The Real Housewives of Dallas
Professional event co-host Kameron has invited some of her gal pals to the opening of a charity friend’s boutique. Kam is, after all, a true “fashionista,” which you can tell because she pronounces it fashion-iss-ta, not ees-ta.
At the opening, LeeAnne airs her various D’Andra-related complaints to Cary, having apparently forgotten all the not-so-nice things she said about Cary’s husband, and the oral whereabouts of his penis, just last year.
“I feel like people need to be more conscious of their words,” Cary begins to say, more diplomatic than she is karmically required to be.
“But they’re not,” interrupts LeeAnne, who you might say is not being conscious of her words.
Anyway, LeeAnne would like everyone to know she’s being “bullied.” (By my math, she is the second most bullied person in the world.) While she’s at it, she labels Brandi a “drunk” and an “alcoholic” — at least, I think she does? I sense some Slap Chop™ editing went into this scene.
If only RHOD had the reenactment budget of a Forensic Files or a Homicide Hunter, because I’d love to see the sad scene LeeAnne describes in a confessional rendered in all its big-hair, ’80s glory: “I spent my high school years with my head in the locker, crying. Because girls were mean. I’m not going to stick my head back in the fucking locker again, people.” This woman paints pictures with words and I really do treasure her.
Tomorrow, LeeAnne and D’Andra will be forced into close proximity at Dee’s compulsory cooking lesson. “Somebody else is going to die; it sure the fuck won’t be me,” LeeAnne predicts, and excuse me, just a second, but why is someone definitely dying in this scenario? What if no one died? And are we really, really 100 percent positive it’s a good idea to give LeeAnne a knife?
Cary’s plan to reconnect with her father by spending no actual time with him and instead seeking out other people who are not him is going well! In the early ’90s, we learn, Cary’s dad found some distant Danish family members via an article he had published in a local newspaper. Now, Cary’s musician cousin, Camilla, has an album release party and concert coming up that she’d love her favorite American relative with a national television platform to attend. Oh my God, is this a backdoor pilot for The Real Husmødre of Copenhagen? Is Cary related to Scandinavia’s Erika Jayne? (This is a trick question. Erika Jayne is every country’s Erika Jayne.) Of course, Mark has a schedule conflict, blah, blah, blah, who cares, so why doesn’t Cary invite all her friends? It’s not like she’s fetching her late husband’s cremains or something.
They FaceTime with Cary’s parents to share the good news. “I’m happy,” her dad says, neutrally. Mark calls this the best conversation he’s seen his wife have with his father-in-law since they got married, which, hoo, boy.
Stephanie continues to panic about Travis’s impending one-month edu-vacation to Harvard. But diamonds are a girl’s best anxiety reliever, next to Ativan. Brandi and Bruin help Travis pick out a ring for Stephanie as a gift for their 10-year vow renewal next week. (Odd that they didn’t wait for the traditional 17-year vow renewal, no?) This $41,500 eternity band should do the trick! The baby demonstrates his approval by passing gas with a beatific smile on his face.
Have I mentioned my extremely good idea for a remake of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? starring Dee Simmons and Patricia Altschul? Then, in a few years, Ryan Murphy can make season 17 of Feud about it. Dee’s cooking class is upon us, held at the home of her best friend of 40 years. The male partners are on hand, too, plus Kameron and Court brought along Westcott family matriarch Jimmy.
“Men love good cooks,” Dee pronounces; as a counterpoint, in a confessional, LeeAnne mimes a blow job. The women chop onions, deseed bell peppers, line their loaf pans with bacon, and top the meat with pretty much the entire contents of an extremely fart-y bottle of ketchup. The pre-baking dish looks like dog food, they all agree, so maybe Kameron will be inspired to expand her product line.
D’Andra and LeeAnne argue for a few minutes about the semantic distinction between LeeAnne saying D’Andra has an alcohol problem and LeeAnne expressing her concerns about D’Andra’s alcohol consumption. When Dee takes LeeAnne aside to encourage her to save the friendship (and LeeAnne, you guessed it, expresses her concerns about D’Andra’s alcohol consumption), D’Anda nervously eats a cookie directly off a baking sheet. The upside of cooking lessons with your nemesis is that the stress eating couldn’t be more convenient.
She should have taken a second cookie when she had the chance. Kameron and Jimmy sit down with D’Andra to ambush her with a warning to be “cautious” about her behavior, because Dallas society will always talk. “When you do march to this different drummer, you can get criticized,” Jimmy says, recalling a time she warned Kameron to spurn a friend whose reputation she deemed unsuitable. D’Andra takes the three-inch logical leap required to suspect Jimmy was specifically invited to give her a verbal time-out.
As everyone tucks into their six-sticks-of-butter mashed potatoes, Dee — who, I feel it is important that you know, is wearing an apron embroidered with “#MamaDee” — stands up to give a speech. “Every moment together is a miracle,” she says, so choose your friends wisely and appreciate the time you get with them. But if LeeAnne is ever going to make a fight-ending overture to D’Andra, or D’Andra to LeeAnne, it ain’t happening now.
Someone has painted a mural based on a striking picture that fancy, esteemed photographer Jeremy took of Marines break dancing in Djibouti (activate storyline Mad Libs!), so of course there is a reveal party. I’m surprised there’s isn’t a reveal party every time a Friend of the Housewives drops a relatively handsome turd. Everyone’s there to support D’Andra and her husband, except Brandi, who has flaked for baby-related reasons, and LeeAnne, who’s at a fashion show. (That said, Rich made it. Separate lives! SEPARATE LIVES!)
D’Andra has been quietly steaming about Kameron’s enlisting Jimmy to reprimand her since the cooking lesson. “I don’t bring my mother to the dogfight,” she says, even though her mother technically was there, too, but sure, I get what she means. “I fight the fight myself.” But when D’Andra explains that her feelings were hurt, Kameron interprets this statement as wildly rude, despite the fact that D’Andra doesn’t actually say a single bad thing about Jimmy.
“I am disgusted she’s even bringing my mother-in-law into the situation,” says Kameron in a confessional, who you might say brought her own mother-in-law into the situation.
“I’m actually really shocked you were offended by it … That’s, like, insane. I’m offended,” says Kameron, more than a little melodramatically. But this is “nobody’s business,” D’Andra protests, a phrase that might as well serve as the subtitle for season three of The Real Housewives of Dallas.
Kameron leaves in a huff. “I’m completely done,” she tells Cary outside. “She’s being a crazy bitch.” I agree that someone is definitely being a crazy bitch, but I think Kam and I would differ on exactly whom that someone is.