90 Day Fiancé
I cannot go further in my 90 Day Fiancé recaps without first acknowledging the elephant in the room: Colt’s temperament.
There are many viewers online who believe this man to be a garden variety Patrick Bateman waiting for his opportunity to wear Larissa’s skin. I never really subscribed to this narrative because I’m positive Colt’s mom Deb would refuse to drive him anywhere to dispose of the body. However, this week, there was a new revelation: The real reason Colt speaks in a soft and eerie tone is because he is suppressing his insatiable sex drive. By day, Colt is a mild-mannered mother’s boy but by night … he is hornier than the ghost of Hugh Hefner at an animal-themed costume shop.
We learn this when Larissa meets Colt’s offensive cousin, John, who prods the odd couple about how they express their love to each other. Larissa cooks and cleans for him and Colt just wants to have sex. The way that Larissa divulges that — “Colt has a great sexual drive” — is filled with so much disgust and disdain for her fiancé, it’s clear that, much to her chagrin, he’s trying to poke her with his stick several times an evening. This is because Colt dreams of a sexualized wife, which we all know Larissa is not. You see, Larissa is more of the partner that will take all your money and possessions and leave you with nothing, which is why Colt won’t trust her with his credit card and Deb won’t trust her to pick out a sectional at the furniture store.
On the other side of the world, Olga is about to have the baby and Steven is acting like one. He has this rare condition where every experience Olga lives through affects him personally and worse. If Olga has contractions, well, those contractions are a manifestation of the pain Steven will feel raising a child for the first time with no experience. If Olga’s feet are swelling, well, it’s not as much as Steven’s heart swells at the thought of having a son.
Honestly, Steven loves Olga and his son, but he’s too caught up in the id of his psychological development. This is exactly why, when the prospect arises that he may not be allowed into the delivery room to see his son’s birth, his first reaction is to threaten a temper tantrum. This is love, but it is the way that toddlers express love, and unfortunately, with a child on the way, he needs to grow up.
I desperately want to like Eric because he seems like a decent enough guy, but he’s hell-bent on upholding an elaborate ruse to make Leida’s family believe he’ll be a good provider for Leida and her son, Alessandro. There is no point in Eric’s trying to keep up with the Joneses when he can barely even keep up with his own lies. Eric has moved Leida’s family into an Airbnb that is not up to their standards because Eric does not have money. This is going to be a recurring problem until Eric swallows his pride and admits that he does not have any money! Leida’s family is going to hate everything about him until the other shoe drops and Leida accepts that her marrying the love of her life means a financial downgrade.
In the meantime, Eric is going to keep making excuses for why Leida’s family can’t see his condo. But they will eventually, and when they do they will react exactly like Leida, who goes into hysterics. She walks into the house and literally screams, “What the f— is this?” And I can’t blame her. There’s trash and clothes everywhere, and a very convincing fly sound effect provided by the editing team. While Eric can blame his daughter, Tasha, for leaving the place a mess on purpose, he has no one to blame for owning a twin bed as a grown man. Eric doesn’t even have a real couch. He should be terrified of what her family will think … which is why I believe that instead of hosting an awkward family meet-and-greet between his ex-wife, Tasha, and Leida, Eric should have a Finances Reveal Party™ where he comes clean about all the money he doesn’t have.
Back in Maryland, which is like the Jamaica of the eastern seaboard, Ashley brings Jay to a house party to welcome him to the United States. It’s at this moment that I understand exactly why Ashley and Jay get along. Though Ashley is in her early 30s, she lives spiritually as a college sorority pledge, which is why she connects so well with Jay, a man who was 19 a couple weeks ago. At this party, Ashley’s friend Natalie confronts Jay about cheating. Jay handles this well by removing himself from the conversation to avoid drama. Ashley does not handle this well. Instead, she cuts her childhood best friend out of her life permanently. This comes up when Ashley and her bridesmaids go dress shopping and she informs the store clerk (who does not care or need to know) that Natalie betrayed her and thus wouldn’t be in the wedding. Unsurprisingly, Ashley’s bridesmaids don’t disagree with Natalie’s sentiment but are too afraid to stop Ashley from ruining her life and wasting another $60,000 on a wedding she might not go through with.
It’s time we visit my sweet Asuelu, who is beautiful on the inside and out. If it sounds like I have a bias towards Asuelu, it’s because I do. He doesn’t deserve the treatment Kalani’s family has been giving him and I fear for his emotional health. Their biggest issue is whether Asuelu will provide for Kalani and their son, Oliver. Asuelu should support his family but he literally just got to the country a week ago. Also, with his visa application, he’s not legally allowed to work, so I’m not sure what Kalani expects from him. No one told her to quit her job so she could spend more time with her family, that’s just a bad financial strategy. Lucky for her, she has generational wealth, which allows her to casually live in her parents’ five-bedroom vacation home in Utah. I’m so jealous of this financial security, you have no idea. I routinely go on Tinder to get free food.
Side note: my favorite part of this conversation is when Asuelu says that Kalani can’t resist his “I’m-sexy moves.” Goodness, I love his pure heart. I, however, am not in love with Koloni, not to be confused with Kalani. She sits Asuelu down to educate him on why she hates him. Asuelu doesn’t owe her this incredibly rude conversation, especially when the context for this story begins with Kalani telling him, “She doesn’t date brown guys, just white guys” … which is racist. I hate this scene, but we get the pleasure of seeing Asuelu try wine for the first time. I love to watch him grow and experience new things in our beautiful country. I love Asuelu. I love him so much.
Lastly, we have Fernanda, whose biggest flaw seems to be taking too long to get ready. Conversely, she’s marrying a man-child who informed his mother of his engagement via social media. This week, Jonathan takes Fernanda to Myrtle Beach, which is a huge relief to Fernanda since she misses her home in Mexico dearly. Here, Jonathan attempts to plan the wedding, which Fernanda refuses to allow because she hasn’t met Jonathan’s family. He is trepidatious about this because “his mother is a jealous woman.” I don’t know what that means. Is there some prerequisite that every man on 90 Day Fiancé has to have an Oedipal complex? Or is this just a coincidence? Either way, we set the groundwork for Fernanda to meet Jonathan’s difficult extended family.
In the meantime, Jonathan and Fernanda go to an 18-plus club because, if you remember, Fernanda is not old enough to drink. Jonathan gets too drunk while Fernanda remains sober, a dynamic that would rock even the strongest of couples. Dealing with a drunk significant other is like trying to keep a sleepy dog from walking into a wall — it takes more effort than it should and no one thanks you. Ultimately, things hit the fan when Fernanda steps away and comes back to see Jonathan with another woman. In Jonathan’s defense, he did tell this blonde stranger that he was engaged and couldn’t dance. This, however is not enough for Fernanda, who technically assaults the girl and makes a scene outside of the club. It’s all very juvenile but it’s the type of juvenile love we all dream of … right? Until next time.