I have made a terrible mistake. I have been recapping this show with the assumption that while the characters of Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood are deeply flawed, they are compelling human beings that present dynamic perspectives on blackness, femininity, and artistry. I was wrong. I now realize for my emotional well-being in this dark political age, I cannot take these hot messes seriously. I admit, I am naïve. I should’ve suspected that something was wrong with these people when Moneice tried to throw a chair at a pregnant woman named “Princess.” But, I was blinded by the audacity of hope, believing that I could apply social commentary to any social experiment — even a Mona Scott Production. I tried and I have failed. I am done being hurt. From now until the end of Mona’s reign as the queen of trash TV, I will be treating the cast as the messes they are … starting now!
Apple Watts meets with her dad at church where they discuss her contract with Shun Love and his apprehension about her signing any legally binding document from this woman. The music industry is notorious for exploitative contracts — just ask Toni Braxton, TLC, JoJo of “Get Out Leave” fame — so Apple Watts’s dad has a point. Apple Watts shouldn’t sign anything this major unless she has a personal lawyer present, but this woman is not known for making good decisions. In fact, she is about to go to jail for 30 days because she skipped out on court. Whoopsies! Now, there will be no one in her stead to provide for her small children. When she brought this up, I thought her father was going to offer to take care of her kids, but that would be too kind, too simple. He has no interest in actually helping her, just making sure he gets a cut of the pie if (and when) she blows up like Cardi B. He is a mess.
The ladies, believe it or not, are still in London. They have been in London for 14 years. How long is this trip? Does production cover living expenses? Does anyone have a job that isn’t being on reality TV? If I left the country for that long, my life would fall apart, and I have no children or real responsibilities to worry about. But … I digress. Bridget has a photo shoot and it’s clear her look is pulled straight off of Kylie Jenner’s Instagram. The way that Bridget’s album sounds does not in any way reflect the way that she’s currently dressed (although, I’m okay with Bridget bringing sexy back to aunty music). Brooke takes this photo shoot as an opportunity to tell Moniece that she hopped on her record when she was being escorted out of the studio on an ambulance stretcher.
Now, I could go into how Brooke is a supreme villain who doesn’t seem to value female friendships, but, again, I have emotionally divested. This conversation is so absurd and I’m surprised Moneice didn’t pull Brooke by her box braids. Moneice has lost the energy that made her compelling on the show in the first place. By that I mean, she’s become a mature rational adult that thinks through the consequences of her actions before doing something rash (like throwing a chair at a pregnant woman). This is good for her personal growth, but boring for the show. The old me would be proud of Moneice but the new me needs more drama to snuff out the pain I feel when I turn on the news. Brooke is handing Moneice a story line on a silver platter, and she chooses to figuratively spit in her face (ironically, literally spiting in Brooke’s face would be a more compelling plot device).
Jaywill and Mr. Ray meet to discuss the Pride performance that La’Britney dropped out of. Now, I could note that it’s misogynistic for them to mock the smell of La’Britney’s vagina but there are not enough days in the calendar year to check the Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood cast’s sexism. Next!
Teairra and Moneice continue an argument from last week’s episode about Moneice’s friendship with K. Michelle. Teairra doesn’t believe that Moneice can be a real friend to her if K. Michelle is in contact with Akbar. Thus, Teairra is pulling back from their friendship. Moneice is pulling back from their friendship because Teairra said she’s pulling back from their friendship. This argument is childish but at its core its about loyalty. As someone that has decided to pull back from my fictional friendship with the LHHH cast, I don’t care about this drama because these women weren’t really friends in the first place. Next!
On the other side of the Atlantic, Apple’s absentee father meets with Shun Love. He has no business reaching out to Shun Love because Apple has already signed with her. If he’s really skeptical of Apple trusting someone she just met, he needs to look in the mirror because Apple just met him … No shade … The grossest part of this scene is when Shun Love invites John Watts to help financially support his child, he demands to know what’s in it for him. He then goes on to question whether Sweet Honey Crisp Apple Watt is his biological child. This is a disgusting mess. He has no business in Apple’s life or on my TV screen. Next!
Finally back in Los Angeles, Brooke meets with Akbar to discuss whether Teairra is lying about the revenge porn. I hate this story line because it sets up this false narrative that women routinely lie about abuse. Why are we giving such a huge platform to such a bad man? I have nothing more to say except revenge porn is sexual abuse and only 2% of all rape and related sex charges are determined to be false. A mess. Next!
Paris is shooting a movie with Amara La Negra. A mess! Next!
Jaywill shows up to Mr. Ray’s Pride event as Kandi. I’ve never seen a Pride event so sparsely attended. Mona Scott Productions needs to invest in background actors because this fake event is not very convincing. Despite these shortcomings, this is one of the best scenes in the episode. Kandi publicly shames Mr. Ray for not letting him perform as Jaywill. When Mr. Ray calls him unprofessional, Kandi retorts, “How can you know unprofessional when you don’t have a profession?” This is a great comeback and I will be sure to use it in all the arguments I replay in my head. Next!
Last, we have K. Michelle and Paris arguing over CreditCard-gate. The simple story is that Paris had K. Michelle’s Uber installed on her phone and used it multiple times — whether she spent $50 or $300, that’s unclear. But she does not dispute spending K. Michelle’s money. The sad part is that judging from these two women’s rapport they were at one point very close. This misunderstanding has driven them apart, and Paris offers to pay K. Michelle back. K. Michelle refuses, retrieving her bank statements to list Paris’s fraudulent charges aloud. This is mean, but it’s great television! Paris responds by throwing juice at K. Michelle. Kimberly quips the best line of the episode, “She almost hit my new nose!” It’s a testament to everything Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood represents. It’s superficial, violent, and self-aware with a sense of humor. Until next time!