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Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood Recap: Family Feud

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood

Bad Grandmas
Season 5 Episode 11
Editor’s Rating *****

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood

Bad Grandmas
Season 5 Episode 11
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: VH1

Is Teairra Mari our generation’s Maya Angelou? Absolutely not. In fact, Maya is rolling in her grave because of that insulting comparison. But I stand by the notion that Teairra Mari is the Maya Angelou of Love & Hip Hop franchises based in Hollywood because she is rife with well-worded wisdom this season. We begin this episode with Teairra Mari declaring that, “Abuse is abuse is abuse.” While this is a simple statement, it bares repeating. Teairra could not be clearer on the abuse she suffered at the hands of Akbar and his cult of sister wives. Anyone who chooses to associate with him is trash of the highest order (think the garbage island off the coast of California). Thus, Kimberly Michelle is garbage. This is why you never trust a person with two first names (case in point: Paul Ryan).

K. Michelle has been flirting with Akbar via Instagram Live which is a sentence that did not exist five years ago. Teairra isn’t entirely surprised but she is definitely hurt, and she hopes that when she sees Kimberly in the streets, she “keeps the same energy.” For those readers that don’t listen to rap music, read Twitter, or know any black people — (but do happen to read the Love & Hip Hop recaps!) understand that “keep the same energy” means to be consistent with your behavior. For example, I think Nickelback is the worst band in human history. To keep the same energy, if I ever met Chad Kroeger I would have to tell him I think he’s untalented. But I would never do this, thus I am not keeping the same energy. But I digress… Point is K. Michelle is a bad person for seeing Akbar, and if Moniece defends her friend, she’s not a very good person either.

At a restaurant somewhere in downtown L.A., Ray J and Roccstar bond over being parents. Ray J invites Rocc to Father Figure Friday, an event where grown men act like children and go go-kart racing. There is truly nothing mature about this event. Solo Lucci, who is someone’s parent, gossips about having sex with Nikki Baby — a detail that he brought up literally out of nowhere. RoccStar, who is someone’s parent, brags about riding another man’s wife. Ray J, who is a new parent, jokes about the paternity of Lyrica’s unborn child. Now, I am in no place to judge these men, I don’t have children and I know that no parent is perfect … but, I do have a keyboard and many opinions! These men are not behaving like shining examples of fatherhood. If I had to rate them on a scale of Uncle Phil to Darth Vader, I would give them a 7.

The only glimmer of hope is Marcus Black, the man I previously thought existed as exclusively a foil to Brooke’s insanity, whom I now embrace as the sole moral code of the men on this show. He has the dignity to say he’s not going to laugh about the paternity of a friend’s unborn child because it’s mean. Instead, he chooses to remove himself from the conversation to do some go-karting. Again, this is not the most mature scenario for these men … I would like to personally thank Marcus for doing the bare minimum. I don’t mean this to come off as rude. All these men had to do to seem like upstanding father figures was literally not mock a pregnant woman. Unfortunately, they couldn’t even do that. So Marcus, thank you, you are a beacon of hope in a sea of assholes.

Still in London, the ladies decide to attend a high tea. A pleasant afternoon of eating finger foods goes left when for some reason (read: a good producer), La’Britney suggests they play a game of Never Have I Ever. Now, why would these grown women play a game designed for teenagers discovering their sexual competency? I have no idea. And in true fashion with every game of Never Have I Ever that’s ever been played, someone leaves with their feelings hurt.

Nikki tries to get Brooke to say she has had a threesome — Brooke refuses. Brooke tries to get Nikki to say she’s sleeping with Solo Lucci — Nikki refuses. Tea time ends when Moniece complains about the women always going for the jugular when they are supposed to behave like friends. Moniece is right. I would never entertain friends that treated me the way the cast of Love & Hip Hop treats each other. Hell, I would cut off a friend that didn’t tell me they liked my new bangs as soon as they noticed I got a haircut. But this is not how Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood works. If cast members don’t try to hurt each other, there is no conflict. I don’t make the rules, I just write recaps on a weekly basis. If Moniece doesn’t like the tension, she should develop a show for HGTV where the biggest drama is if a first-time home purchaser with generational wealth will be able to afford a new home. (Spoiler alert: The answer is always yes!)

This same advice goes for Nikki, who decides to leave the trip early following the high tea’s low drama. Her brother passed away three years ago and she’s still reeling from this. I sympathize with Nikki, I’m sure it’s not easy to deal with the death of a family member. However, it’s alarmingly clear that she is not as invested in this season of LHHH. That’s okay! Octavia Butler was never invested in a reality show, and she went on to do great things. Maybe it’s time for Nikki to call it quits and go on to write the greatest speculative fiction of a generation. (Okay, I don’t think Nikki is capable of that, but my point is she doesn’t have to be on this show, and if it’s too hard for her emotionally — she shouldn’t!).

America’s Sweetheart, Apple Watts attends therapy where she opens up about being abused while she was in foster care. As a result, she doesn’t feel ready to build a relationship with her father because it was his fault she was in foster care in the first place. I see no lies here. Apple Watts deserves to take as much time as she wants to heal from these past traumas. She doesn’t owe her father an explanation for why she lashes out, and he would be lucky if she let him back in her life. These scenes are so dark and heavy but I hope they encourage viewers to seek mental-health treatment, because therapy works.

Finally, at some beach house rented by Mona Scott Productions, A1 and Lyrica work to get their mothers to mend their relationship. Although mending a relationship would suggest that these women have ever liked each other, and they haven’t. Before we get into the nonsensical reason these mothers-in-law are beefing like a well-done cheeseburger, I should note the Jay-Z lyric in “Family Feud”: “A man that doesn’t take care of his family can’t be rich.” (I’m sure this quote is from several other places including all three Godfather movies, but I heard it first on 4:44).

Lyrica G and Pam have Party City wigs. I say this with love, not to point out their shortcomings but to point out the malicious neglect from their children. Lyrica and A1 have no business having their mothers on TV if they can’t make sure to get them proper hair and makeup. It’s shameful and its borders on elder abuse. Especially since all Lyrica G and Pam do is wrestle. This time, the mamas agreed to get along for the sake of their new grandchild. Now for most well-adjusted adults, this would be the conclusion of their arguing. But, nay, this is Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood where conflict is “yas queen”! The two middle-aged women start physically fighting again when A1’s mother asks for the 17th time whether Lyrica’s child belongs to him. This makes me sad not because this family can’t get along but because Lyrica and A1 have their parents on TV looking an absolute hot mess. But I guess, they make good TV and that’s what all this is about … right? Until next week!

Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood Recap: Family Feud