90 Day Fiancé
90 Day Fiancé is the greatest reality show to ever exist and anyone who disagrees is uncultured swine. The basic premise is that six Americans fall in love abroad and bring their partners to the U.S. to experience life Stateside. The couples must marry in 90 days before their special visa expires or their significant others have to return to their home countries. In these 90 days, the couples must overcome cultural differences, language barriers, and the judgement of their friends and family. If this sounds absurd, it’s because it absolutely is. 90 Day Fiancé is … reality gold.
We start this sad journey in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, with Ashley, who is dating Jay, a 20-year-old she met in Jamaica while on vacation. Ashley seems like a pretty normal woman, except she has been engaged twice before, and broke off each engagement because both of her respective fiancés cheated on her. I don’t think it’s much of a logical leap to suggest that maybe she has bad taste in men. But who knows? I’m not here to pass judgement, I’m here to state facts. Fact: Ashley is dating someone who is 11 years her junior and she spent approximately eight days with him before agreeing to be his wife. This is not foundation of a strong relationship. Ashley claims that Jay used to be a cheater, but he has since changed … I find this very hard to believe because he was literally a teenager one year ago. Any changes Jay has recently made can be attributed to his developing hippocampus and his brain won’t fully mature until he’s 25.
In Las Vegas, we have Colt, whose mother still feeds him, cleans up after him, and drives him to and from work. To say that he is a mama’s boy would be an understatement, this grown man is still connected via the umbilical cord. When Colt isn’t robbing his mother of her last years, he spends his free time alone with his cats. In fact, he spends so much time alone, he never thought he would get married … That is until he went on an international dating site and found Larissa from Brazil. After proposing to her, Colt promised to fly her out to be with him in the beautiful, temperate Nevada. Unfortunately, Larissa is struggling to get her visa. This is a point of contention for the couple because Larissa doesn’t understand why he can’t just book multiple flights for her the second her visa is ready. According to Colt, Larissa believes everyone in America is rich and thus his inability to reschedule flights at her whim disappoints her. If she thinks this is disappointing, wait until she realizes her fiancé lives with his mother. I expect Larissa to hate everything about her new partner and I can’t wait.
Across the country in Lumberton, North Carolina, we have Jonathan, who is honestly kind of hot. A former college baseball player, this man works 12 to 14 hours a day but always finds time to drink with his friends. Sounds like he has his priorities in line! Apparently, one day, Jonathan realized he didn’t want to die alone. That’s when Fernanda waltzed into his life, on a dance floor when he was on vacation in Mexico. Now, Jonathan pays for her apartment, Jeep Wrangler, her college, and the boob job he got her as soon as they got engaged. I’m not entirely surprised Jonathan supports Fernanda because she’s still a child.
In Orange County, we meet Kalani. She lost her virginity to Asuelu, the hotel staff member who had been stalking her around the resort. Kalani immediately got pregnant. Unfortunately, her dad, Low, doesn’t approve of Asuelu because he wanted Kalani to be with a white man who could provide for her … This seems a little racist if you ask me but whatever. Kalani is nervous for her dad to meet Asuelu, because her dad “speaks louder with his hands than his words.” I’m not entirely sure what this expression means but it sounds like her dad is threatening to commit a hate crime on national television.
In Barabaroo, Wisconsin, we get to know Eric, a divorcé with three daughters who are 11, 19, and 21. He was in a 20-year relationship that ultimately ended although he is still friends with his ex-wife, Tanya. At one point in his life, Eric was so sad about being alone that he considered giving up on women to go fight ISIS. Instead, he took out a personal ad in an international newspaper asking for a girlfriend. (I love that these were his two options in life.) This is when Leida, the model/actress/Ms. Indonesia 5th runner-up contestant, came into his life. Leida and Eric spent exactly two days together before he proposed to her. Now, Leida and her 5-year-old son are moving across the world to be with this man in Wisconsin. Eric is excited but his biggest concern is that she grew up rich with maids, chefs, and drivers, and he does not have … any of those things.
