The president did the whole annual turkey pardon thing today, a tradition that typically provides us with a mere distraction from the world’s darkness for even just the briefest of moments. That is, until Stephen Colbert breaks it to you that the turkeys the president pardoned last year are already dead. But hey, it’s okay, because it turns out nothing matters anymore! At all! It’s fine to use your personal email account for government business now! And, as long as you’re spending lots of good money in the United States, you can even get a free murder once in awhile. So, there’s that.