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90 Day Fiancé Recap: Stress Test

90 Day Fiancé

Not What I Thought
Season 6 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating *****

90 Day Fiancé

Not What I Thought
Season 6 Episode 5
Editor’s Rating *****
Photo: TLC

Are episodes of reality TV supposed to give me severe anxiety? Because my blood pressure is so high after watching this episode.

We start this iteration of 90 Day Fiancé with Jonathan chasing after Fernanda in the parking lot of an 18-and-up bar. To say that things have taken a bleak turn would be the understatement of the year. The two are arguing so loudly outside of Jonathan’s car that the police pull up and Jonathan has to wave them off. (White privilege is having a very public domestic dispute that passersby dismiss as casual discussion.) Jonathan believes that Fernanda is acting immaturely, although truth be told, he’s the one arguing with a literal teenager. While I think Fernanda’s reaction to his (not) dancing with another woman was overblown, I can’t blame her for being suspicious of a fiancé whose drawers were full of more women’s underwear than a Victoria’s Secret fashion show.

Eventually, Fernanda stops crying over Jonathan when she realizes she’s ruining her makeup, which “she pays a lot of money for with his card.” The two very attractive people reconcile and they are back on the path to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. They even go as far as to practically simulate sex while they’re at the gym. It makes me so uncomfortable to see them moaning and groaning as if they aren’t in public while dozens of people have stopped their workouts to watch them get off. However, my discomfort doesn’t compare to Fernanda’s when she finds out that Jonathan’s family knows nothing about her or their engagement.

Somewhere in Russia, Steven wants us to know that the baby is too big to breach Olga’s small hips and thus she will have to have a C-section. Now, I believe that the female body is beautiful in all its tenacity and majesty, but I absolutely do not want to see this invasive surgery on my television screen. Honestly, if I wanted to see a woman’s insides, I’d watch Law and Order SVU. I come to 90 Day Fiancé to see sad people get married, and this intimate moment is too much for me.

This baby, whom Steven and Olga name Ritchie, is 4 kilometers long, because Steven is not well-versed in the metric system. And while Steven is excited to be a father, he is not emotionally equipped to be an adult. Immediately after Olga has had major surgery, Steven begins verbally abusing the mother of his child. Somehow everything she does is wrong: she moves too slowly, she is too bossy, she talks to him too sternly. Steven treats performing simple tasks like washing his hands as an insurmountable obstacle. If I was Steven watching back on this episode, I would be ashamed of myself. In the same breath that he says he has an anger problem, he also says that he doesn’t want to get into a toxic relationship with Olga, completely oblivious to the fact that the problem is him! The only relief I find in these scenes is that Olga is a strong woman who isn’t afraid to call Steven an asshole.

In the most beautiful place on earth, otherwise known as Las Vegas, Nevada, Larissa and Colt hope to buy a used car. Larissa is objectively a horrible person but what I love about her is that she wants to make 70 percent of the financial decision making while bringing in zero percent of the dollars. This is an outrageous statement to make, but I have to commend her for her boldness. Larissa wants a car that matches her hair and has an air conditioner, which is such a basic request that it should be easy to find. Yet Colt struggles to meet her wants, refusing to spend more than $10,000 on the necessity.

Colt can’t afford Larissa and I don’t know why they are together, but despite all logic and reason, Colt tells his mother he’s going to re-propose to her. Deb passive-aggressively tells him that he will have an interesting life which … isn’t a compliment. Colt responds by saying he loves Larissa enough to put up with her crap, which … also is not a compliment. And, now that Larissa is joining the family, she will be added to Colt and Deb’s joint bank account. Personally, I would not trust Larissa to hold ten cents, but if Colt and Deb want to begrudgingly watch a stranger spend their life savings, that’s their business. I don’t understand why everyone just doesn’t get their own bank account: they are easy to start, and for free, if you go to the right bank.

For the engagement, Colt takes Larissa to one of the highest points in Las Vegas, despite her being desperately afraid of heights. But this experience is more for Colt than it is for Larissa if we’re being honest. The weird part is that when he proposes, Colt puts the engagement ring on the wrong finger, as if he’s never seen a movie or met a married human woman before. Larissa thinks the ring is a beautiful symbol of the fact that Colt will stand by her side when she wants to bully her mother-in-law.

In Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, Ashley and Jay live out the plot of Get Out. The interracial couple go to the food market, where everyone is staring at Jay because he is the only black person in the tri-county area. Having come from Jamaica, a majority black country, this makes Jay deeply uncomfortable. The only thing that can soothe him is pickles. Jay vocalizes his fear of police brutality, and his fiancé dismisses his worries as something they’re going to have to get used to. Jay corrects her, saying she’ll be fine, but he’ll have to get used to it himself. This complicated scene on race and assimilation is contrasted by Jay’s visit to GQ Barbershop, which is patronized and managed by men of color. After hearing his story, Jay’s barber tries to convince him to not get married. Ultimately, Jay admits that he doesn’t want to get married but says he has no choice because of the way the visa process works. I’m not sure why he would admit this on national television, but to each their own.

Kalani and Asuelu are on the road to their new life at her parent’s vacation home in Utah. The couple seems to be getting along well until the baby starts crying. This is when Asuelu makes the foolish mistake of taking his son out of the car seat while Kalani is driving, which sends Kalani into a blackout rage. In Asuelu’s defense, I didn’t know this was a thing you couldn’t do in America, and I’m sure a man who thinks cars cost $100 and picked coconuts for a living was equally oblivious. Everything about this scene stressed me out and I had to pause my television several times to get through all the tension. Naturally, Aseulu is hurt because Kalani yelled at him. While I think Kalani is mean, I’ll give her a pass for this because she’s just being protective of her child. I imagine that when I have children I will verbally berate anyone who even breathes at my child incorrectly.

What’s worse is that when Kalani tries to apologize, Asuelu puts his fingers in his ears. Why is every man on this show an emotionally stunted adult? Kalani was wrong, but Aseulu should at least hear her apology. But he feels like she treats him like a child, which is kind of true. After driving in silence for probably 34 hours, Kalani and Asuelu eventually make it to the vacation home, where they are greeted by Kalani’s brother, Nick. I hate Nick because he says Asuelu is way too long a name for him to remember. As someone with a foreign name, I find this disrespectful — “Asuelu” has six letters, it’s literally exactly as long as “Kalani.” Nick adds insult to injury when he gives Asuelu a condom to prevent more “accidents” like the nephew he is currently holding. Asuelu hilariously (and terrifyingly) says he’s never used a condom before. Apparently Asuelu believes condoms are for “slut people.” This is just an ignorant way to think, but thankfully Kalani blesses us with the line, “Slut people don’t use condoms, smart people use condoms.”

We finally get to Leida and Eric in Barbaroo, Wisconsin, home of a recent racist incident involving a senior class photo. While Eric is at work, Leida shows her family his disgusting apartment, which makes me sad. Leida’s father just walks around the living arrangement sighing, “Oh … ” In his confessional, when asked about Eric’s condo, Leida’s father says he has no comment. My sun, my moon, my queen, Reina makes Leida cry when she gives her a reality check about Eric’s finances. Leida isn’t being very realistic about her future with Eric and I strongly believe she should stay in Indonesia. Yet regardless of what logic and reason dictate, Leida decides to stay in the U.S. with her sweaty fiancé. Leida’s father offers Eric money to find a new more suitable place to live, which Eric turns down despite needing it. Eric has too much pride, but pride won’t pay for Alessandro’s tuition. Until next time …

90 Day Fiancé Recap: Stress Test