In Jamaica, we learn that Jay lost his virginity at 8, which is the worst thing I have ever heard, and I listened Teresa Giudice’s audiobook. Jay brags that he has always had a lot of girlfriends. He used to date a woman from Florida that would give him money, but he had to break up with her because he was just using her and also she was actually his father’s girlfriend. I’m sure that Jay is a player, but he also seems to be surrounded by more predators than an episode of Planet Earth. Now, Jay lives with his sister, Poochie, who worries he won’t be able to keep his act together long enough to get American citizenship.
Back in Nevada, Colt’s friends worry about how Larissa could ever be attracted to a computer nerd like him. They think it’s absolutely impossible unless he’s hiding a 12-inch penis. I doubt that … Much like his friends, I suspect Larissa is in this for the visa.
In North Carolina, Jonathan meets up with his friend Dani. Dani points out that it’s weird that Fernanda makes him wear a wedding ring since they are not married. He explains that she gets super jealous and will “cut his throat out.” This is a red flag to all reasonable people, but Jonathan likes that she’s a little “crazy.” I like that if he dies under mysterious circumstances there are at least millions of witnesses.
In Wisconsin, my favorite middle-aged dad, Eric, can’t wait for Leida to move into his two-bedroom apartment. It’s worth mentioning that he currently lives with his daughter Tasha, but he’s making her leave to make room for his new family. His child is rightfully upset about this. Eric is torn because he loves his kids but can’t disappoint the fiancée he barely knows. This isn’t going to end well, especially since Eric hasn’t told Leida anything about his living conditions.
Our OC mom Kalani has dinner with her sister Koloni and this exchange is too confusing for me because their names are similar and I can’t tell them apart. Koloni hates Asuelu because Kalani told Koloni he cheated on her (Kalani). Kalani takes this dinner with her sister Koloni as an opportunity to explain that she was actually lying about Asuelu and he didn’t cheat on her. None of this makes sense! And it’s not just because I don’t know who’s speaking at any given moment.
We head back to Las Vegas where Colt video chats with his fiancée, Larissa, who finally gotten her visa. He bought her a ticket for a plane that departs in two weeks because it was much cheaper than two or three days out. Of course, Larissa is pissed that he’s not flying her out immediately. Her logic is that “you are American” so you can afford anything. He tries to explain to her that he doesn’t have a rocket car or any money at all. I am not really mad at Larissa for being so financially demanding of Colt. She has been very clear with her intentions: She wants his money. The fact that Colt can’t see that is his problem. But fundamentally, the issue here is that these two people do not get along. Like, at all. She won’t even say she loves him when she hangs up the phone. This is because she doesn’t love him.
In Barbaroo, Eric explains that he doesn’t want to choose between his old family and his new family, despite kicking his daughter out of the house they share. This is a case of actions speaking louder than words. Eric has dinner with his ex-wife Tanya and his daughters, who not so subtly suggest that his relationship is weird. Tanya doesn’t understand why he’s not moving to Jakarta if Leida is as has rich as she says she is. Me neither. Leida doesn’t understand why Eric pays child support to Tanya. This is another red flag. How Eric supports his children is none of her business. It seems like Leida is jealous because her ex-husband doesn’t pay child support since there is allegedly no mandate in Indonesia. That sucks for her. But that’s not Tanya’s problem; supporting his kids is literally Eric’s only redeemable quality.
We end this episode with Fernanda finally arriving in America. I’d just like to say that she looks gorgeous in her confessional. Jonathan agrees, because he says he’s most excited about giving her new boobs a test drive. It’s clear Jonathan is in lust with Fernanda, not love. This man must have Peter Pan syndrome because sometimes he sounds younger than his teenage fiancée. Also, Jonathan doesn’t have a bed at his house because he moved into his apartment a couple weeks ago and doesn’t have his furniture yet. There is no excuse for not having a bed if you can afford it. If he has lived in his apartment for more than three days, he should have a bed. But this is not the worst aspect of his living situation. There was a storm and all the power is out at his house. Things look so bleak that Fernanda whispers, “Are you poor?” To make matters even worse, he’s got his ex-girlfriend’s underwear in a drawer. He claims that these are old but why would he move a drawer full of his ex-girlfriend’s underwear with him into a new apartment. This does not add up. Whenever I move, I throw things away. Poor Fernanda. Could you imagine leaving behind your friends and family to come to a new country for the first time and not having a bed or lights? Something tells me this rocky start for Fernanda and Jonathan is just the beginning. Until next time!