’t arrest him for terror he was inflicting on American soil. Kalani is so embarrassed by this and I feel her pain. The worst part is once Asuelu finishes his scene he refuses to put his shoes back on which means he’s walking to Lot C barefoot. It’s disgusting. This embarrassment is only matched by the fact that his child doesn’t recognize him and cries when he’s in his arms. This will be a long journey for our favorite coconut farmers, but Asuelu has a sweet heart so I’m rooting for him.
Our favorite family man that’s definitely not going to abandon his family, Eric, is in New York to meet Leida. He has her flying into the East Coast to deceive her into thinking he’s remotely cosmopolitan. Leida has come to America with her son Alessandro and her judgmental sister Reina. Reina is there to scope things out to make sure Eric is suitable for the sister she admits is high maintenance and annoying. (Which by the way, if my family members ever dragged me on national television the way Reina dragged Leida, I’d seek emancipation.) Eric and Leida’s first argument on American soil is on how to fit the luggage in the car. If something as simple as this sets them off, they have absolutely no hope in Wisconsin. Hell, they have no hope in Pennsylvania where Eric got them a hotel because New York is too expensive.
As a New Yorker, I won’t judge him for not wanting to pay $2,500 for a windowless Airbnb in Hell’s Kitchen but this rental doesn’t excite Leida who has no grasp that Pennsylvania makes Wisconsin look like Paris in the 1920s. Of course, Leida and Reina hate their living conditions because Eric got a two-bedroom for three adults. If he’s trying to impress them, he is doing a horrible job. He’d be better off taking them to a Best Western and showing them the magic of a breakfast buffet. Now, that’s the America I’m proud of! Instead he makes Leida a breakfast burrito, which only confuses her more because she’s never made breakfast before. I’m confused as to why this woman left Jakarta; it sounds like she had a great setup there.
Ashley is in Jamaica to help her super-hot fiancé, Jay, with his visa interview. He’s applying for the K1 visa and is excited to get to the United States for the first time. Although, he admits he’s going to miss Jamaica because the coldest weather he’s ever felt is 75 degrees. I can’t comprehend this because the coldest I ever felt was the time I got frostbite on my eyes in Chicago where the wind chill is so low it needs depression meds. Jay got Ashley and himself a hotel room covered in rose petals. This is supposed to be romantic and I think … this is what someone who was recently a teenager would think of as romantic. Jay keeps the romance going by promising to give her the “D” every day and I am just beside myself watching this fairy-tale expression of love before me. This is when Ashley shares that she feels pressure to keep him satisfied because it’s apparently hard for young people to be faithful. I don’t think this is true, but it’s definitely hard for cheaters to remain faithful. This twisted logic is why Jay and Ashley have sex three times a day, sometimes pulling over on the side of the road to get off. This is all a little too much information, and I just feel bad for the cameraperson who is in position to watch them fill their coitus quota. Ultimately, Jay ends up taking a test for his K1 visa, and he passes. For a brief moment I believe that he and his fiancée love each other when he holds back tears of joy. But, I’m nobody’s fool, he is most certainly going to cheat on her.
Colt finally sees the love of his life at the airport and she doesn’t even greet him. Larissa is disappointed that he doesn’t have flowers with him. In fact, they walk by a vending machine with flowers, and she not so subtly asks him to buy them for her but Colt refuses to spend $20 on flowers. This clearly bothers her because she brings it up in every confessional until the end of the episode. She’s going to hold this grudge until their deathbed (which might be sooner than we think if Debra has her way). To make matters worse, Las Vegas is nothing like what Larissa has seen in the movies. She was expecting Ocean’s 8 and all she got was a Motel 6. It doesn’t help that Colt’s car doesn’t have an air conditioner. It’s apparently hotter than Brazil, and the only thing she has to look forward to is seeing the Las Vegas sign, which is a lot smaller than any of us expected. If 90 Day Fiancé has done anything, they have created an anti-promotional campaign for visiting Nevada. Until next time!