American Horror Story
We start this episode in New Orleans, after Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts) and Behold Chablis (Billy Porter) have reported their demonic findings at the Murder House to Cordelia (Sarah Paulson). Cordelia is rightfully terrified of the Antichrist and thus, she decides to take drastic measures to defeat Michael Langdon. This involves her getting in touch with Dinah Stevens (Adina Porter), our voodoo magic practitioner of the group. We know Cordelia is getting involved with trouble because we open on Dinah feeding the bleeding heart of a mistress to the cheating husband to enchant him into only being attracted to his wife. I’d just like to note, there are much easier ways to rekindle your relationship, folks. Hasn’t anyone on this show ever heard of marriage counseling? It’s cheaper than dry cleaning blood out of silk sheets …
It’s after this graphic exchange that Cordelia asks Dinah to connect her with the voodoo devil, Papa Legba (Lance Reddick). I like to think of Dinah as like the LinkedIn of black religious cult magic, except unlike LinkedIn, she won’t do her services for free. In fact, she’s charging $100,000 and she needs it in cash. I respect a hustling witch although this makes me wonder why these supernatural beings need currency when they have magic. Dinah conjures Papa Legba and Cordelia requests that he open the gates of hell to trap Michael Langdon in the underworld. Papa Legba is more than willing to help Cordelia, but it’ll cost her the souls of all her students. This also sounds very expensive, but this is an exchange rate that makes sense to me for witches. They should be bartering on unattainable things like a human’s eternal essence or the wind, not on paper that has no intrinsic value.
Cordelia turns down the deal from the voodoo satan who looks a lot like the bad vampire in Twilight. Dinah thinks Cordelia’s decision is foolish because now not only will Cordelia lose her girl’s souls, but the souls of 6 billion people. Somehow, when Dinah frames it like that, it’s clear Papa Legba was giving Cordelia the friends-and-family discount.
While Cordelia bargain-shops for the apocalypse, Madison seeks out Bubbles McGee (Joan Collins) on the set of some slasher movie about Santa. Come to think of it, I have never seen a horror story set during Christmas, and this fictional movie looks worth watching. Bubbles and Madison join Myrtle (Frances Conroy) for dinner where the two old friends discuss how easy it is to give blow jobs when you have mind-reading abilities. Personally, I would use my telepathic skills to bring world peace, but to each their own. Together, the women conspire to get dinner with the warlocks, Ariel (Jon Jon Briones) and Baldwin (B.D. Wong), to find out their true motives.
Back at Miss Robichaux’s Academy, Coco’s powers are getting stronger. Now, she is not only able to tell whether a food has gluten in it or not, she can also give you it’s exact calorie count. This power is useful to the Venn diagram of people who don’t have internet access on their phone but who also deeply care about their points. Coco is like the Weight Watchers of witches, which isn’t particularly interesting until she chokes on a 90-calorie snowball. This is when we learn that Mallory (Billie Lourd) has the power to reach into a dying person’s throat and rid them of any blockage. Thank goodness this woman has healing abilities because if it were up to Coco’s powers, we’d all be dead. Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) witnesses Mallory’s magic and informs Cordelia that her powers are fading because Mallory is the next Supreme, not because of Michael Langdon.
At the Outpost, or as I call it, Not Hogwarts, Myrtle and Bubbles prepare a meal for Ariel and Baldwin. How these men could not be suspicious of two women they actively despise preparing them a home-cooked meal is beyond me! This must be a case of deep-rooted misogyny if they believe that woman just sporadically cook full Thanksgiving feasts for men they also hate. After a little wine, Myrtle and Bubbles’s scheme goes according to plan when the warlocks mentally admit they killed John Henry (Cheyenne Jackson) and are out to kill the witches too. I, for one, am glad someone acknowledged that John Henry and his goatee just disappeared halfway through the season. The witches go back to their coven with this information and resolve to go to the place of John Henry’s death and resurrect him with Mallory’s newly minted strength. Mallory brings him and his under-eyeliner back to life, proving she can pass the test of the Seven Wonders. It’s then that John Henry informs the witches about who murdered him. This is all the ammunition Cordelia needs to snuff out the warlock nuisance she had been so patiently ignoring.
At this moment, Cordelia needs Coco’s help. Like the rest of the audience, Coco audibly asks why. After all, her powers are the physical manifestation of an FDA label. However, Coco proves to be quite useful when she stalks Miriam Mead (Kathy Bates) in a deli and corners her. For a moment, I thought Coco was way over her head when Miriam shoots her in her chest and laughs about eating her in soup form, but it turns out Coco was the perfect distraction for Miriam — just enough to get her abducted by the pale extras from The Matrix. When Miriam wakes up, she’s beside Ariel and Baldwin, who have had their mouths removed due to their backtalk to Cordelia. I wish I could permanently shut the mouths of any person that said something I didn’t like. Could you imagine how tranquil my world would be? I’d go several days at a time of listening to only the sound of my own voice which sounds like … heaven.
The execution of Miriam, Ariel, and Baldwin is when we see the witches in all their badass glory, carrying lace umbrellas even though there is absolutely no chance of precipitation. Although, I’m sure lace wouldn’t be all too useful in a rainstorm. According to witch rules, Cordelia is not allowed to punish warlocks for treason, so one of their own must do it. This is when John Henry walks back into the scene, goth aesthetic and all, ready to bid adieu to his haters. He gladly pours gasoline on Miriam, which is ironically how she killed him, and then all three evildoers are burned alive. Not before Miriam says that she gladly welcomes death, though. If she loves death so much, she should name three of its albums! But it’s clear Miriam isn’t as excited for eternal damnation as she claims to be because she looks shook. In an act of cruel witchiness, John Henry asks his fellow warlocks if they have any last words, but they can’t answer since their mouths are sewn shut. The warlocks and the satan worshiper burn and the powerful collective of witches (and a warlock, and those pale extras from The Matrix) walks in formation ready to take on the ultimate evil, Michael Langdon.