The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Hello and greetings from the Real Housewives Institute. I am president and founder Dame Brian Moylan and this week I am filling in for the wonderful Molly Fitzpatrick while she goes to some strange part of Ireland and pokes people on the shoulder asking if they’re her relatives. I am also here because, well, someone really needs to talk some shit about Jennifer and I raised my hand faster than you can search for the Katniss “I volunteer” GIF.
The women’s trip to Oklahoma continues at Margaret’s friend Polly’s house, and Jennifer couldn’t manage to be ruder. As all of the women point out, she’s continuously bragging about how rich and glamorous she is. The most obvious was when she was telling them all, last episode, about how large and beautiful her house is. It’s the largest house in Paramus! That sounds amazing, except then you have to live in Paramus, whose city seal is just a blown-out tire casing from an 18-wheeler lying by the side of the highway.
The next awful thing happens when all of the women go out to dinner at the Painted Horse Bar and Grille. Is that E on the end of Grille ironic or something? This is the kind of restaurant that just looks like it has bad drinks and mediocre fries, and no amount of extraneous, fancy letters you tack onto the end of it is going to make those French fries anything more than mediocre.
As soon as they sit down Jennifer immediately starts bragging about how she “doesn’t have a nanny, I have a wife.” She says she basically needs someone to cook for her and clean up after her, because she has a house with 16 bathrooms and she just doesn’t have time to clean all of those bathrooms. Well, know what, Jennifer, that also means you don’t have time to poop in all of those bathrooms to make them all dirty. It also means that you shouldn’t be living in a house with more bathrooms than you have time to poop in slash clean. Maybe instead of bragging about her palatial estate that everyone compares to a hotel in France, she should get a smaller house and spend some of that extra money on therapy so she’s not so incredibly grating all the time.
The worst of it, though, comes when she talks about the security cameras all around her house and how she has cameras in every room so that she can keep watch on the nanny. Jennifer is more concerned with people trying to rob her than people are with actually trying to rob her. She thinks she needs that level of security because who wouldn’t want to take her things. Um, just about every single criminal. What does she even have in her house that they would want to steal? She probably doesn’t keep cash around and the resale market for a gold-plated bidet isn’t as great as she thinks it might be. (Donald J. Trump has similar misconceptions.)
Jennifer then tells the women that she does a “random bag check” on her nanny to make sure she’s not stealing anything. [Car screeching to a halt, slamming into a wall, and bursting into flames sound effect.] What is this woman even talking about? As Jackie (who I like) says, she trusts this woman with her kids but not with her silverware? That makes no sense.
The saddest part about all of this is that you know Jennifer hasn’t done that even once. She’s just saying all of this shit to impress the other women. There is nothing worse than someone who is lying to impress other people but their lies are things that aren’t even that impressive. They are, in fact, quite the opposite. It’s like when someone at the local PTA says that they have a close personal relationship with Vladimir Putin. One, I know that’s not true and B, you can keep that shit because I now think that you’re a hacker troll that probably doesn’t recycle and wants to shut down PBS. That’s exactly how I feel about Jennifer and her damn random bag checks.
All of that said, Jennifer is exactly what this show needed after the last few seasons. It needed someone from outside of the group to come in and have some really extreme opinions, to insult their host in Oklahoma to her face, and to start some bitchy dynamics among the women. Thank Jesus for Jennifer because without her we’d be listening to Teresa, a literal criminal who doesn’t know what a moat is, and Melissa have another family feud on national television with no resolution in sight. I want to see that less than I want to see Margaret’s mother’s enflamed stitches from her plastic surgery.
I do think that Teresa is right, in some instances Jennifer was saying those things about her house and whatnot to be funny, especially when she was ribbing Polly about wanting to stay at her house because she has so many bathrooms. I also agree with Melissa that a girl who will talk about how she once shit her pants in her own car in front of everyone is the kind of girl that can really be a good time. I think we’re going to see that Jennifer is like Kelly Dodd. She’s really annoying and awful at first, but once we get to know her we’ll be wanting to have frozen margaritas with her at an all-inclusive resort in Puerto Rico over the kids’ February vacations.
Thank God for Jennifer, who at least seems interesting and complicated. I can’t watch Teresa anymore. First of all her hair is too blonde and I don’t like it. It’s sort of like when you get a fountain soda and there’s not enough syrup in it and it tastes familiar but also like a cheaper version of the soda from a can. Secondly, I take no joy in her being an idiot. When she talks about how she doesn’t like large animals because she doesn’t know what they’re thinking and they could just charge her I didn’t want to laugh or swat away her stupidity with a fitz of my hand like you can with Sonja Tremont Morgan of the Schwepps Ginger Ale Morgans. I just want to know how someone could pass through our public school system and still turn out so …underbaked.
Teresa even has her daughter Milania in her phone as both Milania [Red Heart Emoji] and Milania [Kissing Face Emoji]. Her own daughter, who she probably talks to on the phone countless times a day, has two separate entries both with the same number because when she calls her, both contacts show up. Teresa needs to get her digital life together.
Other than Jennifer being an ass and Teresa and Melissa having a bit of escalating tension about how much time Joe Gorga spends with his and Teresa’s father, the only other thing in this episode to report is that the women all take part in a cow beauty pageant. They have to wash and blow dry the cows, taking extra time to tease out and then smooth the cow’s tails. The hair on those tails looks exactly like the weave chunk that Ashley pulled out of Danielle Staub’s monster brain all those years ago at the Posche fashion show.
Finally, Melissa, Jackie, and Dolores trot their steers out in front of the crowd, smiling while holding their big sticks aloft like they are flaming batons. Teresa obviously could not be part of this because she’s only allowed to touch uncooked greens and grilled chicken breast. But the rest of the women smile, showing off their cows to the unimpressed crowd. Jackie is crowned the victor, but they all feel like they won that day, even the cows, who stand there chewing the cuds and wondering just when they’ll finally be left alone.