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Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood Recap: Rumor Has It

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood

Episode 13
Season 5 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating *****

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood

Episode 13
Season 5 Episode 13
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: VH1

We begin this episode with Marcus and A1 meeting to talk about their friends/castmates. It’s been a while since A1 filmed a scene with anyone who isn’t related to him, so I appreciate him getting back into the mix. Marcus tells A1 about how Roccstar was bragging about having sex with Lyrica. This is a game of telephone that will certainly end in a fist fight. A1 responds to this by sharing that he does not care. Good for him! He has a baby on the way, and there are more important things to talk about than rumors, not to be confused with the greatest single of all time, “Rumors” by Lindsay Lohan. A1’s maturity gives me hope in Mona Scott Productions … That is until A1’s mom rolls up in a Big Lots wig and demands a DNA test. Why does she continue to make a fool of herself on this show? She needs to pick up a hobby like gardening or riding motorcycles because supporting role in an unscripted television is not for her.

Nikki hosts a spa day with Moniece, Teairra Mari, and LaBritney. and Moneice and Teairra Mari argue about her relationship with The Man I Shall Not Mention. Teairra Mari wonders why everyone is going to such extreme lengths to find out if she and her ex are still speaking. She is right, the fact that Brooke has cell-phone footage of Teairra in Dallas with The Man I Shall Not Mention, is going above and beyond. It’s one thing to do a cursory Google but it’s a whole other level of invasive if you’re doing black ops recon. Brooke and the rest of the cast need to chill.

Solo Lucci is in the studio with Roccstar working on a rap song about how he’s a great rapper. I’m not going to lie, the beat kind of is not bad. Any progress Solo Lucci and Roccstar made on this rap song about rapping is interrupted when Nikki comes by the studio with LaBritney to confront Solo Lucci about rumors Brooke has been spreading about them sleeping together. This is another game of telephone. Seriously, the cast of Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood has more rumors than all the Pretty Little Liars put together. Nikki denies having sex with Solo Lucci. Solo Lucci swears on his sons that they had sex. This is the most embarrassing conversation between two adults I have ever witnessed. Who cares who either of them has had sex with they are grown consenting adults. To be petty, Nikki drops a bag full of money and tells him to go pay his debts at the strip club because everyone knows he’s poor. The sad part is we watch him pick the money up. Well, it’s actually not sad. I wish someone would insult me and throw thousands of dollars in my face. If that were a possibility, I would get into 1,000 more arguments.

Lyrica and Princess catch up over lunch on baby life. Princess recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Melody. Lyrica is intimidated by the thought of being in labor for 28 hours, but she’s excited to celebrate her gender reveal. Which, by the way Ray J is not invited to. Neither is Brooke. Just to put this into perspective, this gender reveal party is more exclusive than Elton John’s Grammy’s after-party (which I’m positive none of the LHHH cast is invited to).

Teairra Mari and Brooke meet to discuss all the rumors Brooke has been spreading. Brooke says they are not rumors if they are true and I’m looking in the dictionary for this definition, because talking behind someone’s back is a rumor no matter the veracity. Ultimately, Brooke says she can’t support Teairra Mari because her actions suggest she still loves The Man I Shall Not Mention. Teairra Mari says that even if she did love this man (which she doesn’t) it shouldn’t matter. I have to agree with Teairra that these women are bending over backward to side with someone who has proven to be a lowdown dirty dude.

We see Li’l Fizz for the first time in 13 episodes and honestly I thought he had moved. He’s meeting with AD to talk about Moniece. This conversation is about nine episodes too late because we’ve all moved on from him dating Tiffany, AD’s ex. Who?! Fizz complains about Moniece “blowing up his phone” to talk to her son, while she was in London, and I’m confused as to why this is a big deal. Parents check on their children, this is a tradition as old as unsightly mustaches on aging R&B stars.

Shun Love drives with Apple Watts to the county jail where she’s supposed to serve her 30-day sentence. Shun Love claims to have a team of lawyers working around the clock to get Apple’s sentence shortened … which I don’t know how much you can shave off 30 days, but hopefully Apple is not spending too much time away from her young children. The two women discuss Apple’s deadbeat father and it’s clear he’s not working his way into her inner circle anytime soon. Good!

Princess and Marcus are at Lyrica’s gender-reveal party without their significant others. This gender reveal is the perfect stage for drama with no drama at all. A1 has convinced himself he doesn’t care what people are saying about his unborn child, even though his mom wants him to get a DNA test. Lyrica G and A1’s mother ( I forgot her name so let’s just call her B12) say they are going to keep it cordial despite not agreeing with their children. I’m not sure Lyrica G and B12 understand that having a baby is not like marriage. There’s no speak now or forever hold your peace. Once the baby is born, it’s here forever! Which reminds me, A1 and Lyrica just spent thousands of dollars on a party where they shoot blue paint at each other to tell their friends and family they are having a boy. What in the Nerf gun kind of immature announcement is this? I have seen more poise and dignity at a Chuck E. Cheese’s than I did watching these two dressed in paint hazmat suits. It could not have been more anti-climactic, but I am glad that A1 and Lyrica are happy.

Fizz and Moniece meet in an empty park to discuss parenting. Moniece is annoyed with Fizz because he wasn’t picking up the phone while she was in Europe and her son’s phone was dead. Again, I feel like this is a fair complaint coming from a mother. Sure, it’s annoying! But moms are annoying. That’s kind of the whole gig when it comes to keeping you safe and loving you. Fizz finally apologizes for portraying Moneice as a deadbeat mother and this apology couldn’t come sooner. I’m glad they hamfistedly fit him into this season’s plot to give her that, because it’s not cool to insult the mother of your children for trying to get her life together. Also, he doesn’t deserve brownie points for taking care of his kids because in the words of Chris Rock, that’s what he’s supposed to do.

Solo Lucci, Roccstar, and Marcus meeting in a barbershop to argue about more rumors. I have no idea why anyone would want to argue while their barber gives them a shape-up. If Solo Lucci is not careful he’s going to get too excited and get the golden arches shaved into his hairline. The most infuriating moment is when Roccstar declares he’s not going around telling anybody’s business when all he does is go around and tells people’s business. This man gives me an aneurysm. He wants to joke about having sex with another man’s wife and then get confused when that rumor comes back around. The absolute nerve!

Last we have Teairra Mari who is giving us her best Olivia Pope impression. She sits in a park in all white and texts The Man I Shall Not Mention. In her confessional she explains she wouldn’t judge people for the stupid things they do, so they shouldn’t judge her for the stupid things she does. Well! I’m glad she admits what she’s doing is stupid. I’m not going to blame her for going back to Satan but I will say this wouldn’t have happened if she had a real support system to turn to instead of the group of reality personalities who get paid to make her cry on a weekly basis! Until next week.

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood Recap: Rumor Has It