male nudity

How to See Chris Pine’s Penis in Outlaw King

This is not Chris Pine’s penis. Photo: Netfix / David Eustace

This year’s Toronto Film Festival saw many newcomers give amazing performances, but no duo had as much buzz as those that made their debut in Outlaw King: Chris Pine’s Pubes, and Chris Pine’s Penis. Unfortunately, like their Juilliard classmate Jessica Chastain in The Life and Death of John F. Donovan, there was a possibility those star turns would go unseen by the world at large: David McKenzie’s extremely bloody biopic of Scottish hero Robert the Bruce underwent significant edits after its TIFF premiere, and the director says he ultimately trimmed 20 minutes from the film. But fear not — having skimmed the version of the film that’s currently streaming on Netflix, we can report that those two big scenes remain, well, uncut.

As is tradition at Vulture, we’ve taken the liberty of preparing a guide to this momentous occasion, which is after all the first full-frontal nudity from a Hollywood Chris. (Chris Hemsworth in Vacation doesn’t count.) Use it wisely.

How to See Chris Pine’s Pubes

1. Like a great chef, Outlaw King knows not to blow its showstopper on the first course. Accordingly, before the movie will serve you the D, it’s going to serve you the bush. But even before this, you’re going to have to sit through a whole lot of medieval sword stuff first. There are duels to fight, people to stab, and Englishmen to glare at. Amuse yourself by trying to figure out whose Scottish accent is the best. (It’s not Pine’s.)

2. If your eyes have glazed over from all the indistinguishable bearded men, wake yourself up by the time Robert is with his men in the woods, preparing to fight a big battle. This happens around a third of the way into the film; you can tell it’s different from the other battles because it takes place at night.

3. The signal to keep your eyes peeled is when Pine is in a tent alongside his English wife (Florence Pugh), whom he has heretofore refused to bed out of a strange combination of grief, respect, and national pride. But the time is apparently right, and so tonight is the night. When the two start to embrace, keep your eyes trained at the bottom of the frame.

4. Now, this scene also features female nudity, but that’s not what you’re here for today. You’re here for pubes. There will come a time when Pine removes his whatever-the-medieval-word-for-pants-is, and this is the moment you need to be ready for. Keep your eyes firmly trained between the royal cum gutters, and gaze at the majesty of this mound. Drink it in — on the spectrum of male celebrity pubes, it’s more Pattinson than Theroux.

5. Alternately, you could also skip the above steps and just fast-forward on Netflix to 45:31. But come on, don’t you want some build up? Either way, enjoy a nice intermezzo in the form of Pine’s butt, which gets some prominent onscreen real estate in the subsequent sex scene.

How to See Chris Pine’s Penis

1. Now that we’ve handled the pubes, it’s time to move a few inches south. Just a warning: To see the dick you’re going to sit through a lot more movie. Like, basically an entire Hero’s Journey’s worth. Robert the Bruce is going to hit a low point, and then another low point, and then another low point. This is the part McKenzie trimmed, for good reason.

2. However, there will come a point where Robert gets to a particularly bad spot, and comes up with a different strategy to kick the English out of Scotland forever. After that, he takes a cleansing bath in what looks like an extremely cold Scottish firth. Just as the GPS sometimes won’t tell you about a turn until you’re right about to get to the intersection, you won’t have a whole lot of notice after Pine starts swimming, so you’ll need to get ready fast.

3. This is what you’ve been waiting for. Keep your eyes peeled on the center of the frame, as Pine emerges from the water fully nude, before quickly putting on his whatever-the-medieval-word-for-underwear-is. When I say it’s over fast, I mean it: The todger is reportedly only onscreen for a mere 12 frames, or half a second.

4. Again, if you want to skip all that rigmarole, all you have to do is skip to 1:27:53 on Netflix.

5. Luckily, you have an advantage that everyone watching the movie at TIFF didn’t have — a pause button. Feel free to go back and watch it again and again. Make an event of it. Pop some popcorn. Tell your roommates. It’s been a rough week. You deserve this.

How to See Chris Pine’s Penis in Outlaw King