90 Day Fiancé
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good people to say nothing. I don’t want to be on the wrong side of history, so it’s with a heavy heart that I must speak up: Why is Eric so sweaty? Every time this man gets on camera he looks like he just did the ice bucket challenge. I can’t tell if Eric has overactive glands or if he’s just nervous, but something needs to change. (I say this as someone who sweats profusely, which is why I don’t wear gray bodycon.) Eric needs to start wearing hats, because he is so damp his hair sticks to his forehead. Sorry for the digression but it’s something I cannot ignore any longer.
This week, Leida bids farewell to her family as she commits to a very damp life in Baraboo, Wisconsin. Back at Eric’s rented apartment, she is miserable. Leida wants her son to have his own room, but that would mean evicting Eric’s daughter, Tasha, who looks like an EDM DJ with a serotonin deficiency. Eric won’t put his daughter out on the street, which is technically the bare minimum of parenting. Unfortunately, Leida does not want to be a parent to this grown woman. When Tasha greets Leida, Leida just looks past her, probably thinking of all the life decisions that led her to this palace of perspiration. This prompts Tasha to channel a Real Housewife and offer a non-apology to Leida for the mess, saying, “Sorry you felt that way.” Then, when Leida demands that she moves out, Tasha notes that her name is on the lease, so it’s not going to happen until she’s good and ready. I appreciate her resilience and angst, but Leida does not. This causes a rift between Leida and Eric, which is only exacerbated when she learns that Tasha hasn’t paid utilities or rent in a while.
In Las Vegas, Larissa and Colt experience a little heaven on earth at a Brazilian restaurant aptly named “Via Brazil.” This is probably the least creative name for a restaurant of all time, and I say that having once visited an establishment called Sexy Unique Restaurant. But the food is flavored, which is more than Larissa can say about Deb’s bland cooking. Which … I am not surprised that Deb doesn’t know her way around a spice rack; she hasn’t taken a risk since Jimmy Carter was in office. It’s important to note that Larissa has more chemistry with the waiter than with her actual fiancé. I hope she runs off with him to spare Colt and Deb from a life of her tyranny.
Over dinner, Colt discusses his hesitancy to plan the wedding. This rightfully enrages Larissa, who doesn’t understand why he would fly her to the U.S. and not marry her. I’m asking Colt the same question: If you have any doubt, why do you put yourself in these situations? Deb is elated by this tension, and sees it as an opening to put a wedge between Colt and Larissa so she can reclaim her title as mother-wife.
The rift between this hateful couple grows larger when they go wedding cake shopping and Colt compliments the hostess on her glasses. This, much like everything else, sets Larissa off, prompting her to accuse Colt of being an attention whore. The way she smiles and insults Colt is terrifying and arousing — I believe this is the most cutting performance I’ve ever seen on television. My heart goes out to the poor hostess caught in the middle of this domestic dispute that probably could have turned violent at any moment. The hostess can barely get the food away from them before Larissa declares, “I don’t want to marry an attention whore.” The truth is, Larissa is upset about him saying that he is only 97 percent sure he wants to marry her, and while I don’t think Colt’s flirting was that bad, it couldn’t have helped.
In Russia, we are treated to another lighthearted scene of Steven verbally abusing the mother of his child. Luckily for us, their fighting has shifted locations, from the hospital to the car. Steven demands that Olga have good manners, which if you’re paying attention, isn’t very well-mannered at all. Right now, I’m praying that Olga finds a kinder boyfriend, because Steven is not the one! After much emotional labor, spearheaded exclusively by the woman, Steven and Olga resolve their issues. Olga is so patient and so kind, she is too good for this world and Steven is lucky to have her.
Back in Mechanicsburg, the seams are coming undone in Ashley and Jay’s relationship. Their problem is that Ashley is needy and untrusting. Jay is downstairs playing video games, which annoys Ashley because he’s not paying attention to her. Being annoyed with her 20-year-old boyfriend for playing video games is like hating a kindergartener for wanting chicken nuggets for breakfast. It kind of comes with the territory. Eventually, when Ashley gets Jay to stop playing games, she gets mad at him for responding to text messages on his phone. This is when Jay admits that he feels like he’s in prison. I mean … if he can’t talk to his friends or play video games or leave the house without permission, he is definitely incarcerated. Although, in Ashley’s defense, Jay should tell her when he’s leaving the house. In Jay’s defense, he hates her and does not want to be with her. This is clear because all they do is argue. What’s more embarrassing is that they have these tough conversations over Kool-Aid in a margarita glass and a Capri Sun.
In Utah, Asuelu, Kalani, and Nick try to raise Baby Oliver. Kalani doesn’t trust that Asuelu is competent enough to watch his son unsupervised. If there was any doubt that Asuelu was too immature to be a father, we watch Kalani and Nick teach him how to ride a bike for the first time. This editing is so mean and so deliciously hilarious. Now, I understand why Kalani doesn’t trust Asuelu with the baby — I don’t trust Asuelu alone with himself. Especially now that I know that he refers to his anus as his “boohole.” Honestly, I am so stressed watching Asuelu watch his son under Nick’s supervision. When Nick asks Asuleu what his favorite thing about his son is, Asuelu says that he loves that his son is white and that his mom is American. This … is … not a great answer, even by my sweet Asuelu’s standards, and right now I’m judging him on a curve as a cartoon character come to life and forced to live in the real world. (Think Porky Pig in Space Jam.) Asuelu can’t even hold the baby right! He puts his 6-month-old child on his shoulders and it is alarming. If I was the customer associate at the baby store, I’d call child protective services. Asuelu’s watching Oliver is like a child watching a child, although I’d have more faith in a 7-year-old babysitter than I do in Asuelu.
Lastly, we have Fernanda and Jonathan in Chicago meeting his family for the first time. The conversation between Jonathan’s sister, Jackie, and Fernanda goes about as well as you’d expect, considering Jackie is 22 and Fernanda is 20. The dynamic is more like that of a sorority interviewing a pledge than two sister-in-laws growing to love each other. This is because Jackie is skeptical of any of Jonathan’s relationships since he has emphatically expressed that he never wanted to get married. Ultimately, Jackie decides to just support them from the backline. Fernanda’s meeting with Ceci, Jonathan’s mother, is not as kind. There is tension between Jonathan and Ceci that makes me uncomfortable; it’s both resentful and sensual in its energy. Ceci tries to talk Fernanda out of marrying Jonathan by saying she’s too young. This is a bad point because, as Jonathan notes, Ceci was 22 when she had him. If Ceci was really good at debate, she would bring up that he is a womanizer. But Ceci isn’t playing to win, she’s playing to hurt. Which is why, when Jonathan asks her to go dress shopping with Fernanda, Ceci says she’ll think about it. This is a brutal burn, but one that’s easily topped by her son saying, “Maybe you could give us some consultation, you’ve been married a couple times.” Wow. Apparently the student has become the master.